I have had friend groups like the ones shown in FRIENDS and other sitcoms. We were constantly around each other and doing everything together, but it was more out of necessity than anything else. We were all college students sharing an apartment. The neighboring apartments were also full of students, and they would come hang out with us. We did everything together, not only for the companionship, but because it saved a lot of time and money, and was safer. There was no privacy, but the trade-off was worth it. I am now married with a child, but I sincerely miss those days. I would love to have roommates again someday. I think more older people should get roommates, and live like the Golden Girls.
Thanks for this, Sue. Background: I'm 74 and a new widow. I have friends, mostly in the city an hour+ away, and "local" friends in my book club 45 minutes away. It seems that very few people in our demographic want to drive an hour out to the country! It always takes a fair bit of planning to arrange meet-ups, and I am the one who's willing to drive the distance. If our friends lived in our neighborhood, we might be pleasantly surprised by a knock on the door. It's a trade-off - living in the country, and we do find ourselves alone more often.
Our Newport 60+ Women’s group (via facebook) has really fulfilled that need for me. I’ve made a core group of new friends and adding to it all of the time. Now I don’t know how I made it without them.
And, fyi, in the group chats there’s one labeled something like “spur of the moment hookups”.
I’m comfortable going out to eat by myself now but still enjoy it more with company. So one night I posted that I wondered if anyone was up to going to dinner with me and immediately got a “blind date”. It was fun getting to know a stranger over dinner!
I think the hardest thing is letting people know when we need - or even want them. This group makes that so much easier for me
Sasha, you're right. I almost mentioned the 60+ group. I haven't gotten very involved because of my schedule, but I have made a couple a treasured friends. I had forgotten about the spur of the moment option. I need to try that one. Thanks.
Readers from elsewhere, a group of women in Newport, Oregon put out the call for others to get together for various activities, and it has worked beautifully, much of it thanks to Sasha's work on this.
Awww, Sue, hate to think of you alone in your kitchen crying. Very glad you shared, and hoping it untwisted some of the sadness. Another great piece of waiting, thank you so much.
I lives with a group for 27 years. I always had someone to talk to to walk with to laugh with. But I moved out and have loved my solitude for another 20 years now it does feel lonely and I long like you do for a posse of friends who do things together spontaneously always on call. I have lots of friends at a distance but I don't have my local posse. I've rented a guest room in my house to younger people and I always love their company so I have strategies to fill my house with life and then to reclaim it. I used to see my friends everyday down in town but since the pandemic and aging that's far less. You struck a cord.
I was an only child and an introverted nerd in the 70s when my mother died. Both through that isolation and because of my personality, I think, I was wary of groups of kids, and I've never hung out in a group. I have reliable friends I see one at a time. I'm 60 and haven't yet been able to change this. As a kid I dreamed of being part of a big family.
Thanks for the great article...it was fun to think about the friends that I have had in my life. Probably with each group, I had different needs, and they were right person for then. The friends that I had when I was growing up and thought that I would have forever are long gone. As I think about it, the friends that I had while working and sharing so many great times are also maybe not gone but we never seemed to gather again after covid. When I was married, I had different sets of friends including their family who were also my friends. and then totally different friends while I was single (probably more like the Friends group). Now I have lots of friends from where I volunteer but only see while I am there three days a week. I am 81 and am no longer going out to clubs at night but if I wanted to, I could go with some of them.
Gotta say that the older I get the dearer my relationship with my sisters has become.
There are four of us and we get together weekly at what we call our sister's meeting and attend church together and all the other days we text throughout each one. They have known me all my life, we have traveled the world together and we can play that remember when game.
I have a close relationship with my son, who may not technically be a friend but oh, so much more.
On another topic (I forgot to mention, I LOVED Somebody, Somewhere too!) Re: your cookbook adventure. I love cookbooks! I cooked out of a couple delicious Mediterranean Diet books for 2 years- feeling so smart and healthy. Both of us gained a few pounds and I was diagnosed with Prediabetes. What the heck? Out went those recipes and in came new ones that don't include root vegetables, whole grains, lentils,or beans. I am dedicated to lowering my blood sugar w/o medications, as they all have side effects. We are eating whole food (as in, not ultra processed), very low carb, keto. Actually, I found some great cookbooks that provide very tasty recipes AND we both lost weight. Go figure. It takes trial and error to find a cookbook that works best for you and offers recipes you actually want to make and eat. Good luck!
