I’m interested in hearing others stories too. Right now I’m blessed to manage my small house but I know the time could come when I need more help and I’m worried about the cost
Dear Sue, So happy I happened upon your Substack. I am 76 and my siblings and I recently went through lots of these issues with our aim. She was happy and independent in a mobile home she bought after her second husband died. At 90 she began falling and was eventually diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. Through a senior care advisor, we hired some home helpers to come in, which kept Mom living there for awhile (she also had an alert button she used often-quite helpful). Eventually she had to move to assisted living. The Iberian places are underneath it all corporate. She had many nice caregivers there, but often not enough care. The places are understaffed. She cycled in and out of skilled nursing places and the hospital. Eventually she went on hospice care and was in a (best place ever) six person board and care. .She passed last November.
I am now facing similar issues with my 79 year old husband who has heart disease. He is cycling in and out of hospital and skilled nursing facilities. He may come home with a live-in helper. Meanwhile, I am a woman living alone in a house like so many of my neighbors, I realize.
This brings to mind a couple of things. I had a great aunt who lived to 96 and stayed in her home but had family close by. I had an aunt who lived to 99 and moved into one of those "nice" places you described, but she could afford it. Then there was my dad. He was 93, lived at home, had Alzheimer's. My oldest sister lived right next door. He ended up in a nursing home where my other sister actually worked. It was bad. They neglected him, one time restraining him in bed. My sister had a fit, raised holy hell. Didn't matter. We moved him out of there in less than a month to a residential home. A much better situation. A 5 bedroom, ranch style home, where he got excellent care. They even had an art therapist come in a couple times a month. It was affordable, but still not cheap. My mother-in-law also ended up in a nursing home that was horrible. Finding a good place is very stressful. It is no wonder to me that people do not want to think about such a big decision.
I have nursing home horror stories, too. It really is hard to find a good one, and those that seem good on the outside may turn out to be awful on the inside.
Ok, so this is a long one, but I have a good experience in this area and it may help others.
After my Dad passed my step Mom stayed in their home for about 8 years. She finally got lonely living alone and started to look at options in a retirement community (at 71 y/o). She found a place near her home called White Horse Village. They had independent living, assisted living, memory care and a nursing home. The independent living options were villas (think free standing small home) and apartments (all single story with a patio out back).
There were lots of activities available, choir, art, gardening, etc. When she moved in she was fully independent in her apartment. ( which has a small kitchen) but had the option to join friends in the dining hall for dinner. She paid a relatively large amount up front ($150,000?j that amortized over the first 10 years so that if she moved out or died before that, then part of it was returned. After 10 years they kept all those funds. For one fixed priced per month (at the time $3,500) she was guaranteed care at any level she needed for the rest of her life and the price would not escalate.
She loved it. She got very involved in the community but it was still close to her previous home so she could attend her same church, see her friends, etc. She lived independently until 82 when dementia started to get the better of her. We moved her to “personal care” which is their name for assisted living. Within 3 years she was in the memory care unit and passed about 3 years after that. The monthly bill remained the same except for minor additional charges for medications, etc.
I should add that none of us kids (she and my Dad had five of us combined) lived nearby.
When I first heard of such a place I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. And it truly turned out to be that. She was well taken care of and we never worried about her care or her not having friends near by. Some of the same nurses in assisted living ended up in her memory care unit so they knew her. Best of all, it turned out very affordable in the long run.
I hope that if I ever need such a place I can find one when I need it.
I think I'd like a retirement community, but not so much a "home" or even an apartment. We are at a point where we should be thinking about something else, but I think we're kind of avoiding it.
If you had the opportunity, would you like to live in a nice senior community?
Absolutely. I know 4 people who have moved to such places; all had very good situations. Also I have a high risk for vision loss, and assume I may not be able to live independently forever. I'd like one of those places where you can step up to a higher level of care if needed.
Could you afford it?
Theoretically. My main worry is moving into a place that's good at the time, but later gets taken over by some vulture capitalist who would gut the amenities and jack up the prices.
When would it be time to make the move?
I think about 7-8 years from now, when my spouse turns 80. I'm hoping no earlier crisis will force our hand. We might move to a regular apartment first. While I love many things about our house, it is big, with a yard that requires a lot of care, and it's already testing our limits just to take care of it.
