Author Shares the Inside Story of Life in a Senior Residence

Leaving Home at 83 by Sandra Butler

A broken hip, a cancer scare, too much time paying for rides to urgent care, and you start to think it’s time for the old folks’ home. Right?

That’s what Sandra Butler thought when she decided to leave her beloved home overlooking San Francisco Bay. She had lifelong friends there and was so busy with cultural and political activities she didn’t have time to feel her age, but her partner had died and she had had surgeries for two different kinds of cancer in one year. She knew she wasn’t getting any younger. So, she found a senior residence near her daughters’ homes in Arizona.

It looked good. She hated to cook, and meals would be provided. She would have a two-bedroom apartment with a balcony. A swimming pool and tons of activities were offered. Less work and more fun.

She got rid of most of her possessions, said goodbye to her friends, and flew east to her new home.

It was great to be with her daughters, but Desert Manor, near Phoenix, was not the paradise she envisioned. The balcony was covered with pigeon droppings, no one wanted her to sit with them in the dining room, the pool was too small to swim laps, and the politics were tomato red.

That was just the first day.

Leaving Home at 83 is the story of Butler’s attempt at senior residence life. She is a skilled writer with a wry wit, but if you’re aging alone, this story may frighten you a little. All the way through, I kept hoping she would pack her bags, get in her car and head out on an adventure. She does get out of Desert Manor in the end, but I won’t tell you how, in case you want to read the book.

You may remember the senior residence I wrote about in March, the one in Tucson where my cousin Adrienne lives. The community in this book is similar, except that the stories and activities are more heavily Jewish.

These are very expensive places that many of us cannot afford. It’s like living on a cruise ship with multiple dining venues, plenty of activities, and people to help when you need it.

I can see myself being happy in such a place at some point. As long as I could still write, read, walk, and play music, it would be good. I would love to have access to a pool and restaurant-style meals when I didn’t want to cook. No home maintenance? Help with medical emergencies? Yes. Someday.

I finished reading this book while sitting in my little patio, warmed by the sun, my wind chimes singing, and swallows darting across the sky.

I took my evening walk as the sun lowered toward the ocean. I walked quickly, my heart pumping. I felt the usual twinge in my hip but didn’t stop. On Cedar Street, I visited with my dog buddy Bobo. Back at my house, I ate a homemade chocolate chip peanut butter cookie and finished the evening watching “American Idol.”

I’m not ready to leave this life to live in a sea of long hallways and locked doors, where the only young people I see are the staff, where you have to eat on their schedule, and there is no private place to sprawl in the sun. I know how old I am, but I also know I’m still in the thick of doing the things I love. I’m writing, singing, traveling, and looking for a new dog. I have terrific friends. Ditching everything to live somewhere I’ll be taken care of feels like giving up. Unless . . .

Adrienne’s place in Tucson, The Hacienda at the Canyon, is close to where she lived before. She still goes to the same church and hangs out with the same friends, but she has added new friends at her new home. The people seem friendly, and her balcony is not covered with pigeon poop. If that same place was near South Beach, Oregon, I might consider it.

In gathering information for my previous post, I ended up on The Hacienda mailing list. They keep trying to get me to move in, but I am not leaving the West Coast. I like Tucson, and I love Adrienne, but I hate hot weather, and I have a full life here.

As Sandra Butler had near San Francisco.

It’s a sticky decision. It does not seem wise to live alone in old age, but nobody wants to give up their life to go live in what can feel like a prison. We only do it when we become disabled enough or frightened enough that we feel we have no choice.

One good thing about not having children—they will not make the decision for us. Nor will they trick us into going for a ride just to see a place, only to discover they have already paid for our room and called a realtor to sell our house. I have seen that happen too often. No thanks. It’s my life until I stop breathing.

The trick is having a plan, just in case, and then living life where and how it feels right.

I await your comments.

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Mother’s Day is almost here. What is it like for those who will never have children? That's the subject at my Childless by Marriage blog this week. https://childlessbymarriageblog.com/2025/05/08/how-does-it-feel-to-be-childless-on-mothers-day-and-every-day/

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The electronic edition of my book No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s is on sale for just 99 cents! It works for Kindle, Nook, and all the ebook readers. The sale will last through May 11 (Sunday!), then go back to the usual $9.99 (I don’t set these prices). If you have ever thought about reading No Way Out of This, now is the time. It’s practically free.
And you know what? All of our publisher’s Spring 2024 ebooks are on sale for the same low price. There are so many good ones, all by female authors with great stories to tell. A few examples:

But You Look So Normal: Lost and Found in a Hearing World by Claudia Marseille
Elk Love: A Montana Memoir by Lynne Spriggs O’Connor
The Practical Seductress: How I Learned to Take My Hat and Run by Sue Camaione
Side Effects are Minimal: a novel by Laura Essay
Hiding for My Life: Being Gay in the Navy by Karen Solt

Start shopping right here. The link will give you all of the 2024 books, but only the spring ones are 99 cents. I may have ordered five or six or seven . . .