This is an important essay! My mom was widowed in March 1959 when my father died . My sister was three and I had turned four in December. I remember many of the events surrounding that time period. Mom was 26 years old. It was quite unusual in 1959 in our midwestern small town to be from a single parent family. As kids, we were definitely “ different”. My mother had a part time job, grew a garden, and raised calves and pigs on our three acre property to hold things together financially. We had far less than other children but we had what we needed. The older I get (70), the more I appreciate what she went through and the steps she took to survive. I was raised in this situation, and much to my astonishment, I look back and realize how independent of a person I came to be. Perhaps the childhood experience contributed to that development. After a 45 year career and raising a family, I am now retired and take care of my mom in her home. My husband takes care of the mechanical issues at our home, and I take care of the finances, the taxes, the bills, the bank accounts. Each of us would be lost without the other, but more from an emotional sense rather than a financial or technical sense. How things have changed.
Great article. Thank you! I feel really fortunate that things have changed for older women. I’ve been a widow for 6 years, living on my own and doing all the things. I’m 80 now, and enjoyed a trip to London with my oldest son last fall, in celebration of that milestone. In a month I’ll move into a wonderful studio attached to my daughter and her family’s home on three acres in the hills of San Diego County. I can’t wait for this change! And I think that craving change and adventure, plus having an endless curiosity about everything is what keeps me happy and thriving. I’m fortunate enough to have financial resources that are more than adequate, if not abundant, and a loving family who doesn’t treat me like a doddering idiot. My health is good, although I know that can change as I age. I have thrived on my own and have reveled in being able to take care of finances and stuff around my house and yard. Onward!
Loved reading about how you are doing...I am happy to see that you are thriving. Although my story is different, I feel like I am too. As Sue said, we can do it.
Another insightful article, Sue. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm almost 70 and not yet a widow, but I'm trying to prepare for what I know is inevitable, unless I go first. It helps to know what is coming and that it is possible to make it through.
Hi all. Sometimes people write to me by email, and their thoughts don't show up in the comments. One reader corrected me on an important point. It was not illegal for women to apply for credit cards or own property in 1967, but people in the financial world often refused to let women do these things on their own. Women had no legal protection until the Equal Credit Opportunity Act passed in 1974.
Thank you Sue . Such a thought and memory provoking topic !
I've haven't really thought in depth about my own grandmothers, both in typical marriages and widowed before WWII, and how they coped at the time. I know my maternal grandmother was widowed suddenly before she was 40, but managed to stay in her own home and raise 2 children. I know my mother had to leave school at 14 to get a job.
My paternal grandmother was widowed in her 60s I think and spent time living with each of her 3 children, before eventually being placed in an aged care facility.
When my father died in 1989 I had to step in and take care of the finances for my mother. Luckily they had moved to a retirement village and we were able to upgrade her care to the hostel.
But yeah.... just awful for women who suddenly found that their secure life was nothing but an illusion.
I count myself lucky. When I was suddenly widowed in 2017 I had worked all my life and had superannuation. I had an income.
I must say though, being married multiple times, there was this still this lingering attitude and expectation all along that my career in IT and consequent financial independence was a temporary thing and my real "career" was that of a "homemaker". My relevance was measured in conforming to the wife stereotype. Pressure, pressure, pressure.
In the end I'm grateful I don't need anyone in my life and actually find strength in my solitude. Doing all the things my past partners wouldn't comprehend or much less cope with. So liberating and genuinely joyful.
I think men's needs are simpler ... I think most of them find it easier to slip into a new relationship and are basically just looking for housekeeper with benefits . Exploring who they are sadly isn't a priority.
Afterall marriage has been a construct for men by men for millennia.
One more thing .... I sometimes shudder to think where I would be now if I hadn't worked all my life. The fastest growing demographic of homeless people in Australia is women over 50 who have found themselves suddenly alone with no means of support!
Women in my family do not have great luck with our husbands being long-lived. My double great grandmother lost her husband to typhoid fever when she was 28. She had four small children. She somehow made it by taking in ironing and cleaning peoples' houses. Her daughter (who I knew well) lived to be 94, and was a widow for 30 years, my grandmother lost her husband at 37, after years of him being ill. And I am one of the 1/3 of women who became a widow before I turned 60 (just before I turned 54).
My mother is also a widow (at 70), and I am lucky that I live with her and we have each other. I have never lived alone, and I do fear that. But, I know that I come from a long line of strong women and will be able to do that when the time comes.
This is why I love your writing, I see another strong woman who may struggle, but is doing it on her own. Thank you!
Sue, you are right...we can do it. I think that it can be overwhelming for someone who never paid the bills or had the knowledge of what they were nor how to balance what comes in and out of an account. It reminds me of the time when my husband (of the time) would write a check (when we were still using them) and forget to tell me to deduct it from our account. I got riled up and he said that he would take over the job of paying the bills...that lasted about a month when he turned the job back over to me saying he was sorry and that I handled it much better than he did. He even thanked me for doing the job.
Your grandmother doesn't sound like this, but, in my experience, there are some women and men too that can act like they are helpless to get people to help when in fact they can actually do it themselves.
