Sue, this is such great advice (and so poignantly illustrated)! Even though I have a husband, I’m still doing things on my own (including an upcoming overseas trip). I confess that I’ve gotten very comfortable asking young guys if they’ll hoist my heavy roll-on into the overhead. Feel only a twinge of shame about that. My biggest fear is loneliness and you address that as well. thank you!
Yes! I travel alone more often than not. And I use the old lady card a lot. "Excuse me, would you mind lifting my luggage off of the carousel when it comes around?" Or, "would you please load my luggage on to the conveyor belt to be weighed?"
I ask young men - and women sometimes - and have only once had someone look at me like I was crazy. (But he did it anyways.)
Once I asked an older gentleman to help and he and I had a lovely and lengthy conversation in the inexplicably hour long wait at the baggage carousel.
As far as loneliness, I travelled on business a lot and learned to simply enjoy a hotel room to myself. Ordered room service if available and ate my fair share of Cheezies for dinner when it wasn't.
But driving a rental car in a strange city is always a challenge. Even with GPS (which I always make sure I get) I get lost a lot. Having lived and worked in Toronto most of my life, I am an "assertive" driver - try getting anywhere in Toronto if you aren't - and know enough to pull into a side street to get my bearings instead of lollygagging on a busy street.
Still, after every trip I come home exhausted.
For me, I think it is the "relying on the kindness of strangers" part that is difficult - which is something I never ever had to do when I was younger.
But there has to be something about this getting old stuff that is good. Being more open to asking for help from complete strangers has certainly helped to mellow the old me and also made me more aware and appreciative of the people around me.
You did very well! I think there can be a fine line between asking for help and feeling like a supplicant, depending on the situation. After my husband had passed away, I was saddened by the absence of contact and support from some friends and relatives. I could have kept calling them, but given the situation I would have felt like a supplicant and so I didn't. As we've been conditioned to be super independent in our Western industrialised society, many people don't offer help until they're being asked and this can be quite awkward for the person needing help as nobody likes being a burden. I'm saying this as a central European living in Britain. Perhaps things are different over here or our sentiments are different. Generally speaking, I feel people used to be less self-absorbed when they didn't have things such as mobile phones and CD players with headphones.
Yes. At first I was very hesitant to ask for help, but now I do routinely when I am travelling. I should point out that I am talking about travelling in Canada and Europe. I would not ask for assistance from a stranger if I was to ever travel again to the U.S. Too risky.
My late husband gave me lessons in Independence every day of our 43 year marriage. He was blind from birth. He went job hunting on his own. When he got laid off, taking courses at College Without Walls, me needed to write an essay. I showed him the keyboard and my writing chair. I did correct and read aloud and suggested edits. Then I ran spell check.
He made an A on his essay. He said other people, even sighted, brought in essays unedited and without spell check.
He went to job interviews by himself using MetroLift or the bus. When seen for an interview he always began, I'm here. Put me to work.
And one place did for 35 years.
Then they laid him off.
Companies saw his resume, wanted him that day, would not let me drive him. The companies did not want to wait for him to get there by MetroLift.
His blood pressure went up. Never came down. So he died.
Great post...I too find it so very HARD to ask for help, not just help, asking for for company too. Quite probably there were folk attending who went home alone and would have loved a bit longer to chat with you and be in your company. You did make the most of your peaceful evening in the end, another time you may now feel you can throw a request out there if you're in the mood for company.
I think it’s difficult to ask for help because we don’t want to be seen as ‘needy’. And sometimes people are worried we’ll be needy so reject our advance. Human nature!
Beautiful writing Sue. It’s not easy to speak out loud about your struggles. I am not able to ask for help but your story has given me hope. You did it all alone🤸🏼♀️Hurray‼️
I think you're already creatively thinking about how to 'make it happen'. I was just wondering if you'd do a shout-out here on your publication before an event, then perhaps you can have help AND have fun with your reader-pals....OR even better, hire a little bus that folks pitch into and have a little 'girls on tour' journey ;-) I now have a pink stretch limo in my head with you playing guitar in the back ;-)
If I had the time and capacity, I'd help you organise it! You could always hire an intern from a university OR even better, ask if you have a subscriber who can help, a) organise something, b) coordinate travel and c) have a party ;-) You never know where an ex-travel agent is or whose hometown you're visiting....
Or like this - just DM me. Given how I had to navigate 18 relocations across 10 countries when I was working, I'll always have ideas. There was always an issue needing creative solutions! xoxo
You live alone, can't you eat ice cream for diner if you want? Spread your things out everywhere? Watch Netflix and take a hot bath? Sleep in a comfortable bed? Good for you, giving the talk, selling books that you created out of your own experience, and finding a way, whatever the challenge. It sounds like a successful trip and how great that you were appreciated!
