Sue- big gratitude wafting your way for yet another meaningful post here on Substack. The experiences you share actually make me feel less alone:) Your writing reflects such intelligence, strength, resilience and many creative talents. The way you deal with problems and adapt to challenges is inspiring. It has been my choice to live independently since the sudden unexpected transition of my beloved (we shared 46 wonderful years and were richly blessed with three children and five grands:) Folx describe me as an enduring optimist, but as a solo-elder, every day still unfolds with some measure of heartbreaking hardness. I loathe eating alone! Disappointment and causeless joy have become strange bedfellows on my journey. Lacking confidence in traditional allopathic health care, I follow an alchemical/metaphysical path toward optimal wellbeing of mind, body and spirit and engage regularly with physical therapy, grief therapy, trauma-informed energy work and deep psychotherapy. My essential nature as an intuitive empath means that I have cried openly and frequently for most of my 75+ years…unlikely that is going to change in my march toward being a centenarian:) Please keep writing and sharing…your true stories matter to many!
This is so hard. But I'm glad you're not giving in to it, not staying home rather than have to go and do things on your own. I will say, if I were there, I'd drive you places or ride along and we could stop and have lunch after the appointment and maybe go to Dollar Tree to stock up in the candy aisle. Hugs to you.
So sorry, Sue. Sometimes we're strong alone and sometimes not. Too bad we can't have an in-person assistant on call for those times. There's no excuse for careless medical staff but that doesn't stop it from happening. May you have ease❤️
Those who say to me in incredulous voices … you go on your own? …. You go to restaurants / concerts/ cinema on your own? or …. You go away abroad on your own ? Have no concept of being alone.
If I don’t go and do those things on my own then what? Just sit home and do nothing? Talk to no one?
It’s more than a little frustrating that people think of you as brave, when actually it’s not brave at all - it’s just that you have no choice if there’s no one wants to go with you. Sadly coupled up people are so wrapped in themselves that they never give a thought to those who don’t have a partner. Even my own mum was shocked after dad died at just how hard it can be living alone… and how her married friends became too busy to be bothered once she wasnt a couple ! Eventually she apologised to me for not thinking more of it during all the years I was alone. I told her it was okay as no one gets it until they have lived it - but it can be hard and you need to be kind to yourself, be patient and keep going out and about, as you will find others who will enjoy a conversation.
Having spent a lot of my life alone, I can relate very well to this and you almost made me cry reading it. I usually take a book or a crossword book so I don't feel so much discomfort. Also, I have a short fuse for queues and would've walked out early.
I am not single but relate to the eating alone experience. On many occasions when I have entered a restaurant alone, the waitresses never even notice me. It is insane. I have left several times after not being brought a menu after waiting 50 minutes or more. It is as though I am invisible. 🫥 I think a lot of people would never imagine that could happen, but it absolutely does and I do not like it.
Thank you for the honesty and insight and self awareness of your writing. I find it powerful. I hope you can find better sleep, and that that makes some of the tough experiences a little less tough.
Sometimes I want to weep or maybe just shed a tear or two, but I cant. It would help relieve the sadness and lift the load, but I can't cry. I don't know why. I've thought maybe because I've been taught to buckle down. Maybe because I've been on my own for so long. Maybe because I'm afraid that once I start I won't be able to stop. Frustrating.
Hugs, Sue. I really felt for you reading this. I've nearly always been on my own, so I don't know any different and often savour 'taking myself on a date' as part of my respite routine. However, that doesn't mean I prefer it. Thank you for sharing.
Another great post, Sue. Thank you for giving voice to what others experience. I have been reading “Super Gut” by William Davis MD, only because he is mentioned in my previous read, “Unholy Trinity” by Daniel Trevor. To make a long story short, these books explain the link between our brains and our gut. Just so happens, restless leg syndrome is mentioned as are other conditions that we don’t often consider related to gut health. Being a former sufferer of IBS, I am always interested in knowing more. The fix, according to Dr Harris, is found in feeding the gut a high quality “yogurt” made by fermenting a specific bacteria with milk that yields actual gut-healing. These guys are all over YouTube also. I’m trying the “yogurt” now, it’s quite simple. Best wishes to you for the days ahead!
