This has been my experience with grief too Sue; that it waits for a quiet moment to roar in - a long weekend; the return from a good time spent with others; the 'down time' of a long-anticipated holiday...
Chocolate cake with Cool Whip?? Brilliant. That said, I believe you are right - scheduling something, anything really, can force one to get out of their hidey hole and connect with people.
It’s just me and my pub living in our townhouse. I’ve struggled with depression my entire adult life. Therapy helped/helps, so do antidepressants. One thing that didn’t help was marriage. Believe me, I tried. Three times! Five years ago I moved to a new state. Although I love it, I often wonder if it was a good idea to leave my old friends behind. As a senior with mobility issues, it hasn’t been easy to connect with people. Nonetheless I think the key to coping with depression is to get out, force yourself, and connect with people. Being single is a fine life, but living in isolation undermines whatever independence you’ve gained by going it alone. I need more friends, not dates.
I ended up moving during Covid and it was rough making new friends. I didn't plan on moving because if you live alone, don't have a regular job and your social life is yoga it was hard to meet people. I didn't want to give up my friends. Whenever I would meet someone "nice" I'd say "I know I sound like a 3rd grader but do you want to be friends?" It often worked.
I'm one of the lucky ones who has experienced very few instances of depression in my 80 years. So, I was one of those who did not understand how folks "could let themselves stay in the dumps and not just get over it." It wasn't until my 60s that I met a friend who let me in on her struggle, 'til I went with her to a psychiatry appointment and that good doctor explained how depression worked. Then I understood and was able to be there for my friend. Having these open conversations will help more people recognize and understand depression. Thank you for this, Sue. xoA <3
Living alone is not the issue in my thoughts. It’s when one starts to isolate, to avoid picking up the ringing phone, neglecting messages, avoiding making plans or jamming last minute. Do it for long enough, most people will give up and there one is. Isolated. Truly alone.
I’m medicated too, and not ashamed to say it. It took many, many years to find a drug that worked for more than a couple of months. But we have and through some miracle of socialized Canadian healthcare, I have had the same psychiatrist stick with me for more than 20 years. I’ve never had to pay her. I have no idea who does, in fact.
But it’s the medication, my 15 year long gratitude practice and making real, honest to goodness salt of the earth friends, and keeping myself from isolating. There’s where the danger is for me. Keeping my friends, even the virtual ones, and my family involved has kept me from the black dog. So far, so good, anyway.
Oh, this is a difficult one! On the one hand, I can feel low because I live alone and miss my late husband and now also my late dad. Late evenings are the worst time when I often end up watching TV instead of heading for bed which would be better. On the other hand, most people would get on my nerves when I'm feeling down. It would have to be someone who's prepared to be there but in the background and not wanting my attention all of the time, but who knows that I simply need a hug, not "smart" advice. Someone who understands me without words.
I totally understand, says the woman who binge-watched TV till after midnight the other night and woke up with a killer migraine. I agree that the wrong people are no help at all, the folks who think you can just "snap out of it."
I have struggled with chronic depression and alcoholism and have been the best version of myself that I’ve ever been thanks to setting up a routine for myself. It’s so important to schedule your day for those of us retired and alone. I’m great between 7 pm and noon, so it’s those hours during the day I need to plan out to keep depression at bay. Good advice in your post!
Oh Sue. You’ve beautifully expressed a gut wrenching feeling. I do think that depression mixed with isolation is a terrible diet. I too have experienced it, and it is so challenging to express because even that is too much of a bother. Many years ago there was an ad for medicine aimed at dealing with depression. It pictured a dark blue lumpy saggy bathrobe that was clearly heavy and oppressive. The bathrobe followed each person around, eventually alighting upon someone and crushing them with its weight. As I now add your image of the Swamp to the picture I’ve painted, it feels accurate.
So many questions linger in my thoughts as an older single woman. My children (2 daughters) have long since left the nest, and are living their best lives. Our society has created a “coupled” world. And moving through it in a single manner is a challenge. Hmm, seems like I need to write an essay also.
Isolation is a killer. Add depression or any mental health challenges, mix in addiction recovery, and pain life struggles... " quiet desperation" is a phrase from Pink Floyd that fits eerily close.
Meditation, mindfulness, philosophical introspection... inward looking like that helps me, even when things are dark.
And that helps me see things are beautiful if not rally my choice.
