Re: Mother’s Day…….While I am a mother, I tend to empathize with the sadness surrounding Mother’s Day that the media doesn’t seem to recognize; the estranged ,the childless, the deaths of children and mothers, the non-grandmothers, the non- mothers to name a few for whom the day is painful. As our society changes, with more and more people choosing not to procreate, the traditional family should not be assumed to be the norm.
First, the cabaret seating is hard when you are by yourself. Even yesterday when I was picking a seat at a church function with my handbell choir it brought back feelings of jr. high. The food was served buffet style and all the tables were empty when I was ready to sit down. If I sat at a table before someone else, would anyone else sit with me? 😫. I actually said to myself, Evie, you are 65 years old. Just sit! Even in this situation It still brings those feelings back. And we were all almost all of us there alone because we were in a handbell choir!
Second, Mother’s Day. My Mom passed when I was 21. I was not able to have children with my first husband, although we tried. 😓. With my second husband we were past child bearing age. So nope, no kids. Now I avoid church on Mother’s Day because they want to give all the females flowers. No thank you. I am NOT a mother. I know people say, “well you can celebrate your Mom”, but I feel that is just a way to make them feel better, not me. So I don’t celebrate the day and I definitely don’t go to church or to a restaurant. I stay home and maybe garden or read a book.
Cabaret seating, ouch! Over the years I have gone to quite a few things by myself, (divorce,
separate interests and many other reasons) and I do find the world less than accommodating for parties of one woman by herself. I always keep an eye out for folks in this boat. I have eaten in my car, and I have eaten at the bar by myself if that's an option. The bar staff are usually aware of why we do this!
As for Mother's Day, I find it a difficult day myself, too many difficult emotions and much too much intensity about everything. If you have a mom, you might be estranged (me). Your kids are often not close by or not close emotionally, or you couldn't have kids. Or your mom has passed, but you don't want to rain on other folks' parade. I agree that the traditional family that is marketed on TV etc, should not be assumed to be the norm. Also, maternal energy can come in many forms...... like adopted friends, I call them Aunties. Right now I find them my preferred option.
Mother's Day is hard for me, our only child, our son Christopher, died in April 2012. Thirteen years of sadness. The first year my husband and I went away for the weekend and when we got home a friend came by with a small gift for me and said, "Noel, you are still a mother." I've never forgotten that kindness, it meant so much, more than I can say in words.
It really hit me when you mentioned the situation in dining rooms of care homes. It hadn't occurred to me. When I studied photography here in England, all the English students sat at one table, almost on top of each other, while us "European" students sat at another table with seats to spare. This was back in the early 90s. I'd like to think that things have changed now.
As for going places alone, I know how you feel. It still feels like an act of bravery. I guess it helps to think of ourselves as pioneers.
I don't know what hell looks like, but cabaret seating must surely feature!
Have never been one of the popular/cliquey people, so still struggle with this type of situation. Used to be in a smaller church that would do this from time to time and it freaked me out.
Boof, that one woman who sat and didn't acknowledge you, that was a shot to the gut. When I was drinking, I didn't care, I'd go anywhere alone because I was happy to sit at the bar. I don't know what I'd have done in your situation, I do know at parties, I find myself in the kitchen, helping, or hanging with the dog or with toddlers. I'm loud, so folks don't realize I'm an introvert, but being the outsider, the one person who is not there with someone else, it's a tender spot, it's impossible for me not to start playing those negative tapes in my head, what I think others are thinking of me. I'm glad you don't let that stop you, I wish there was a way to erase those tapes, for all of us.
Love this post, it hits some vulnerable spots for sure.
Cabaret seating is definitely not my bag. Had an embarrassing experience with my mum at church, where we were a bit late for a retirement lunch for an interim pastor. We arrived through a door where you are at the top of a staircase, and we stopped there, searching for any open seats. Nope. The congregation stared at us, and not one person offered to get a spare chair and shuffle a bit to fit us in. We stared back and ultimately left.
Mother’s Day is not really a thing, mum has passed and hubby and I don’t have children. We stopped going to service on MD because of the fetishized nature of it, but, no matter. That’s long behind us. Treating all women as special is how we approach it… we’re all mothers and express those instincts in many ways.
I am the mother of a 42 yo son from whom I have been estranged for a long time. I focus on the women who were so important to my life: my mom, my grandmother and my mother-in-law who all taught me how to make lemonade out of lemons.
There are actually quite a few childfree people living in my townhouse complex. Some younger, some older. A few older women who I regularly go out with.
Re mother's day : I ignore it and take the dogs for a walk. It's just another day.
