Without Kids, are You Doomed to a Lonely Old Age?

It depends on whom you ask

If you don’t have children, will you be lonely in old age?

We might end up alone. I’m living proof. The husband for whom I gave up the possibility of having children died, and here I am by myself typing in my bathrobe at 10:15 on a weekday morning. It’s so quiet in this house you could cut the silence with a knife. But lonely? Not at the moment.

I do get lonely, especially when I am finished with my day’s work and ready to hang out with other people. I don’t want to have to call or text someone to schedule a get-together. I just want them to be here. But let’s be honest; if I had children, they probably would not be here because they would be busy with their own lives. And sometimes I’d rather play with friends my own age.

An article by Dan Hart titled “Not Having Children is Causing a Massive Loneliness Epidemic” implies that a life without children is a lonely one. On my first reading, I was not aware that this appeared at https://www.lifenews.com, a conservative site which heavily promotes the traditional family. But okay, let’s consider what they have to say.

They quote an Institute for Family Studies report by Rosemary L. Hopcroft that shows rates of loneliness are rising as birth rates “plummet.” Hopcroft writes, “IFS projections show that as many as 30 percent of all women born in 1989 (age 37) in the U.S. will likely remain childless. As this childless cohort ages, studies show that they are more likely to report being lonely than those who have children.”

The article goes on to note that not only the childless are lonely but those who choose to live apart from their children. They suggest that older people are much better off if they live with their grown children and grandchildren, that the generations all benefit from being together.

Hart concludes, “As the share of childless women below age 45 continues to surge, research suggests that the voluntary decision to remain childless will likely prove to be shortsighted as they age.”

Okay, there’s more, but I can’t restrain myself through another sentence.

First, some of us did not choose to be childless. We wanted kids, but it didn’t happen, due to biology or circumstance. Where is the sympathy for people who decades later are still grieving the loss of the children they might have had? What about today’s young people who want to have children, but can’t figure out how to afford homes and families in this crazy world?

Second, people who choose not to have children do so for very good reasons. We cannot assume they will be punished with a lonely old age.

Third, not having kids does not guarantee we’ll be lonely. We can create full and satisfying lives without them, enjoying our families, friends, and communities. I know some of us, including me, need to work harder on that, but even with kids, there’s no guarantee they’re going to be around when you need them. Instead, yesterday I was blessed with a visit from my neighbors Cheryl and Jeannie. I have a lot more in common with them than I would with the kids I might have had, and I can relax and be myself instead of “Mom.”

Fourth, living with one’s grown children, if you have them, is not everyone’s idea of paradise. They have their lives, you have yours, and they don’t necessarily fit together harmoniously. Personally, being an independent woman who likes her privacy, I’d rather have my own space, even if it’s just a cubbyhole of an apartment somewhere. I would not want to shrink my life into the spare room of my theoretical grown children’s home.

Fifth, what if the kids live in Timbuctoo, and we want to stay where we are?

Sorry, Family Life Institute, the real world isn’t a Hallmark movie. People want kids and don’t get them. People have kids, and they move away. People have kids, and they don’t get along.

Consider this study, “Demographic, economic traits of US adults 50 and older without kids” by the Pew Research Center. It offers a very different picture of being older and childless. Researchers have found that those of us who never had children are likely to have more education, earn higher salaries, and have more money saved for retirement. It doesn’t say a word about loneliness.

Another study, “Remaining childless does not lead to loneliness in old age,” by Florida researcher Tanya Koropeckyj-Cox also contradicts the Family Life study. “For years we have heard warnings that if you don’t have children, you will regret it later,” she writes. “But beliefs about childlessness leading to a lonely old age are simply not supported by our study.”

In fact, she notes, those without children are freer to develop lasting social relationships that make them less lonely in their older years.

Sometimes people end up alone, not because of selfishness or shortsightedness but because that’s the way their lives turned out. That doesn’t mean we’re all lonely all the time. Some solos are too busy to be lonely. Others do struggle with loneliness, but that’s not necessarily because we don’t have children.

We all need help from time to time, especially as we age. Having children nearby would be handy, especially when we need an emergency contact person. But, as we discussed last week, those of us who live alone develop skills people with families to lean on may not have. When challenges come up, we figure out what to do on our own.

Does not having children guarantee we will be lonely? I don’t think so.

Let’s Talk

Do you think that people without children are necessarily lonely? Or more lonely than empty nesters whose children are grown? Are they paying the price for being selfish or shortsighted? If you have children and they live far away, how do you deal with that? Would you want to live with your children and grandchildren in your older years? Is anyone here already living with their kids? How is that going?

Photo by Ashley Walker on Unsplash

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If you are dealing with childlessness, you might want to look up my books Childless by Marriage and Love or Children: When You Can’t Have Both, along with my Childless by Marriage blog, where surely one of the 900 posts there will speak to you.

In my next post here at the Substack, we will talk about Mother’s Day and how to get through it when it’s not a happy holiday for you.

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How did I end up alone? My first marriage ended in divorce. My second husband died of Alzheimer’s after we had moved to the Oregon coast, far from family. I never had any kids, only dogs and cats. Now I live by myself in a big house in the woods. You can read our story in my memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, available at your favorite bookseller.