Maybe some of us are meant to be alone

Author advocates for the ‘single at heart’

Are some people naturally happier alone?

Yes, says author/psychologist Bella DePaulo. She is one of those people. Single all her life, she does not buy into the common belief that everyone needs marriage and children, that being alone is a tragedy.

In her 2023 book Single at Heart: the Power, Freedom and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life, DePaulo insists that the single at heart deserve as much respect as those who choose to marry, that there is nothing wrong with choosing a solo life, and that it can in fact be fantastic. She suggests that those who think there is something wrong with being happy alone need to get over it.

A continuing theme throughout the book is “why force yourself into a lifestyle that you don’t want? Why not live life in a way that makes you happy?” The single at heart want to be single. Period. “Single life is not our Plan B. It is our first and best choice.”

She sums it up well in this paragraph near the end of the book:

“My mission in putting the single at heart on the map is to rewrite what it means to be single. Single life, to those of us who are single at heart, is a joyful place, a place to learn and grow. It is a big-hearted, expansive, meaningful life full of possibilities. We love and care for people beyond just romantic partners and are loved and cared for in return. Intimacy, to us, is personal; in that domain as in all others, we follow our hearts rather than the cultural rulebooks. We chart our own life courses with meaningfulness, psychological richness, and authenticity as our guides.”

DePaulo interviewed many people who identified as single at heart and quotes heavily from their experiences. Most, whether they have always been single or embraced singledom after being married or divorced, feel they are living their best lives alone.

The key is that the single at heart choose to be alone.

To help determine who is single at heart, DePaulo uses a survey with questions such as: would you rather do things alone or with a partner, how do you feel about spending time alone, are you self-sufficient, and how do you feel about sleeping alone.

I believe we all fall somewhere on an aloneness continuum, with some of us horrified at the idea of being alone and others thinking it might not be so bad.

I took the quiz and came out pretty high on the prefer-to-be-alone scale but with reservations. I think it’s accurate for me. I like a lot of alone time, but I also liked being married, and I enjoy being part of a family, a group of friends, or a team of some sort.

Maybe it’s just the baby boomer Catholic in me, but DePaulo’s book felt like it was dissing people who prefer a more traditional life. That’s just my opinion.

But I am willing to grant that some of us would rather be alone, and many of us, whether it’s our choice or not, can be happy alone.

DePaulo quotes studies that show more people are living a solo life than in the past. They are feeling less bound by the cultural requirement to “couple,” as she puts it. Instead of devoting their lives to The One, that special romantic partner, they spread their love among The Ones, their group of chosen friends and family.

It is a more viable option than it was in the past, especially for women, who are now able to support themselves and claim the same rights as men. They no longer have to be married to be mothers. DePaulo quotes many single parents who are glad to be making all the decisions and who feel closer to their kids because they don’t share them with a partner.

The single at heart are not worried about being lonely. They are unafraid to live alone, travel alone, or grow old alone, writes DePaulo. They enjoy not having to shape their lives around someone else’s needs or preferences.

Not being committed to one lifelong romantic partner frees a person to date multiple people–or no one. Single at Heart includes an extensive chapter on the many variations of love, including LGBTQIA, multiple partners, no partners, only platonic partners, etc.

A lot of what’s written in this book echoes what I have been reading and writing about for years in the childless community: People who don’t understand or accept your situation, who ask nosy questions, who predict you'll change your mind or that you'll regret your lifestyle when you’re old, who warn that you’ll be alone as you age.

Like the childless, the single are sometimes treated differently at work and are forced to listen to stories of romance and attend weddings, showers, and anniversary parties for those who are married. They may feel left out when everyone else is busy with their husbands or wives.

It’s very familiar to me when DePaulo urges employers to start treating single workers the same as married ones, begs teachers and parents to show kids there’s more than one way to live, and asks parents to stop freaking out if their kids decide marriage and family are not for them.

It’s all a matter of respecting each other’s differences.

This book is a slow read full of quotes and statistics, but it is fascinating. It gives us a different way of looking at our solo lives. What if being alone is actually a wonderful thing?

What do you think? Are some people happier alone? Is it okay to go through life as a party of one? Whatever your situation, do you feel single at heart, totally the opposite, or somewhere in-between?

Bella DePaulo has written and spoken extensively on the single life. Her other books include Singled Out and How We Live Now. She also has a Facebook group, the Community of Single People.

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You may be wondering how I’m doing since my fall last week. Well, it hurts. Bad. Seven to ten on the hospital smiley face scale. The whole area around my ribs that whacked the side of the bathtub is one big bruise. I cannot lie in my bed, so I’m sleeping on the sofa. Getting up and down is torture. I have only allowed myself a real cough once. I saw stars, so I gave that up. Sneezing is absolutely not allowed.

I’m taking my Tylenol and using my Lidocaine patches. Ice helps, and the hot tub feels terrific. At my follow-up doctor visit this morning, I received an injection that helped tremendously.

I miss singing and playing at church and at Cafe Chill and I miss my long walks. My new and improved living room is truly a comfort, especially when I’m spending so much time there. It’s beautiful, and the carpet is so soft. I just wish I had already bought a sturdy recliner to sleep in.

I’m not lonely, and I can take care of myself, but I could use someone to bring ice or Tylenol when the pain is bad. It would be nice to have someone clean my messy house and help me attach those super sticky Lidocaine patches where it’s not easy to reach. I also need someone to install grab bars in my bathroom.

BUT it is also a relief not having anyone trying to make me more helpless than I am and forever asking how I feel or making suggestions for what I should be doing.

I’m strong. I will heal. I will move on. I appreciate all of your kind comments and suggestions. As for replacing that medical alert watch that did not work when I needed it, I’m pondering all the options.

Thank you so much for being here.

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How did I end up alone? My first marriage ended in divorce. My second husband died of Alzheimer’s after we had moved to the Oregon coast, far from family. I never had any kids, only dogs. Now I live by myself in a big house in the woods. You can read our story in my memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, available at your favorite bookseller. Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.