Re cabernet setup: yeah that's hard. You did really well. TBH if I walked into that situation it'd freak me out. I'd just turn around walk straight back out again. If I'm there for the concert I need to be able to relax and enjoy it. 😊
When I lost my mother 10 years ago to dementia, I mostly gave up on Mother's Day and told my kids just call me and I'm good. I was fortunate because my two children and my husband and I were "I love you" kind of people. Almost 3 years ago my 32 year old son suddenly passed away, leaving behind his wife of only 15 months. No definite reason except slightly enlarged heart, possibly from the Pfizer vaccine. My daughter is married with 3 young kids of her own. I tell her, enjoy your day. Don't worry about me. You all love me enough ever day that I don't need a "love on demand" day where I will always feel that terrible ache of missing my son.
Cabaret seating: ouch! You were brave to stay. And I see lots of people standing at assorted events, and always imagine they have back trouble…now I can add restless leg syndrome to the list of possibilities. I love it when events have a larger communal table for people traveling solo test day. Thanks for this.
I divorced my first husband when my children were quite young and then I moved to a small town. I lived there 2.5 years and never felt accepted. It wass a lonely time. It seemed a young single mother felt threatening to the married mothers. I can only assume. I moved out of that town to a slightly larger one as soon as I could. I often ate in my car or in my room when I attended work trainings. Talk about cliques. Trainings often felt like junior high.
The seating that you described at the show you attended, and the birthday party do both sound uncomfortable. It reminds me of a training session that I attended many years ago that was presented by a senior adult club where they discussed something similar about being an older person going into a restaurant alone and being seated by the swinging door to the kitchen. The jest of it was that you become invisible. It also covered that fact that we all have someone that we know that no matter what age they had attained, that would not happen to them. So, it may have something to do about having confidence and your willingness to be seen.
You're right. Attitude makes a big difference. I have been seated by those swinging doors, too. These days, if I really don't like the table they lead me to and I see other empty places, I ask for a different table. I have the same right as everyone else to be comfortable. If the restaurant is full, I take what I can get and assume they're doing the best they can.
I went to my first party by myself on St. Patrick's day. When we were quite young, I was the outgoing one, but as we got older, my husband had that role. I did know many people there, but it was hard, since everyone seemed to be couples. I forced myself to stay and mingle, although it was a bit painful. Hopefully I get better at it.
I always admire your gumption to put yourself out there!
Re: Mother’s Day…….While I am a mother, I tend to empathize with the sadness surrounding Mother’s Day that the media doesn’t seem to recognize; the estranged ,the childless, the deaths of children and mothers, the non-grandmothers, the non- mothers to name a few for whom the day is painful. As our society changes, with more and more people choosing not to procreate, the traditional family should not be assumed to be the norm.
This post hit me on several points.
First, the cabaret seating is hard when you are by yourself. Even yesterday when I was picking a seat at a church function with my handbell choir it brought back feelings of jr. high. The food was served buffet style and all the tables were empty when I was ready to sit down. If I sat at a table before someone else, would anyone else sit with me? 😫. I actually said to myself, Evie, you are 65 years old. Just sit! Even in this situation It still brings those feelings back. And we were all almost all of us there alone because we were in a handbell choir!
Second, Mother’s Day. My Mom passed when I was 21. I was not able to have children with my first husband, although we tried. 😓. With my second husband we were past child bearing age. So nope, no kids. Now I avoid church on Mother’s Day because they want to give all the females flowers. No thank you. I am NOT a mother. I know people say, “well you can celebrate your Mom”, but I feel that is just a way to make them feel better, not me. So I don’t celebrate the day and I definitely don’t go to church or to a restaurant. I stay home and maybe garden or read a book.
The best place is your garden, I find.
Cabaret seating, ouch! Over the years I have gone to quite a few things by myself, (divorce,
separate interests and many other reasons) and I do find the world less than accommodating for parties of one woman by herself. I always keep an eye out for folks in this boat. I have eaten in my car, and I have eaten at the bar by myself if that's an option. The bar staff are usually aware of why we do this!
As for Mother's Day, I find it a difficult day myself, too many difficult emotions and much too much intensity about everything. If you have a mom, you might be estranged (me). Your kids are often not close by or not close emotionally, or you couldn't have kids. Or your mom has passed, but you don't want to rain on other folks' parade. I agree that the traditional family that is marketed on TV etc, should not be assumed to be the norm. Also, maternal energy can come in many forms...... like adopted friends, I call them Aunties. Right now I find them my preferred option.
Mother's Day is hard for me, our only child, our son Christopher, died in April 2012. Thirteen years of sadness. The first year my husband and I went away for the weekend and when we got home a friend came by with a small gift for me and said, "Noel, you are still a mother." I've never forgotten that kindness, it meant so much, more than I can say in words.
I'm so sorry. I'm sure your loss makes it a difficult day.
It really hit me when you mentioned the situation in dining rooms of care homes. It hadn't occurred to me. When I studied photography here in England, all the English students sat at one table, almost on top of each other, while us "European" students sat at another table with seats to spare. This was back in the early 90s. I'd like to think that things have changed now.