I would love to be near some actual friends! Alas, moving 3 times in the last 12 years has not been good for that. In my current location I can say I have 2 new friends but we are not on the level of hanging out that much. I think we might not have enough in common as far as hobbies, eating habits, general lifestyle. But we keep in occasional touch. Still, I am hopeful. Thanks for this post.
Big hugs, Sue! Having been highly mobile during my career - total of 18 relos across 10 countries, my chosen family of friends are spread out. While I manage to Whatsapp, text, and videochat enough to stay connected, there is an inner 'core' that feels the ripples of events more closely. By the time I connect with others, the impact and resonance dissipate. AND the literal hands-on help is very few, local neighbours whom I call on if needed.
For the moment, things work well for social contact given the daily routine, appointments, care routine.
Awwwwww…. The crying over the grated zucchini got to me 💔
It’s funny you mention the friend genre. Some of my favorite movies and shows are of the type you describe: “The Big Chill”, “Thirtysomething”. Even movies/shows about families are… not like my family. My sisters and I don’t meet at the sauna every week (“Sisters”). We don’t even get together for holidays (“The Family Stone”).
I am a loner at heart but even I wish sometimes for companionship. But let’s be honest, I’d be wondering when the companion is going to be leaving so I can clean up after them and have my peace again.
It kind of sucks being the way I am because it is lonely by default.
But I do go out to eat alone on the regular, but low key (diners) and I don’t put on makeup. I save that for when I have to get together with people, ha!
Elle, I loved Thirtysomething and Sisters. But like you, I need my me-time, and I often eat out alone. Funny, I'm about to put on makeup before getting my hair cut. If I keep having to look at myself in the mirror with wet hair, I want my face to look as good as possible.
My sister (whose life exhausts me just thinking about it, and who maybe would like to have mine sometimes) gave me a coaster that says, "Listen, I'm not going to come, but I still want to be invited." Yep.
I remember hearing the writers/producers of "Friends" saying that the show focused on a very particular time in people's lives: young adulthood, when everyone is single and available. The show ended when the characters started getting married and having babies.
Geographic proximity is also a big aspect of friend groups. It's easier if you live in a city, or a small community where people can walk to get together. Once you have to get in a car and drive somewhere, the effort level rises and it's no longer just popping in or hanging out.
Some faith communities form these kinds of bonds, where a church or mosque or temple becomes a social focal point. Then there are the kinds of bonds formed by people weathering a big challenge together, like AA and other 12-Step programs, where deep connections can form.
Work friendships can have this flavor as well: you're together for hours every day, and having coffee or lunch together is easy and natural. But sadly, few work friendships seem to survive when a person changes jobs or retires. It's not that the bonds aren't real, just that the proximity and the constantly shared common experiences are no longer there.
I totally agree, Jenn. Something has to bring people together and keep them in touch. When we're spread out in our houses and too far to drive, it's not the same. And yes, with Ross and Rachel and Chander and Monica becoming parents, Friends could not be the same. It's a special time.
Last summer I bought an e-trike and I've been riding about 20 miles every day (weather permitting). Just recently I've made two friends who are buying e-trikes so we can ride together! This is very fun not to mention good exercise. I also have one friend I've never met in person but we write e-mail nearly every day for the last dozen years and have become very close, like sisters. At this age, nearing 80, it is more challenging to find people to do things with but I keep moving and keep looking for kindred spirits. Life is good. I never watched Friends or any of those TV shows, big groups of friends are not my style. I have my FB page and limit it to about 20 people, that's enough. If I was completely by myself I might feel differently. I enjoy my time with my husband and know that at our ages, these days are precious and few. I try to be nice to him and plan small things we can do together each day. These are the "happy, golden years" with him.
I would love to see 'Somebody, Somewhere'.....I use Roku. Wonder if I can YouTube it? I'll be 68 soon. I live with Jim, (we've both been widowed by cancer and have been together since 2011.) my special needs adult daughter, a bunch of dogs and a parrot. I have some friends, but no, they have their own lives.
It gets complicated, doesn't it. You can watch "Somebody, Somewhere" with the premium versions of Roku, Hulu, Amazon Prime, YouTube, and Sling. I hope you can see it with one of those.
