Beginning my second year without my wife, and first year with my son at his dorm in college, I have found the night can be uniquely terrifying.
Also, I could easily live my life on a complete night shift / reversed schedule, so once I'm up past a certain hour it feels natural for me to stay up all night and I often feel more creative and productive at night.
Some nights seems normal, but often enough the night feels sort of electric, spooky, weird. I know a lot of this is me processing my experiences of the last five years of my wife's illness, and then afterwards. I thought things would kind of normalize in this regard, but they still vacillate between normal night/weird night which is not particularly conducive to any kind of productive daytime activity, unfortunately.
I hear you John. This is why I take my computer into my room, so if I can't sleep/wake up I can tap ideas for articles....otherwise I have continuous fitful-sleep-fights.
I keep a pen and notebook by the bed, along with a small voice recorder to capture those middle-of-the-night inspirations. That's how this post was born.
I like those ideas. I always have my phone nearby and it's my mobile go to writing tool of course. I use the voice recorder on it as well when I'm literally on the move or in the middle of the night when typing on the little screen isn't so fun.
I haven't resigned myself to bring in a computer, but maybe the ease and convenience of that would get me through some creative catharses more quickly, or at all, and facilitate sleep.
I used to listen to sleep stories on the Calm app, but I needed more variety. Now I listen to a podcast called "Nothing Much Happens". I find that the stories distract my brain just enough to stop my wheels spinning and let me get to sleep.
Nights are creepy and unpredictable. Perimenopausal night sweats mixed with Caregiver PTSD don't make deep REM sleep a sure thing! Just after Dad passed I had to out loud, ask him (or the memories of him) to leave me alone. When we are hypervigilant for SO long, I hear every Non-house-noise as if it were a loud clap of thunder.
Any time of day bumps, thumps snap my adrenalin into action.
These days it's harder to have a full nights sleep. Even in the few days of respite today was the first lie-in I've had in months and I had 3 nightmares. I journal and write to evacuate and appease my active imagination, and articulate whatever spirits want me to share. Turns out my Dad is a gregarious sharer even after passing!
I've developed little mantras that help me. At the heart of each is something around LOVE and breathwork.
I used to be terrified at night in the creepy farmhouse I grew up in. The trees next to the house were so tall and when it got really windy I’d freak out they’d fall on the house and would try and calculate their height and what they’d hit. As a house it’d make so many noises but unlike you didn’t get the feeling my family could protect me from whatever it was (perhaps learned helplessness or that my needs weren’t met? I had a complex childhood).
I now have the luxury of a person in my bed and a dog (though she’d for sure sleep through a break in and even if she did get woken up she’d only be interested in investigating if the burglar had food of some variety). And I think between me and my Irish hot blood and my calm skinny husband who’s only ever ran away from a fight, I feel I’d be the protector. However, when he’s not home I lock the door and leave the key in the door (in case someone had a key and tried to enter).
I do it too. I sleep at night with the lamp dimly lit and the radio streaming quietly. Idk why. I just got into the habit and have stuck with it. It’s not like I mind terribly if the music or lights go off and I wake up, but I like having them on. Another peculiarity! Yes. I guess so.
My involuntary couch sleep in front of the tv is my best sleep. Sometimes I intentionally put something I either don’t care about, or have already seen.
I've noticed that if I have some reason to get up early the next day, it takes me forever to fall asleep. But if there's nothing special and I can sleep in, I drop right off.
My dog barks...something creeps around my tiny yard here in Yachats! One of my first nights here she barked, I opened front door and nothing. Went back to bed & she barks again. I whip open side (back door), turning outside light on and see a big coyote running the fence line not too far away. Slam door, go back to bed. No more barking, that night.
We live a block away from an industrial business of some sort (their parking lot is right next to our neighbor across the street backyard). Sometimes I can hear this low humming noise late at night. I use a white noise machine to block it out. Said neighbor recently installed LED lights in her front yard lamp post and over her garage door, not to mention there is a new LED bulb in the streetlight next to her driveway. All these lights shine in our primary bedroom windows. I went out and purchased blackout curtains. Hubby almost always falls asleep in front of the TV so I usually fall asleep alone until he finally comes up to bed. Several years ago he ended up in the hospital for a week. Sleep alone at night felt a little frightening. I could hear every creak, pop and assorted other weird sounds at night.
Chech this near Portland rescue. My Portland UPS delivery man owns with his wife. He always stopped his truck to give dog treats to neighborhood dogs! Humboldt area. He got a route closer to his home. We missed him! But his replacement driver was good too. Now my dog thinks every UPS truck is arriving for h.e.r!
Beginning my second year without my wife, and first year with my son at his dorm in college, I have found the night can be uniquely terrifying.
Also, I could easily live my life on a complete night shift / reversed schedule, so once I'm up past a certain hour it feels natural for me to stay up all night and I often feel more creative and productive at night.