Oh Sue, I can't imagine the pain, though I understand. I'm watching my mum going through the grief of a lost husband, and her depression is all encompassing. She belongs to that generation when women did everything for their husbands, including ironing their undies, and putting out his clothes for the day. Now there is nothing. She has no hobbies, no friends, nothing. It's a lesson for all of us to stay connected as much as possible. You're doing great.
Thanks for finding out that Churchill was the source of "the black dog" label for depression and anxiety, Sue! Makes me feel better to know that even someone as successful as Winnie had this struggle too.
I'm late reading this essay but it is a subject that haunts me. I remember the days when I was single and encountered depression frequently, mostly on weekends and always on holidays. It looms ahead of me every time my husband tells me I'll long outlive him. I have enjoyed my alone time whenever they happen for the decades we've been together but I suspect it is because I know they are temporary. The day will come when that won't be the case. Depression is a kind of family disease; I have been spared the worst of it. My siblings have suffered and my mom. So it, too, lurks at the edge of my days -- especially those days when I am not feeling good.
When I was in between marriages, dealing with a lot of grief and undiagnosed mental health stuff, I did a pretty good job keeping myself busy on the weekends. I climbed a lot of mountains. It’s while I’ve had a partner that the weekend depression tends to hit if I haven’t planned anything. He’s been at work all week and is happy to relax or work on his own projects. I’ve been home all week waiting for him to hang out. But if there’s not a plan, we drift all day, and it feels wasted. I spend the day in bed, even if it’s beautiful outside. The depression creeps in. At least it’s not just me! Thank you for writing about this. I shared a piece on Substack about my own experience of depression:
This has been my experience with grief too Sue; that it waits for a quiet moment to roar in - a long weekend; the return from a good time spent with others; the 'down time' of a long-anticipated holiday...
Chocolate cake with Cool Whip?? Brilliant. That said, I believe you are right - scheduling something, anything really, can force one to get out of their hidey hole and connect with people.
It’s just me and my pub living in our townhouse. I’ve struggled with depression my entire adult life. Therapy helped/helps, so do antidepressants. One thing that didn’t help was marriage. Believe me, I tried. Three times! Five years ago I moved to a new state. Although I love it, I often wonder if it was a good idea to leave my old friends behind. As a senior with mobility issues, it hasn’t been easy to connect with people. Nonetheless I think the key to coping with depression is to get out, force yourself, and connect with people. Being single is a fine life, but living in isolation undermines whatever independence you’ve gained by going it alone. I need more friends, not dates.
Amen. Thank you for sharing this.
My pug not pub 😂
I ended up moving during Covid and it was rough making new friends. I didn't plan on moving because if you live alone, don't have a regular job and your social life is yoga it was hard to meet people. I didn't want to give up my friends. Whenever I would meet someone "nice" I'd say "I know I sound like a 3rd grader but do you want to be friends?" It often worked.
I'm one of the lucky ones who has experienced very few instances of depression in my 80 years. So, I was one of those who did not understand how folks "could let themselves stay in the dumps and not just get over it." It wasn't until my 60s that I met a friend who let me in on her struggle, 'til I went with her to a psychiatry appointment and that good doctor explained how depression worked. Then I understood and was able to be there for my friend. Having these open conversations will help more people recognize and understand depression. Thank you for this, Sue. xoA <3
Living alone is not the issue in my thoughts. It’s when one starts to isolate, to avoid picking up the ringing phone, neglecting messages, avoiding making plans or jamming last minute. Do it for long enough, most people will give up and there one is. Isolated. Truly alone.
I’m medicated too, and not ashamed to say it. It took many, many years to find a drug that worked for more than a couple of months. But we have and through some miracle of socialized Canadian healthcare, I have had the same psychiatrist stick with me for more than 20 years. I’ve never had to pay her. I have no idea who does, in fact.
But it’s the medication, my 15 year long gratitude practice and making real, honest to goodness salt of the earth friends, and keeping myself from isolating. There’s where the danger is for me. Keeping my friends, even the virtual ones, and my family involved has kept me from the black dog. So far, so good, anyway.
Oh, this is a difficult one! On the one hand, I can feel low because I live alone and miss my late husband and now also my late dad. Late evenings are the worst time when I often end up watching TV instead of heading for bed which would be better. On the other hand, most people would get on my nerves when I'm feeling down. It would have to be someone who's prepared to be there but in the background and not wanting my attention all of the time, but who knows that I simply need a hug, not "smart" advice. Someone who understands me without words.