I have had friend groups like the ones shown in FRIENDS and other sitcoms. We were constantly around each other and doing everything together, but it was more out of necessity than anything else. We were all college students sharing an apartment. The neighboring apartments were also full of students, and they would come hang out with us. We did everything together, not only for the companionship, but because it saved a lot of time and money, and was safer. There was no privacy, but the trade-off was worth it. I am now married with a child, but I sincerely miss those days. I would love to have roommates again someday. I think more older people should get roommates, and live like the Golden Girls.
Thanks for this, Sue. Background: I'm 74 and a new widow. I have friends, mostly in the city an hour+ away, and "local" friends in my book club 45 minutes away. It seems that very few people in our demographic want to drive an hour out to the country! It always takes a fair bit of planning to arrange meet-ups, and I am the one who's willing to drive the distance. If our friends lived in our neighborhood, we might be pleasantly surprised by a knock on the door. It's a trade-off - living in the country, and we do find ourselves alone more often.
Our Newport 60+ Women’s group (via facebook) has really fulfilled that need for me. I’ve made a core group of new friends and adding to it all of the time. Now I don’t know how I made it without them.
And, fyi, in the group chats there’s one labeled something like “spur of the moment hookups”.
I’m comfortable going out to eat by myself now but still enjoy it more with company. So one night I posted that I wondered if anyone was up to going to dinner with me and immediately got a “blind date”. It was fun getting to know a stranger over dinner!
I think the hardest thing is letting people know when we need - or even want them. This group makes that so much easier for me
Sasha, you're right. I almost mentioned the 60+ group. I haven't gotten very involved because of my schedule, but I have made a couple a treasured friends. I had forgotten about the spur of the moment option. I need to try that one. Thanks.
Readers from elsewhere, a group of women in Newport, Oregon put out the call for others to get together for various activities, and it has worked beautifully, much of it thanks to Sasha's work on this.
I love this idea. Good for you for taking part and expanding your reach.
Awww, Sue, hate to think of you alone in your kitchen crying. Very glad you shared, and hoping it untwisted some of the sadness. Another great piece of waiting, thank you so much.
writing not waiting
I lives with a group for 27 years. I always had someone to talk to to walk with to laugh with. But I moved out and have loved my solitude for another 20 years now it does feel lonely and I long like you do for a posse of friends who do things together spontaneously always on call. I have lots of friends at a distance but I don't have my local posse. I've rented a guest room in my house to younger people and I always love their company so I have strategies to fill my house with life and then to reclaim it. I used to see my friends everyday down in town but since the pandemic and aging that's far less. You struck a cord.
I was an only child and an introverted nerd in the 70s when my mother died. Both through that isolation and because of my personality, I think, I was wary of groups of kids, and I've never hung out in a group. I have reliable friends I see one at a time. I'm 60 and haven't yet been able to change this. As a kid I dreamed of being part of a big family.
Great post, Sue. I checked out Somebody, Somewhere last night. Loved it. Thanks for the suggestion.
Thanks for the great article...it was fun to think about the friends that I have had in my life. Probably with each group, I had different needs, and they were right person for then. The friends that I had when I was growing up and thought that I would have forever are long gone. As I think about it, the friends that I had while working and sharing so many great times are also maybe not gone but we never seemed to gather again after covid. When I was married, I had different sets of friends including their family who were also my friends. and then totally different friends while I was single (probably more like the Friends group). Now I have lots of friends from where I volunteer but only see while I am there three days a week. I am 81 and am no longer going out to clubs at night but if I wanted to, I could go with some of them.
Gotta say that the older I get the dearer my relationship with my sisters has become.
There are four of us and we get together weekly at what we call our sister's meeting and attend church together and all the other days we text throughout each one. They have known me all my life, we have traveled the world together and we can play that remember when game.
I have a close relationship with my son, who may not technically be a friend but oh, so much more.
On another topic (I forgot to mention, I LOVED Somebody, Somewhere too!) Re: your cookbook adventure. I love cookbooks! I cooked out of a couple delicious Mediterranean Diet books for 2 years- feeling so smart and healthy. Both of us gained a few pounds and I was diagnosed with Prediabetes. What the heck? Out went those recipes and in came new ones that don't include root vegetables, whole grains, lentils,or beans. I am dedicated to lowering my blood sugar w/o medications, as they all have side effects. We are eating whole food (as in, not ultra processed), very low carb, keto. Actually, I found some great cookbooks that provide very tasty recipes AND we both lost weight. Go figure. It takes trial and error to find a cookbook that works best for you and offers recipes you actually want to make and eat. Good luck!