As for going places alone, I know how you feel. It still feels like an act of bravery. I guess it helps to think of ourselves as pioneers.
I don't know what hell looks like, but cabaret seating must surely feature!
Have never been one of the popular/cliquey people, so still struggle with this type of situation. Used to be in a smaller church that would do this from time to time and it freaked me out.
Boof, that one woman who sat and didn't acknowledge you, that was a shot to the gut. When I was drinking, I didn't care, I'd go anywhere alone because I was happy to sit at the bar. I don't know what I'd have done in your situation, I do know at parties, I find myself in the kitchen, helping, or hanging with the dog or with toddlers. I'm loud, so folks don't realize I'm an introvert, but being the outsider, the one person who is not there with someone else, it's a tender spot, it's impossible for me not to start playing those negative tapes in my head, what I think others are thinking of me. I'm glad you don't let that stop you, I wish there was a way to erase those tapes, for all of us.
Love this post, it hits some vulnerable spots for sure.
Cabaret seating is definitely not my bag. Had an embarrassing experience with my mum at church, where we were a bit late for a retirement lunch for an interim pastor. We arrived through a door where you are at the top of a staircase, and we stopped there, searching for any open seats. Nope. The congregation stared at us, and not one person offered to get a spare chair and shuffle a bit to fit us in. We stared back and ultimately left.
Mother’s Day is not really a thing, mum has passed and hubby and I don’t have children. We stopped going to service on MD because of the fetishized nature of it, but, no matter. That’s long behind us. Treating all women as special is how we approach it… we’re all mothers and express those instincts in many ways.
I am the mother of a 42 yo son from whom I have been estranged for a long time. I focus on the women who were so important to my life: my mom, my grandmother and my mother-in-law who all taught me how to make lemonade out of lemons.
Your post gave me pause for thought ....
There are actually quite a few childfree people living in my townhouse complex. Some younger, some older. A few older women who I regularly go out with.
Re mother's day : I ignore it and take the dogs for a walk. It's just another day.
Re cabernet setup: yeah that's hard. You did really well. TBH if I walked into that situation it'd freak me out. I'd just turn around walk straight back out again. If I'm there for the concert I need to be able to relax and enjoy it. 😊
If I didn't know the performers and hadn't paid so much for the ticket, walking out would have been tempting. But I'm glad I stayed.
When I lost my mother 10 years ago to dementia, I mostly gave up on Mother's Day and told my kids just call me and I'm good. I was fortunate because my two children and my husband and I were "I love you" kind of people. Almost 3 years ago my 32 year old son suddenly passed away, leaving behind his wife of only 15 months. No definite reason except slightly enlarged heart, possibly from the Pfizer vaccine. My daughter is married with 3 young kids of her own. I tell her, enjoy your day. Don't worry about me. You all love me enough ever day that I don't need a "love on demand" day where I will always feel that terrible ache of missing my son.
I'm so sorry, JoAnn. It's good your family is so supportive.
I sit at the bar..that’s how I deal with it.
Cabaret seating: ouch! You were brave to stay. And I see lots of people standing at assorted events, and always imagine they have back trouble…now I can add restless leg syndrome to the list of possibilities. I love it when events have a larger communal table for people traveling solo test day. Thanks for this.
I divorced my first husband when my children were quite young and then I moved to a small town. I lived there 2.5 years and never felt accepted. It wass a lonely time. It seemed a young single mother felt threatening to the married mothers. I can only assume. I moved out of that town to a slightly larger one as soon as I could. I often ate in my car or in my room when I attended work trainings. Talk about cliques. Trainings often felt like junior high.
Yep. We're all just overgrown teenagers.
The seating that you described at the show you attended, and the birthday party do both sound uncomfortable. It reminds me of a training session that I attended many years ago that was presented by a senior adult club where they discussed something similar about being an older person going into a restaurant alone and being seated by the swinging door to the kitchen. The jest of it was that you become invisible. It also covered that fact that we all have someone that we know that no matter what age they had attained, that would not happen to them. So, it may have something to do about having confidence and your willingness to be seen.
You're right. Attitude makes a big difference. I have been seated by those swinging doors, too. These days, if I really don't like the table they lead me to and I see other empty places, I ask for a different table. I have the same right as everyone else to be comfortable. If the restaurant is full, I take what I can get and assume they're doing the best they can.
I went to my first party by myself on St. Patrick's day. When we were quite young, I was the outgoing one, but as we got older, my husband had that role. I did know many people there, but it was hard, since everyone seemed to be couples. I forced myself to stay and mingle, although it was a bit painful. Hopefully I get better at it.
I always admire your gumption to put yourself out there!
Good for you. It isn't easy, but we need to stay involved, and you did it.