I totally understand, says the woman who binge-watched TV till after midnight the other night and woke up with a killer migraine. I agree that the wrong people are no help at all, the folks who think you can just "snap out of it."
I have struggled with chronic depression and alcoholism and have been the best version of myself that I’ve ever been thanks to setting up a routine for myself. It’s so important to schedule your day for those of us retired and alone. I’m great between 7 pm and noon, so it’s those hours during the day I need to plan out to keep depression at bay. Good advice in your post!
Thanks for sharing these poignant insights and experiences Sue, this is such an important conversation❤
Oh Sue. You’ve beautifully expressed a gut wrenching feeling. I do think that depression mixed with isolation is a terrible diet. I too have experienced it, and it is so challenging to express because even that is too much of a bother. Many years ago there was an ad for medicine aimed at dealing with depression. It pictured a dark blue lumpy saggy bathrobe that was clearly heavy and oppressive. The bathrobe followed each person around, eventually alighting upon someone and crushing them with its weight. As I now add your image of the Swamp to the picture I’ve painted, it feels accurate.
So many questions linger in my thoughts as an older single woman. My children (2 daughters) have long since left the nest, and are living their best lives. Our society has created a “coupled” world. And moving through it in a single manner is a challenge. Hmm, seems like I need to write an essay also.
((Hugs)) of compassion.
Thank you. Write that essay, Teyani. I know it will be good.
Thank you, dear Sue. It took me the better part of today, but I just finished it.
Your sharing, gentle spirit is good for so many.
https://stayingtogether.substack.com/p/its-quiet-on-the-lake-meet-me-here
Well done, Teyani!
Fuck it. Write about it as long as you want.
Totally agree with you! Write about it a much as you like- they're are more of us than there are of them. ❤️
Glad to be here and hear from everyone.
Isolation is a killer. Add depression or any mental health challenges, mix in addiction recovery, and pain life struggles... " quiet desperation" is a phrase from Pink Floyd that fits eerily close.
Meditation, mindfulness, philosophical introspection... inward looking like that helps me, even when things are dark.
And that helps me see things are beautiful if not rally my choice.
You are not alone.
Yes. Good stuff, heydave.
Oh Sue, I can't imagine the pain, though I understand. I'm watching my mum going through the grief of a lost husband, and her depression is all encompassing. She belongs to that generation when women did everything for their husbands, including ironing their undies, and putting out his clothes for the day. Now there is nothing. She has no hobbies, no friends, nothing. It's a lesson for all of us to stay connected as much as possible. You're doing great.
Thank you, Jo. My mother was like that, too.
This is so powerful and poignant, and wise about the strategies to keep The Swamp at bay.
Thank you!
Thanks for finding out that Churchill was the source of "the black dog" label for depression and anxiety, Sue! Makes me feel better to know that even someone as successful as Winnie had this struggle too.
Apparently, Churchill had a hard time with his mental health. I always thought Hemingway said it, but I thought I'd better check.
I'm late reading this essay but it is a subject that haunts me. I remember the days when I was single and encountered depression frequently, mostly on weekends and always on holidays. It looms ahead of me every time my husband tells me I'll long outlive him. I have enjoyed my alone time whenever they happen for the decades we've been together but I suspect it is because I know they are temporary. The day will come when that won't be the case. Depression is a kind of family disease; I have been spared the worst of it. My siblings have suffered and my mom. So it, too, lurks at the edge of my days -- especially those days when I am not feeling good.
Awareness helps, I think. It can inform your choices if you do end up alone.
When I was in between marriages, dealing with a lot of grief and undiagnosed mental health stuff, I did a pretty good job keeping myself busy on the weekends. I climbed a lot of mountains. It’s while I’ve had a partner that the weekend depression tends to hit if I haven’t planned anything. He’s been at work all week and is happy to relax or work on his own projects. I’ve been home all week waiting for him to hang out. But if there’s not a plan, we drift all day, and it feels wasted. I spend the day in bed, even if it’s beautiful outside. The depression creeps in. At least it’s not just me! Thank you for writing about this. I shared a piece on Substack about my own experience of depression:
www.lizexplores.com/p/what-depression-feels-like
Lizl, it's definitely not just you. Together we can help shine a light on this.