When I started publishing, I joined up with other local writers who wrote for similar audiences. We did lots of joint events, pooled resources, and supported one another. I got opportunities I wouldn't have had otherwise and had someone to talk to at low-attendance events. It was hands down the best thing I did--and I say this as an introvert who loves solitude. Sometimes there really is strength in numbers.
hi Sue, I haven't subscribed very often in the short time that I've been on Substack, but I felt a connection to you. I liked how simple and honest your writing was about your experiences.
I also feel a connection to Oregon, since my second mother lived in McKenzie Bridge east of Eugene from 1973 until 2022 when she went into assisted living in a suburb of Eugene.
I spent a lot of time in McKenzie Bridge and we used to go over to Sisters to the quilt show.
I called her mom Carol because she was a second mother to me. For her 80th birthday I took her on a tour of the coast from Astoria at the top to Florence at the bottom.
I really should write about that-- we had some very surprising unexpected experiences.Including one BNB out on a cliff overlooking the surf where we were so afraid of the eerie proprietor that we pushed the dresser up against the door before we went to sleepand got up before dawn to make our escape, Creeping silently down the stairs with our luggage.
I am being very frugal right now so I can't buy your poetry book but I will see if I can read some of your poems online. I write poetry too. Anitra Carol Smith
Anitra, it's so nice to meet you online. Thank you for sharing your Oregon coast experience. If you go to https://www.suelick.com, you can read some of my poems that have been published in lit mags.
In my experience people want to help. In the many years that I was running a recreation program for seniors; I found that many people want to feel a part of what is happening or to fit in and give them something to do while they wait to participate, so you are helping them. If someone is physically unable to do what you are asking, they will say.
I loved where Barbara Shaidnagle said that when her husband went for a job interview, he would say put me to work.
Sue, this is such great advice (and so poignantly illustrated)! Even though I have a husband, I’m still doing things on my own (including an upcoming overseas trip). I confess that I’ve gotten very comfortable asking young guys if they’ll hoist my heavy roll-on into the overhead. Feel only a twinge of shame about that. My biggest fear is loneliness and you address that as well. thank you!
Yes! I travel alone more often than not. And I use the old lady card a lot. "Excuse me, would you mind lifting my luggage off of the carousel when it comes around?" Or, "would you please load my luggage on to the conveyor belt to be weighed?"
I ask young men - and women sometimes - and have only once had someone look at me like I was crazy. (But he did it anyways.)
Once I asked an older gentleman to help and he and I had a lovely and lengthy conversation in the inexplicably hour long wait at the baggage carousel.
As far as loneliness, I travelled on business a lot and learned to simply enjoy a hotel room to myself. Ordered room service if available and ate my fair share of Cheezies for dinner when it wasn't.
But driving a rental car in a strange city is always a challenge. Even with GPS (which I always make sure I get) I get lost a lot. Having lived and worked in Toronto most of my life, I am an "assertive" driver - try getting anywhere in Toronto if you aren't - and know enough to pull into a side street to get my bearings instead of lollygagging on a busy street.
Still, after every trip I come home exhausted.
For me, I think it is the "relying on the kindness of strangers" part that is difficult - which is something I never ever had to do when I was younger.
But there has to be something about this getting old stuff that is good. Being more open to asking for help from complete strangers has certainly helped to mellow the old me and also made me more aware and appreciative of the people around me.
You did very well! I think there can be a fine line between asking for help and feeling like a supplicant, depending on the situation. After my husband had passed away, I was saddened by the absence of contact and support from some friends and relatives. I could have kept calling them, but given the situation I would have felt like a supplicant and so I didn't. As we've been conditioned to be super independent in our Western industrialised society, many people don't offer help until they're being asked and this can be quite awkward for the person needing help as nobody likes being a burden. I'm saying this as a central European living in Britain. Perhaps things are different over here or our sentiments are different. Generally speaking, I feel people used to be less self-absorbed when they didn't have things such as mobile phones and CD players with headphones.
Yes. At first I was very hesitant to ask for help, but now I do routinely when I am travelling. I should point out that I am talking about travelling in Canada and Europe. I would not ask for assistance from a stranger if I was to ever travel again to the U.S. Too risky.
My late husband gave me lessons in Independence every day of our 43 year marriage. He was blind from birth. He went job hunting on his own. When he got laid off, taking courses at College Without Walls, me needed to write an essay. I showed him the keyboard and my writing chair. I did correct and read aloud and suggested edits. Then I ran spell check.