My situation may be different from many, but my adult son lives with me and my plan is that he will inherit my home when I die. I have an insurance called something like continuing care and it provides for care in my home should I need it, that's the plan anyway. By the way, I have let go of many of the chores I used to do. My son does the floors, the guest bathroom and my grandson cleans my room and bathroom, and I still do a little dusting when I care enough to do it. I order groceries online and my son brings them in and puts them away. I cook maybe once a week and my son either cooks or heats one of the many frozen meals I buy. Hopefully this plan will work until I die.
The need to stay connected to family and friends should be the biggest consideration. Watching my parents and my aunt age in a retirement village was a cautionary tale. They all moved in their 60s into a place far away from us kids and outside of town, with little services or support. They were attracted to the quiet area, with small generic homes & tiny gardens. But there was nothing to do or see nearby & they had to drive anywhere, which shifted their mindset over time and they became insular and seemed to lose interest in the world. In their last years they were isolated and lonely and I believe it led to earlier ill health as a result. They were all gone within 15 years and it made me sad to see such vibrant people so diminished by their environment.
I compare that to how my grandparents & my inlaws live/d their elder years. I loved visiting their homes, exploring their vegetable gardens, walking the dog, exploring the neighbourhood where they held deep knowledge and knew everyone. My last grandmother died in her family home aged 100 in 2022. My MIL (late 70s) still lives in the family home, now set up for intergenerational living, & she has support of her granddaughter who lives downstairs. She walks to the shops every day.
We are social beings and ageing in quiet ivory towers does not lead to happiness at any age in my opinion.
The experience with my mom and dad was a real eye opener, and there is definitely a seedy underbelly to be aware of, mostly regarding money. My folks in large part received good care and there are plenty of dedicated people and professionals out there, and that is part of my reply.
If it’s possible, an elder care lawyer can help with recommendations and direction in helping navigate the choices available depending on the situation. I very much recommend talking to one. Financial concerns taken into account, certainly. Navigating these matters alone or only within a family space can get complicated and emotionally exhausting, and having outside advice relieves this as well.
When we found a very good assisted living situation for my mom, the residents were also subject to outside entities like the Department of Health and other regulators, which meant that mom’s freedoms were restricted, and she was required to do things she didn’t want to do as well as prevented from doing things she did want to do (speaking specifically to COVID lockdowns, vaccines, masking, and so on). A whole other story not for this space, but definitely something to be aware of.
We were able to afford care for my mom through the sale of her home, a blessing. The house became too much for her, it was a modest rambler and she was in pretty good shape, but the upkeep and expenses did not match her needs as she went into her 80’s.
Thanks again for this and for the conversation. Very important!
Thank you Sue. This is a very timely topic for me. I think we face similar decisions no matter wherever we are in the world (I'm in Australia).
I had a crisis situation on the weekend where I fainted and injured my shoulder in the process. When I came to on the floor I started vomiting as well. I was lying there thinking about how bad my situation was and what I was going to do next. Like if I were in residential care someone would've come to help me! But I got myself up and it's been a painful, unsteady few days since. But slowly improving and I haven't broken any bones. Lots to consider going forward!
Back to the topic of residential care ....
A few weeks back a friend and myself visited a new "age in place" resort like development not far from us. Everything from independent living to dementia care. Beautiful "villas" and apartments. And a dog park! It struck me though that I'd need to go back to work to afford to move there ! I own my townhouse and know I can get a good price for it, but it's still not enough ! Then there's the fees on top of that.
My wife, who was in her mid 70's, died last year post dementia. We had often discussed downsizing and returning to New England from FL. I moved forward on that plan moving to an 830 sq' one bedroom apartment from a 2400 sq' home. It wasn't easy going through nearly 60 years of life and preparing for a house sale; but proved doable. The plan got modified a bit as I moved to Austin TX to an apartment, close to food shopping, health carer, and parks. A bonus is our daughter has lived here for 27 years and is nearby. I still may move back to New England to be close to my son and his family. For me the result was a better outcome and simply one of redefining what is a forever home.
For a number of years I volunteered as a long term care Ombudsman, a volunteer advocate for those living in nursing homes and assisted living.. I encountered many instances where the long term care move was done in a crisis/acute fashion; these tended to be very problematic. Some may find community living in a much smaller space vs independent living as a transitional step.
