How You Feel About Being Alone Makes a Big Difference

Privilege or punishment?

“I can’t get used to being alone,” said a woman from church who lost her husband a few months ago. It was sudden. They were traveling to attend his mother’s one hundredth birthday celebration when he had a heart attack. He died shortly afterward.

It was totally unexpected. A tall, big-voiced woman with an air of authority, this woman sat stunned through the funeral, where I played the piano. Her partner of 56 years was reduced to ashes inurned in an ammo box. Her kids and grandkids sat with her, and they have been attentive since the funeral, but still, being alone is a new experience for her. One of seven children, she always shared a room with siblings. She has been married all of her adult life. She has no practice being alone.

I felt almost guilty because I am pretty comfortable with solitude. I might want a little less of it sometimes, but I treasure my autonomy. Part of me feels like I finally got all the toys to myself. Does that sound selfish? It’s kind of true.

Perhaps growing up in a smaller family with my own room and plenty of time to amuse myself gave me a good start. Spending years alone after my divorce, and later when Fred was in the nursing home made me comfortable on my own.

Living alone can be challenging, whether you’re sick or dealing with broken pipes. You have no built-in person to pick you up when your car is in the shop or bring you home after your colonoscopy. You have no one to tell when something special happens. You have no one to kiss on the lips.

I can deal with it most of the time. Others can’t.

My friend Pat was an only child. Like me, she was divorced from her first husband, remarried, and lost her second husband a few years back. Unlike me, she hates being alone. Can’t stand it.

She’s not the only one.

Another woman from our church whose husband died suddenly a few years back never spent another night in her house. She moved in with her kids because she could not stay there alone.

For some people, it’s just too hard to rattle around an empty place by themselves. They are just not comfortable being the only one there.

Others love it.

When I was delivering copies of my books to Mary at Books and More in Yachats last week, the bookstore owner said she has always lived alone and wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s not some weird hermit. She’s lovely inside and out. In addition to running the bookstore, she officiates at weddings at the nearby Little Log Church.

Attitude makes a big difference. How you feel about being alone might be baked into your personality or shaped by past experiences.

• Did something awful happen when you were alone?

• Did a bad experience scare you away from being with other people?

• Did you learn to amuse yourself as a kid, or were you always surrounded by other kids?

• Do you enjoy hobbies that don’t require other people?

• Are you an extrovert or an introvert?

• Were you taught that being alone is a tragedy?

• Do you have any solo role models?

• Do you thrive on being with other people?

• Do you have the financial means to live comfortably?

• Are you in good health?

• Do you have friends and family you can call if things go wrong?

• Are you alone by choice or by circumstance?

All of these things make a difference.

Experts on loneliness talk about how in past times, being around other people was essential for survival. It took many hands to provide food and safety. We are more independent now, but we still depend on society for everything from running the grocery store to paving our roads to treating us when we’re sick or injured.

I would not want to be so far from civilization that I could not get help if I broke a leg or was attacked by a bear. If I scream for help, I want someone to hear it. I don’t want to be Tom Hanks talking to Wilson the volleyball on that deserted island. But with friends and neighbors nearby, countless online connections, and help a three-digit phone call away, it’s a whole different shade of alone.

If you’re used to eating, sleeping, and doing everything with other people, it takes a while to relax into life alone. The quiet can get painfully loud. Some people never get used to it. Others find it suits them.

What do you think? I welcome your comments.

Photo by Sina Senior on Unsplash

Check these out

“The Unsung Joy of Living Alone” by Bella DePaulo

For fun: “The Truth About Living Alone,” video by Carolyn Winkler

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At this writing, the fiasco of Home Depot’s unassembled furniture deliveries is still not resolved. I receive daily messages from Home Depot and FedEx saying my delivery schedule has been updated. Last Tuesday, I refused delivery on three of four boxes. I don’t know when or if the other box is coming. The delivery date has been Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday again. Who knows? Midweek, my stomach was a mess, and a migraine headache derailed me. I refuse to make any more phone calls about this or get dressed early in case someone comes. I’m loving my revamped living room and hallway just the way they are, and I thank you all for your ongoing support. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, read back through previous posts from the last couple weeks.

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How did I end up alone? My first marriage ended in divorce. My second husband died of Alzheimer’s after we had moved to the Oregon coast, far from family. I never had any kids, only dogs. Now I live by myself in a big house in the woods. You can read our story in my memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, available at your favorite bookseller. Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.