Feeling Lonely? Listen to Dr. Ruth

The late sex therapist was also New York’s Ambassador to Loneliness

Remember Dr. Ruth? She was the bubbly therapist giving sex advice on TV, radio, and in her books. Not long before she died in July, she also wrote this book, the joy of connections—at 95 years old. Reading it is like listening to a grandmother who makes you laugh but also makes you think.

Dr. Ruth knew loneliness. When she was ten years old, her parents sent her to an orphanage in Switzerland to save her from the Nazis. She never saw any of her family again.

At four-foot-seven, she always felt isolated, but in a way, it helped her stand out.

Appointed New York’s first Ambassador to Loneliness in 2023, she said she lobbied for the position because loneliness, like sex problems, is something people don’t talk about. “Nobody is thrilled to confess they have too few reliable friends. Shame is the thread that connects them both, and shame is what I’ve always tried to help people overcome.”

It’s not a question of how many people you know, she stressed. Living in the orphanage, she was never physically alone and yet she felt alone. “If you’re not meaningfully connected, if there’s no substance to your interactions, you will likely feel insignificant and unseen. But you can bring loneliness to its knees. Unlike a fatal disease, loneliness, I’ve learned, is curable.”

You need to love yourself first, she insists. Dress well, guard your health, treat yourself to things that make you happy. Other advice includes:

• Travel: Instead of staying in a hotel where everyone is locked behind closed doors, try a bed and breakfast inn where you can interact with the owners and the other guests and maybe even decide to see the local attractions together.

• When flying, turn off your phone and chat with your seatmates.

• Be a good listener. People like to talk and appreciate someone who lets them tell their stories.

• Attend family gatherings even when you’d rather stay home. The more you say no, the more likely they’ll assume you don’t want to spend time with them and stop inviting you.

• Communicate your needs. “Loneliness increases when you feel the people closest to you aren’t supporting you or don’t understand what you’re going through. But let’s not assume the worst of them. They may have zero experience with loss, and they’re certainly not mind readers. Unless you tell people how they can show up for you, how should they know?”

• Appoint a “personal ambassador to loneliness.” Tell one family member you’re feeling lonely and give them permission to tell others that you’d welcome texts, phone calls, and visits. “Loneliness is invisible. You might put on such a good front that nobody in your family is even aware that you’re lonely. If you don’t admit you need help, help may never come.”

• Create a reason to meet. For example, with family, tell them you’re working on genealogy and want to discuss some questions with them. Or invite a friend to work on a project together.

• Get out of the house. “Over the years, people who came to me for therapy told me they often felt loneliest at home. Eating dinner in front of the television. Getting under the covers alone, night after night. My advice was always the same: leave. Go out to dinner. Take a walk. Get outside. Go to the library. Go to the park. Beyond your front door is where all the people are.”

Now, maybe you’re thinking what I’m thinking. This is all very easy for an outgoing famous person like Dr. Ruth. I can’t do all that. I hear you. I can’t either. In fact, I have been on airplane rides where the people on either side of me made it extremely clear they did not want to talk. Plugs in their ears, phone or laptop in their hands, or maybe they slept the whole trip. We have to be realistic.

But even very little things that Dr. Ruth recommends, saying hello or smiling at someone, can make a difference. I went to the beach the other day, walking alone as usual, and several people waved at me. It made me feel like we’re all part of one loving community. We didn’t have to stop and have a big conversation. It was just a moment of “Hey, I see you.”

When I pass someone on my walks, I always say “Hi.” I wave at passing cars in my neighborhood. I don’t always know who the drivers are, but we all yearn for connection.

My Grandpa Fagalde was the kind of guy who would walk up to complete strangers and start talking, whether they were interested or not. He was a great storyteller. A half hour later, he would still be chatting.

My father did that, too. Big talkers, those men.

I don’t do that. I’m shy, like my mom, but I know that just a little reaching out helps. Recently, I ran into a young stranger at a mailbox down the road. I hadn’t seen the white-haired man who lived there in a long time. We never talked much, but we did wave and occasionally exchange a few words about dogs.

I started to walk by, then turned around and asked. “Are you Larry’s son? Is he okay?” The son told me his dad is well into dementia; he makes sense about half the time. I told him my husband went through that and expressed my sympathy. Bam. A little connection was made.

Now, I could have knocked on the door a long time ago and asked what was up, but I’m such a chicken I didn’t do it. I just walked by and wondered.

I want to be more outgoing. I’m working on it. I hear you, Dr. Ruth. Watching your show about sex was something Fred and I did together, not for sex advice but for fun. I wish I could tell you how you made him laugh. But you’re probably chatting in heaven now.

Question: In what situations will you talk to the stranger next to you, and when will you keep to yourself? Restaurants, hospital waiting rooms, public transportation, grocery store? Where do you feel loneliest?

I welcome your comments.

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How did I end up alone? My first marriage ended in divorce. My second husband died of Alzheimer’s after we had moved to the Oregon coast, far from family. I never had any kids, only dogs. Now I live by myself in a big house in the woods. You can read our story in my new memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, available now at your favorite bookseller. Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.