The advice of others, such as speaking with an elder attorney, is important to heed. It helps to bring forward issues never considered or to reevaluate those already made.
In the end, there is no one "right" way; many pathways.
Enjoyed reading about you finding a community with potential outside of your Oregon coast.
My comment has to do with not being an “ abuela.” ( grandmother) We live in an active retirement community, in a patio home. With residents coming from all over, I’ve found some interesting “ statistics” of my own making. At least half or more are happily married for a second or third time. Looking around at my book club, there are 3 ladies with traditional married kids and not many grandkids. The other 3 have 7 adult children, none married , with no interest in having kids. My other card/ yoga/ hiking groups have similar life stories with only half traditional marriages.
My point is, the succeeding generations remain single or coupled ( not married) with no children. We will be long gone before their social security runs out!
We've been thinking about this -too much- lately. We necessarily moved my 90 year old mother-in-law to a very good local aged care place 18 months ago after my sister-in-law live-in caring for her for 3 years at her home. M-i-L didn't like it at first -prison!- but made friends and enjoyed herself. She died a few weeks ago and got very good care to her last breath. My Dad, eighty, was moved to aged care last year -5 hours drive from us-, a smaller place with much older, mainly female residents and not a great fit for a younger, gregarious but becoming frailer-forgetful man. But still a good caring place & staff. After a difficult start followed by resigned acceptance, Dad is trying to make friends, that is the key I think to aged care well-being as much as professional place and staffing.
We now have a better understanding and appreciation of aged care, but need to get on with our own lives for a bit before it's our turn to make difficult choices... we don't want to have them made for us. Like you, I have no kids but even with them is no guarantee of not ending up in residential aged care. I know in the old days people were looked after by family at home but sometimes those circumstances were not ideal, or doable, rather the lack of alternatives.
Anyway, thank you for writing about this, it's a topic that needs voice.
I’m interested in hearing others stories too. Right now I’m blessed to manage my small house but I know the time could come when I need more help and I’m worried about the cost
Dear Sue, So happy I happened upon your Substack. I am 76 and my siblings and I recently went through lots of these issues with our aim. She was happy and independent in a mobile home she bought after her second husband died. At 90 she began falling and was eventually diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. Through a senior care advisor, we hired some home helpers to come in, which kept Mom living there for awhile (she also had an alert button she used often-quite helpful). Eventually she had to move to assisted living. The Iberian places are underneath it all corporate. She had many nice caregivers there, but often not enough care. The places are understaffed. She cycled in and out of skilled nursing places and the hospital. Eventually she went on hospice care and was in a (best place ever) six person board and care. .She passed last November.
I am now facing similar issues with my 79 year old husband who has heart disease. He is cycling in and out of hospital and skilled nursing facilities. He may come home with a live-in helper. Meanwhile, I am a woman living alone in a house like so many of my neighbors, I realize.
This brings to mind a couple of things. I had a great aunt who lived to 96 and stayed in her home but had family close by. I had an aunt who lived to 99 and moved into one of those "nice" places you described, but she could afford it. Then there was my dad. He was 93, lived at home, had Alzheimer's. My oldest sister lived right next door. He ended up in a nursing home where my other sister actually worked. It was bad. They neglected him, one time restraining him in bed. My sister had a fit, raised holy hell. Didn't matter. We moved him out of there in less than a month to a residential home. A much better situation. A 5 bedroom, ranch style home, where he got excellent care. They even had an art therapist come in a couple times a month. It was affordable, but still not cheap. My mother-in-law also ended up in a nursing home that was horrible. Finding a good place is very stressful. It is no wonder to me that people do not want to think about such a big decision.
I have nursing home horror stories, too. It really is hard to find a good one, and those that seem good on the outside may turn out to be awful on the inside.
Ok, so this is a long one, but I have a good experience in this area and it may help others.
After my Dad passed my step Mom stayed in their home for about 8 years. She finally got lonely living alone and started to look at options in a retirement community (at 71 y/o). She found a place near her home called White Horse Village. They had independent living, assisted living, memory care and a nursing home. The independent living options were villas (think free standing small home) and apartments (all single story with a patio out back).