Some nights seems normal, but often enough the night feels sort of electric, spooky, weird. I know a lot of this is me processing my experiences of the last five years of my wife's illness, and then afterwards. I thought things would kind of normalize in this regard, but they still vacillate between normal night/weird night which is not particularly conducive to any kind of productive daytime activity, unfortunately.
I hear you John. This is why I take my computer into my room, so if I can't sleep/wake up I can tap ideas for articles....otherwise I have continuous fitful-sleep-fights.
I keep a pen and notebook by the bed, along with a small voice recorder to capture those middle-of-the-night inspirations. That's how this post was born.
I like those ideas. I always have my phone nearby and it's my mobile go to writing tool of course. I use the voice recorder on it as well when I'm literally on the move or in the middle of the night when typing on the little screen isn't so fun.
I haven't resigned myself to bring in a computer, but maybe the ease and convenience of that would get me through some creative catharses more quickly, or at all, and facilitate sleep.
I do deep breathing and autogenic suggestions for relaxation and pain relief.
I used to listen to sleep stories on the Calm app, but I needed more variety. Now I listen to a podcast called "Nothing Much Happens". I find that the stories distract my brain just enough to stop my wheels spinning and let me get to sleep.
Nights are creepy and unpredictable. Perimenopausal night sweats mixed with Caregiver PTSD don't make deep REM sleep a sure thing! Just after Dad passed I had to out loud, ask him (or the memories of him) to leave me alone. When we are hypervigilant for SO long, I hear every Non-house-noise as if it were a loud clap of thunder.
Any time of day bumps, thumps snap my adrenalin into action.
These days it's harder to have a full nights sleep. Even in the few days of respite today was the first lie-in I've had in months and I had 3 nightmares. I journal and write to evacuate and appease my active imagination, and articulate whatever spirits want me to share. Turns out my Dad is a gregarious sharer even after passing!
I've developed little mantras that help me. At the heart of each is something around LOVE and breathwork.
I used to be terrified at night in the creepy farmhouse I grew up in. The trees next to the house were so tall and when it got really windy I’d freak out they’d fall on the house and would try and calculate their height and what they’d hit. As a house it’d make so many noises but unlike you didn’t get the feeling my family could protect me from whatever it was (perhaps learned helplessness or that my needs weren’t met? I had a complex childhood).
I now have the luxury of a person in my bed and a dog (though she’d for sure sleep through a break in and even if she did get woken up she’d only be interested in investigating if the burglar had food of some variety). And I think between me and my Irish hot blood and my calm skinny husband who’s only ever ran away from a fight, I feel I’d be the protector. However, when he’s not home I lock the door and leave the key in the door (in case someone had a key and tried to enter).
I do it too. I sleep at night with the lamp dimly lit and the radio streaming quietly. Idk why. I just got into the habit and have stuck with it. It’s not like I mind terribly if the music or lights go off and I wake up, but I like having them on. Another peculiarity! Yes. I guess so.
No scary movies allowed right before bed time.
And thank goodness for phones to keep playing music in the night
My involuntary couch sleep in front of the tv is my best sleep. Sometimes I intentionally put something I either don’t care about, or have already seen.
I've noticed that if I have some reason to get up early the next day, it takes me forever to fall asleep. But if there's nothing special and I can sleep in, I drop right off.
Me too. I lie awake counting the hours till I have to get up.
My dog barks...something creeps around my tiny yard here in Yachats! One of my first nights here she barked, I opened front door and nothing. Went back to bed & she barks again. I whip open side (back door), turning outside light on and see a big coyote running the fence line not too far away. Slam door, go back to bed. No more barking, that night.
Wow. Good dog. I haven't seen any coyotes here in South Beach, but my neighbors have.
We live a block away from an industrial business of some sort (their parking lot is right next to our neighbor across the street backyard). Sometimes I can hear this low humming noise late at night. I use a white noise machine to block it out. Said neighbor recently installed LED lights in her front yard lamp post and over her garage door, not to mention there is a new LED bulb in the streetlight next to her driveway. All these lights shine in our primary bedroom windows. I went out and purchased blackout curtains. Hubby almost always falls asleep in front of the TV so I usually fall asleep alone until he finally comes up to bed. Several years ago he ended up in the hospital for a week. Sleep alone at night felt a little frightening. I could hear every creak, pop and assorted other weird sounds at night.
I sympathize. Don't get me started on my neighbor's lights, which also shine into my bedroom.
Eye masks. Total game changer. The kind that look like little training bras so your eyes aren’t sqwooshed.
www.agavedogs.org
Chech this near Portland rescue. My Portland UPS delivery man owns with his wife. He always stopped his truck to give dog treats to neighborhood dogs! Humboldt area. He got a route closer to his home. We missed him! But his replacement driver was good too. Now my dog thinks every UPS truck is arriving for h.e.r!
They have Instagram page too.