I would love to be near some actual friends! Alas, moving 3 times in the last 12 years has not been good for that. In my current location I can say I have 2 new friends but we are not on the level of hanging out that much. I think we might not have enough in common as far as hobbies, eating habits, general lifestyle. But we keep in occasional touch. Still, I am hopeful. Thanks for this post.
Big hugs, Sue! Having been highly mobile during my career - total of 18 relos across 10 countries, my chosen family of friends are spread out. While I manage to Whatsapp, text, and videochat enough to stay connected, there is an inner 'core' that feels the ripples of events more closely. By the time I connect with others, the impact and resonance dissipate. AND the literal hands-on help is very few, local neighbours whom I call on if needed.
For the moment, things work well for social contact given the daily routine, appointments, care routine.
Awwwwww…. The crying over the grated zucchini got to me 💔
It’s funny you mention the friend genre. Some of my favorite movies and shows are of the type you describe: “The Big Chill”, “Thirtysomething”. Even movies/shows about families are… not like my family. My sisters and I don’t meet at the sauna every week (“Sisters”). We don’t even get together for holidays (“The Family Stone”).
I am a loner at heart but even I wish sometimes for companionship. But let’s be honest, I’d be wondering when the companion is going to be leaving so I can clean up after them and have my peace again.
It kind of sucks being the way I am because it is lonely by default.
But I do go out to eat alone on the regular, but low key (diners) and I don’t put on makeup. I save that for when I have to get together with people, ha!
Elle, I loved Thirtysomething and Sisters. But like you, I need my me-time, and I often eat out alone. Funny, I'm about to put on makeup before getting my hair cut. If I keep having to look at myself in the mirror with wet hair, I want my face to look as good as possible.
My sister (whose life exhausts me just thinking about it, and who maybe would like to have mine sometimes) gave me a coaster that says, "Listen, I'm not going to come, but I still want to be invited." Yep.
Nice.
I remember hearing the writers/producers of "Friends" saying that the show focused on a very particular time in people's lives: young adulthood, when everyone is single and available. The show ended when the characters started getting married and having babies.
Geographic proximity is also a big aspect of friend groups. It's easier if you live in a city, or a small community where people can walk to get together. Once you have to get in a car and drive somewhere, the effort level rises and it's no longer just popping in or hanging out.
Some faith communities form these kinds of bonds, where a church or mosque or temple becomes a social focal point. Then there are the kinds of bonds formed by people weathering a big challenge together, like AA and other 12-Step programs, where deep connections can form.
Work friendships can have this flavor as well: you're together for hours every day, and having coffee or lunch together is easy and natural. But sadly, few work friendships seem to survive when a person changes jobs or retires. It's not that the bonds aren't real, just that the proximity and the constantly shared common experiences are no longer there.
Thanks for a lot to think about!
I totally agree, Jenn. Something has to bring people together and keep them in touch. When we're spread out in our houses and too far to drive, it's not the same. And yes, with Ross and Rachel and Chander and Monica becoming parents, Friends could not be the same. It's a special time.
Last summer I bought an e-trike and I've been riding about 20 miles every day (weather permitting). Just recently I've made two friends who are buying e-trikes so we can ride together! This is very fun not to mention good exercise. I also have one friend I've never met in person but we write e-mail nearly every day for the last dozen years and have become very close, like sisters. At this age, nearing 80, it is more challenging to find people to do things with but I keep moving and keep looking for kindred spirits. Life is good. I never watched Friends or any of those TV shows, big groups of friends are not my style. I have my FB page and limit it to about 20 people, that's enough. If I was completely by myself I might feel differently. I enjoy my time with my husband and know that at our ages, these days are precious and few. I try to be nice to him and plan small things we can do together each day. These are the "happy, golden years" with him.
I like it!
I would love to see 'Somebody, Somewhere'.....I use Roku. Wonder if I can YouTube it? I'll be 68 soon. I live with Jim, (we've both been widowed by cancer and have been together since 2011.) my special needs adult daughter, a bunch of dogs and a parrot. I have some friends, but no, they have their own lives.
It gets complicated, doesn't it. You can watch "Somebody, Somewhere" with the premium versions of Roku, Hulu, Amazon Prime, YouTube, and Sling. I hope you can see it with one of those.