Hi Sue, thank you for your open hearted post. I'm married but without children and although my husband and I still do everything together there are times when he just prefers to stay at home or in the hotel. Recently, I toured the beautiful city of Granada on my own and felt very proud of myself for doing so. That was until I was turned away at 4 different restaurants where I was trying to get a table for lunch. Boy, did that make me feel small and irrelevant. I ended up buying a snack and taking it back to the hotel. I know I probably have a future of this to come but reading your posts truly gives me support to know I won't be alone.
Yes, I was a single woman and they were not prepared to give up the tables for just one person. I did get seated and then when a family came along they asked me to move! I just walked away.......
I'm sure it's not a surprise that those situations are different for a man. I've been alone much of my 75 years, and traveled for work so I've eaten thousands of meals alone in restaurants, primarily in the US. As I got older I enjoyed the invisibility, but really miss having company to share with now, and the money to eat out not in my SS budget.
My experience in Europe, at least in Italy, was very different. Coming alone I would be offered, by the maitre'de, an empty seat with a group at a large table. Usually did well with my 2 or 3 words of Italian and hand gestures, and a couple of times ended up with a lone American, having one the most memorable conversations in my life.
But now I crave small group dinners, but building the social structure at my age seems beyond reach. At least my cooking is improving 😋
Michael, thank you for sharing the male perspective. I have never been refused a table, but I haven’t traveled alone outside the US. I wouldn't mind sharing with someone, especially if we hit it off.
I too cried after ordering breakfast room service ,the attendant was so kind and the food delicious. First time ordering room service after my husbands recent death
Sue- big gratitude wafting your way for yet another meaningful post here on Substack. The experiences you share actually make me feel less alone:) Your writing reflects such intelligence, strength, resilience and many creative talents. The way you deal with problems and adapt to challenges is inspiring. It has been my choice to live independently since the sudden unexpected transition of my beloved (we shared 46 wonderful years and were richly blessed with three children and five grands:) Folx describe me as an enduring optimist, but as a solo-elder, every day still unfolds with some measure of heartbreaking hardness. I loathe eating alone! Disappointment and causeless joy have become strange bedfellows on my journey. Lacking confidence in traditional allopathic health care, I follow an alchemical/metaphysical path toward optimal wellbeing of mind, body and spirit and engage regularly with physical therapy, grief therapy, trauma-informed energy work and deep psychotherapy. My essential nature as an intuitive empath means that I have cried openly and frequently for most of my 75+ years…unlikely that is going to change in my march toward being a centenarian:) Please keep writing and sharing…your true stories matter to many!
This is so hard. But I'm glad you're not giving in to it, not staying home rather than have to go and do things on your own. I will say, if I were there, I'd drive you places or ride along and we could stop and have lunch after the appointment and maybe go to Dollar Tree to stock up in the candy aisle. Hugs to you.
So sorry, Sue. Sometimes we're strong alone and sometimes not. Too bad we can't have an in-person assistant on call for those times. There's no excuse for careless medical staff but that doesn't stop it from happening. May you have ease❤️
Those who say to me in incredulous voices … you go on your own? …. You go to restaurants / concerts/ cinema on your own? or …. You go away abroad on your own ? Have no concept of being alone.
If I don’t go and do those things on my own then what? Just sit home and do nothing? Talk to no one?
It’s more than a little frustrating that people think of you as brave, when actually it’s not brave at all - it’s just that you have no choice if there’s no one wants to go with you. Sadly coupled up people are so wrapped in themselves that they never give a thought to those who don’t have a partner. Even my own mum was shocked after dad died at just how hard it can be living alone… and how her married friends became too busy to be bothered once she wasnt a couple ! Eventually she apologised to me for not thinking more of it during all the years I was alone. I told her it was okay as no one gets it until they have lived it - but it can be hard and you need to be kind to yourself, be patient and keep going out and about, as you will find others who will enjoy a conversation.