There were lots of activities available, choir, art, gardening, etc. When she moved in she was fully independent in her apartment. ( which has a small kitchen) but had the option to join friends in the dining hall for dinner. She paid a relatively large amount up front ($150,000?j that amortized over the first 10 years so that if she moved out or died before that, then part of it was returned. After 10 years they kept all those funds. For one fixed priced per month (at the time $3,500) she was guaranteed care at any level she needed for the rest of her life and the price would not escalate.
She loved it. She got very involved in the community but it was still close to her previous home so she could attend her same church, see her friends, etc. She lived independently until 82 when dementia started to get the better of her. We moved her to “personal care” which is their name for assisted living. Within 3 years she was in the memory care unit and passed about 3 years after that. The monthly bill remained the same except for minor additional charges for medications, etc.
I should add that none of us kids (she and my Dad had five of us combined) lived nearby.
When I first heard of such a place I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. And it truly turned out to be that. She was well taken care of and we never worried about her care or her not having friends near by. Some of the same nurses in assisted living ended up in her memory care unit so they knew her. Best of all, it turned out very affordable in the long run.
I hope that if I ever need such a place I can find one when I need it.
That sounds wonderful. Thank you for sharing this story.
I think I'd like a retirement community, but not so much a "home" or even an apartment. We are at a point where we should be thinking about something else, but I think we're kind of avoiding it.
If you had the opportunity, would you like to live in a nice senior community?
Absolutely. I know 4 people who have moved to such places; all had very good situations. Also I have a high risk for vision loss, and assume I may not be able to live independently forever. I'd like one of those places where you can step up to a higher level of care if needed.
Could you afford it?
Theoretically. My main worry is moving into a place that's good at the time, but later gets taken over by some vulture capitalist who would gut the amenities and jack up the prices.
When would it be time to make the move?
I think about 7-8 years from now, when my spouse turns 80. I'm hoping no earlier crisis will force our hand. We might move to a regular apartment first. While I love many things about our house, it is big, with a yard that requires a lot of care, and it's already testing our limits just to take care of it.
My situation may be different from many, but my adult son lives with me and my plan is that he will inherit my home when I die. I have an insurance called something like continuing care and it provides for care in my home should I need it, that's the plan anyway. By the way, I have let go of many of the chores I used to do. My son does the floors, the guest bathroom and my grandson cleans my room and bathroom, and I still do a little dusting when I care enough to do it. I order groceries online and my son brings them in and puts them away. I cook maybe once a week and my son either cooks or heats one of the many frozen meals I buy. Hopefully this plan will work until I die.
Fingers crossed 🤞!
The need to stay connected to family and friends should be the biggest consideration. Watching my parents and my aunt age in a retirement village was a cautionary tale. They all moved in their 60s into a place far away from us kids and outside of town, with little services or support. They were attracted to the quiet area, with small generic homes & tiny gardens. But there was nothing to do or see nearby & they had to drive anywhere, which shifted their mindset over time and they became insular and seemed to lose interest in the world. In their last years they were isolated and lonely and I believe it led to earlier ill health as a result. They were all gone within 15 years and it made me sad to see such vibrant people so diminished by their environment.
I compare that to how my grandparents & my inlaws live/d their elder years. I loved visiting their homes, exploring their vegetable gardens, walking the dog, exploring the neighbourhood where they held deep knowledge and knew everyone. My last grandmother died in her family home aged 100 in 2022. My MIL (late 70s) still lives in the family home, now set up for intergenerational living, & she has support of her granddaughter who lives downstairs. She walks to the shops every day.
We are social beings and ageing in quiet ivory towers does not lead to happiness at any age in my opinion.
Thank you for this beautiful comment. I totally agree.
Excellent topic.
The experience with my mom and dad was a real eye opener, and there is definitely a seedy underbelly to be aware of, mostly regarding money. My folks in large part received good care and there are plenty of dedicated people and professionals out there, and that is part of my reply.
If it’s possible, an elder care lawyer can help with recommendations and direction in helping navigate the choices available depending on the situation. I very much recommend talking to one. Financial concerns taken into account, certainly. Navigating these matters alone or only within a family space can get complicated and emotionally exhausting, and having outside advice relieves this as well.
When we found a very good assisted living situation for my mom, the residents were also subject to outside entities like the Department of Health and other regulators, which meant that mom’s freedoms were restricted, and she was required to do things she didn’t want to do as well as prevented from doing things she did want to do (speaking specifically to COVID lockdowns, vaccines, masking, and so on). A whole other story not for this space, but definitely something to be aware of.