He made an A on his essay. He said other people, even sighted, brought in essays unedited and without spell check.
He went to job interviews by himself using MetroLift or the bus. When seen for an interview he always began, I'm here. Put me to work.
And one place did for 35 years.
Then they laid him off.
Companies saw his resume, wanted him that day, would not let me drive him. The companies did not want to wait for him to get there by MetroLift.
His blood pressure went up. Never came down. So he died.
Me, alone, now retired. But I keep him in mind.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your husband sounds amazing.
He considered himself just an ordinary guy. His blindness was a mere inconvenience.
Great post...I too find it so very HARD to ask for help, not just help, asking for for company too. Quite probably there were folk attending who went home alone and would have loved a bit longer to chat with you and be in your company. You did make the most of your peaceful evening in the end, another time you may now feel you can throw a request out there if you're in the mood for company.
I think it’s difficult to ask for help because we don’t want to be seen as ‘needy’. And sometimes people are worried we’ll be needy so reject our advance. Human nature!
Beautiful writing Sue. It’s not easy to speak out loud about your struggles. I am not able to ask for help but your story has given me hope. You did it all alone🤸🏼♀️Hurray‼️
My favorite line from one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists. Bill Withers, Lean on Me: “For no one can fill
Those of your needs that you won't let show” ❤️
I think you're already creatively thinking about how to 'make it happen'. I was just wondering if you'd do a shout-out here on your publication before an event, then perhaps you can have help AND have fun with your reader-pals....OR even better, hire a little bus that folks pitch into and have a little 'girls on tour' journey ;-) I now have a pink stretch limo in my head with you playing guitar in the back ;-)
I love your adventures, Sue!
I love that idea! Poets and their groupies on the road! I will keep you all informed.
If I had the time and capacity, I'd help you organise it! You could always hire an intern from a university OR even better, ask if you have a subscriber who can help, a) organise something, b) coordinate travel and c) have a party ;-) You never know where an ex-travel agent is or whose hometown you're visiting....
Or like this - just DM me. Given how I had to navigate 18 relocations across 10 countries when I was working, I'll always have ideas. There was always an issue needing creative solutions! xoxo
You live alone, can't you eat ice cream for diner if you want? Spread your things out everywhere? Watch Netflix and take a hot bath? Sleep in a comfortable bed? Good for you, giving the talk, selling books that you created out of your own experience, and finding a way, whatever the challenge. It sounds like a successful trip and how great that you were appreciated!
Yes, I can do those things at home as well as in my motel room because I am alone. Believe me, I treasure my freedom.
When I started publishing, I joined up with other local writers who wrote for similar audiences. We did lots of joint events, pooled resources, and supported one another. I got opportunities I wouldn't have had otherwise and had someone to talk to at low-attendance events. It was hands down the best thing I did--and I say this as an introvert who loves solitude. Sometimes there really is strength in numbers.
That sounds wonderful, Jenn. Well done. I really need to work on that.
hi Sue, I haven't subscribed very often in the short time that I've been on Substack, but I felt a connection to you. I liked how simple and honest your writing was about your experiences.
I also feel a connection to Oregon, since my second mother lived in McKenzie Bridge east of Eugene from 1973 until 2022 when she went into assisted living in a suburb of Eugene.
I spent a lot of time in McKenzie Bridge and we used to go over to Sisters to the quilt show.
I called her mom Carol because she was a second mother to me. For her 80th birthday I took her on a tour of the coast from Astoria at the top to Florence at the bottom.
I really should write about that-- we had some very surprising unexpected experiences.Including one BNB out on a cliff overlooking the surf where we were so afraid of the eerie proprietor that we pushed the dresser up against the door before we went to sleepand got up before dawn to make our escape, Creeping silently down the stairs with our luggage.
I am being very frugal right now so I can't buy your poetry book but I will see if I can read some of your poems online. I write poetry too. Anitra Carol Smith
Anitra, it's so nice to meet you online. Thank you for sharing your Oregon coast experience. If you go to https://www.suelick.com, you can read some of my poems that have been published in lit mags.
Hello. I enjoyed your writing and have ordered the book. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you!
In my experience people want to help. In the many years that I was running a recreation program for seniors; I found that many people want to feel a part of what is happening or to fit in and give them something to do while they wait to participate, so you are helping them. If someone is physically unable to do what you are asking, they will say.
I loved where Barbara Shaidnagle said that when her husband went for a job interview, he would say put me to work.
You are so right, Carolyn. People want to help.