Having spent a lot of my life alone, I can relate very well to this and you almost made me cry reading it. I usually take a book or a crossword book so I don't feel so much discomfort. Also, I have a short fuse for queues and would've walked out early.
Oh, Sue, that's hard. So much more being alone than you want. Sigh.
I am not single but relate to the eating alone experience. On many occasions when I have entered a restaurant alone, the waitresses never even notice me. It is insane. I have left several times after not being brought a menu after waiting 50 minutes or more. It is as though I am invisible. 🫥 I think a lot of people would never imagine that could happen, but it absolutely does and I do not like it.
I wouldn't wait that long. I have walked out of numerous restaurants where I was being ignored. It should never happen, but it does.
Thank you for the honesty and insight and self awareness of your writing. I find it powerful. I hope you can find better sleep, and that that makes some of the tough experiences a little less tough.
Sometimes I want to weep or maybe just shed a tear or two, but I cant. It would help relieve the sadness and lift the load, but I can't cry. I don't know why. I've thought maybe because I've been taught to buckle down. Maybe because I've been on my own for so long. Maybe because I'm afraid that once I start I won't be able to stop. Frustrating.
It is often hard navigating life alone but by doing it, acknowledging the difficulties and letting others in on the reality you are doing a service.
Sending you hugs, Sue. Sounds like a very frustrating time for you!
Hugs, Sue. I really felt for you reading this. I've nearly always been on my own, so I don't know any different and often savour 'taking myself on a date' as part of my respite routine. However, that doesn't mean I prefer it. Thank you for sharing.
I enjoyed your essay, Sue.
Another great post, Sue. Thank you for giving voice to what others experience. I have been reading “Super Gut” by William Davis MD, only because he is mentioned in my previous read, “Unholy Trinity” by Daniel Trevor. To make a long story short, these books explain the link between our brains and our gut. Just so happens, restless leg syndrome is mentioned as are other conditions that we don’t often consider related to gut health. Being a former sufferer of IBS, I am always interested in knowing more. The fix, according to Dr Harris, is found in feeding the gut a high quality “yogurt” made by fermenting a specific bacteria with milk that yields actual gut-healing. These guys are all over YouTube also. I’m trying the “yogurt” now, it’s quite simple. Best wishes to you for the days ahead!
Hi Sue, thank you for your open hearted post. I'm married but without children and although my husband and I still do everything together there are times when he just prefers to stay at home or in the hotel. Recently, I toured the beautiful city of Granada on my own and felt very proud of myself for doing so. That was until I was turned away at 4 different restaurants where I was trying to get a table for lunch. Boy, did that make me feel small and irrelevant. I ended up buying a snack and taking it back to the hotel. I know I probably have a future of this to come but reading your posts truly gives me support to know I won't be alone.
How awful. They turned you away because you were alone? That's shocking.
Yes, I was a single woman and they were not prepared to give up the tables for just one person. I did get seated and then when a family came along they asked me to move! I just walked away.......
Wow. It's like you were being shunned for being alone. Sad.
I'm sure it's not a surprise that those situations are different for a man. I've been alone much of my 75 years, and traveled for work so I've eaten thousands of meals alone in restaurants, primarily in the US. As I got older I enjoyed the invisibility, but really miss having company to share with now, and the money to eat out not in my SS budget.
My experience in Europe, at least in Italy, was very different. Coming alone I would be offered, by the maitre'de, an empty seat with a group at a large table. Usually did well with my 2 or 3 words of Italian and hand gestures, and a couple of times ended up with a lone American, having one the most memorable conversations in my life.
But now I crave small group dinners, but building the social structure at my age seems beyond reach. At least my cooking is improving 😋
Michael, thank you for sharing the male perspective. I have never been refused a table, but I haven’t traveled alone outside the US. I wouldn't mind sharing with someone, especially if we hit it off.
-I enjoyed your essay.
I too cried after ordering breakfast room service ,the attendant was so kind and the food delicious. First time ordering room service after my husbands recent death
I understand. Usually the service is very nice, but I still get nervous doing it.
-me too