We were able to afford care for my mom through the sale of her home, a blessing. The house became too much for her, it was a modest rambler and she was in pretty good shape, but the upkeep and expenses did not match her needs as she went into her 80’s.
Thanks again for this and for the conversation. Very important!
Today I am looking most at independent living situations for seniors who don't need much care, but yes, the whole thing is pretty difficult.
I’ve lifted you up for this, Sue. ♥️
Thank you Sue. This is a very timely topic for me. I think we face similar decisions no matter wherever we are in the world (I'm in Australia).
I had a crisis situation on the weekend where I fainted and injured my shoulder in the process. When I came to on the floor I started vomiting as well. I was lying there thinking about how bad my situation was and what I was going to do next. Like if I were in residential care someone would've come to help me! But I got myself up and it's been a painful, unsteady few days since. But slowly improving and I haven't broken any bones. Lots to consider going forward!
Back to the topic of residential care ....
A few weeks back a friend and myself visited a new "age in place" resort like development not far from us. Everything from independent living to dementia care. Beautiful "villas" and apartments. And a dog park! It struck me though that I'd need to go back to work to afford to move there ! I own my townhouse and know I can get a good price for it, but it's still not enough ! Then there's the fees on top of that.
How scary. I'm glad you're healing. The nice places are terribly expensive. I hope you find a solution.
My wife, who was in her mid 70's, died last year post dementia. We had often discussed downsizing and returning to New England from FL. I moved forward on that plan moving to an 830 sq' one bedroom apartment from a 2400 sq' home. It wasn't easy going through nearly 60 years of life and preparing for a house sale; but proved doable. The plan got modified a bit as I moved to Austin TX to an apartment, close to food shopping, health carer, and parks. A bonus is our daughter has lived here for 27 years and is nearby. I still may move back to New England to be close to my son and his family. For me the result was a better outcome and simply one of redefining what is a forever home.
For a number of years I volunteered as a long term care Ombudsman, a volunteer advocate for those living in nursing homes and assisted living.. I encountered many instances where the long term care move was done in a crisis/acute fashion; these tended to be very problematic. Some may find community living in a much smaller space vs independent living as a transitional step.
The advice of others, such as speaking with an elder attorney, is important to heed. It helps to bring forward issues never considered or to reevaluate those already made.
In the end, there is no one "right" way; many pathways.
Enjoyed reading about you finding a community with potential outside of your Oregon coast.
Kevin, thank you for sharing this.
My comment has to do with not being an “ abuela.” ( grandmother) We live in an active retirement community, in a patio home. With residents coming from all over, I’ve found some interesting “ statistics” of my own making. At least half or more are happily married for a second or third time. Looking around at my book club, there are 3 ladies with traditional married kids and not many grandkids. The other 3 have 7 adult children, none married , with no interest in having kids. My other card/ yoga/ hiking groups have similar life stories with only half traditional marriages.
My point is, the succeeding generations remain single or coupled ( not married) with no children. We will be long gone before their social security runs out!
This is very true. I never had children, but even those who did are less likely to see any grandchildren.
We've been thinking about this -too much- lately. We necessarily moved my 90 year old mother-in-law to a very good local aged care place 18 months ago after my sister-in-law live-in caring for her for 3 years at her home. M-i-L didn't like it at first -prison!- but made friends and enjoyed herself. She died a few weeks ago and got very good care to her last breath. My Dad, eighty, was moved to aged care last year -5 hours drive from us-, a smaller place with much older, mainly female residents and not a great fit for a younger, gregarious but becoming frailer-forgetful man. But still a good caring place & staff. After a difficult start followed by resigned acceptance, Dad is trying to make friends, that is the key I think to aged care well-being as much as professional place and staffing.
We now have a better understanding and appreciation of aged care, but need to get on with our own lives for a bit before it's our turn to make difficult choices... we don't want to have them made for us. Like you, I have no kids but even with them is no guarantee of not ending up in residential aged care. I know in the old days people were looked after by family at home but sometimes those circumstances were not ideal, or doable, rather the lack of alternatives.
Anyway, thank you for writing about this, it's a topic that needs voice.
You're right. Making friends and developing a community is key wherever you live.