This is an important essay! My mom was widowed in March 1959 when my father died . My sister was three and I had turned four in December. I remember many of the events surrounding that time period. Mom was 26 years old. It was quite unusual in 1959 in our midwestern small town to be from a single parent family. As kids, we were definitely “ different”. My mother had a part time job, grew a garden, and raised calves and pigs on our three acre property to hold things together financially. We had far less than other children but we had what we needed. The older I get (70), the more I appreciate what she went through and the steps she took to survive. I was raised in this situation, and much to my astonishment, I look back and realize how independent of a person I came to be. Perhaps the childhood experience contributed to that development. After a 45 year career and raising a family, I am now retired and take care of my mom in her home. My husband takes care of the mechanical issues at our home, and I take care of the finances, the taxes, the bills, the bank accounts. Each of us would be lost without the other, but more from an emotional sense rather than a financial or technical sense. How things have changed.
Great article. Thank you! I feel really fortunate that things have changed for older women. I’ve been a widow for 6 years, living on my own and doing all the things. I’m 80 now, and enjoyed a trip to London with my oldest son last fall, in celebration of that milestone. In a month I’ll move into a wonderful studio attached to my daughter and her family’s home on three acres in the hills of San Diego County. I can’t wait for this change! And I think that craving change and adventure, plus having an endless curiosity about everything is what keeps me happy and thriving. I’m fortunate enough to have financial resources that are more than adequate, if not abundant, and a loving family who doesn’t treat me like a doddering idiot. My health is good, although I know that can change as I age. I have thrived on my own and have reveled in being able to take care of finances and stuff around my house and yard. Onward!
Loved reading about how you are doing...I am happy to see that you are thriving. Although my story is different, I feel like I am too. As Sue said, we can do it.
Bravo! Thank you for sharing this.
Another insightful article, Sue. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm almost 70 and not yet a widow, but I'm trying to prepare for what I know is inevitable, unless I go first. It helps to know what is coming and that it is possible to make it through.
Wonderful article, Sue.
Hi all. Sometimes people write to me by email, and their thoughts don't show up in the comments. One reader corrected me on an important point. It was not illegal for women to apply for credit cards or own property in 1967, but people in the financial world often refused to let women do these things on their own. Women had no legal protection until the Equal Credit Opportunity Act passed in 1974.
Thank you Sue . Such a thought and memory provoking topic !
I've haven't really thought in depth about my own grandmothers, both in typical marriages and widowed before WWII, and how they coped at the time. I know my maternal grandmother was widowed suddenly before she was 40, but managed to stay in her own home and raise 2 children. I know my mother had to leave school at 14 to get a job.
My paternal grandmother was widowed in her 60s I think and spent time living with each of her 3 children, before eventually being placed in an aged care facility.
When my father died in 1989 I had to step in and take care of the finances for my mother. Luckily they had moved to a retirement village and we were able to upgrade her care to the hostel.
But yeah.... just awful for women who suddenly found that their secure life was nothing but an illusion.
I count myself lucky. When I was suddenly widowed in 2017 I had worked all my life and had superannuation. I had an income.
I must say though, being married multiple times, there was this still this lingering attitude and expectation all along that my career in IT and consequent financial independence was a temporary thing and my real "career" was that of a "homemaker". My relevance was measured in conforming to the wife stereotype. Pressure, pressure, pressure.
In the end I'm grateful I don't need anyone in my life and actually find strength in my solitude. Doing all the things my past partners wouldn't comprehend or much less cope with. So liberating and genuinely joyful.
I think men's needs are simpler ... I think most of them find it easier to slip into a new relationship and are basically just looking for housekeeper with benefits . Exploring who they are sadly isn't a priority.
Afterall marriage has been a construct for men by men for millennia.
One more thing .... I sometimes shudder to think where I would be now if I hadn't worked all my life. The fastest growing demographic of homeless people in Australia is women over 50 who have found themselves suddenly alone with no means of support!
Yes! Thank you for this brilliant comment.
You always make me think, Sue!
Women in my family do not have great luck with our husbands being long-lived. My double great grandmother lost her husband to typhoid fever when she was 28. She had four small children. She somehow made it by taking in ironing and cleaning peoples' houses. Her daughter (who I knew well) lived to be 94, and was a widow for 30 years, my grandmother lost her husband at 37, after years of him being ill. And I am one of the 1/3 of women who became a widow before I turned 60 (just before I turned 54).
My mother is also a widow (at 70), and I am lucky that I live with her and we have each other. I have never lived alone, and I do fear that. But, I know that I come from a long line of strong women and will be able to do that when the time comes.
This is why I love your writing, I see another strong woman who may struggle, but is doing it on her own. Thank you!
That's a lot of widows. Thank you for your kind words.
Sue, you are right...we can do it. I think that it can be overwhelming for someone who never paid the bills or had the knowledge of what they were nor how to balance what comes in and out of an account. It reminds me of the time when my husband (of the time) would write a check (when we were still using them) and forget to tell me to deduct it from our account. I got riled up and he said that he would take over the job of paying the bills...that lasted about a month when he turned the job back over to me saying he was sorry and that I handled it much better than he did. He even thanked me for doing the job.
Your grandmother doesn't sound like this, but, in my experience, there are some women and men too that can act like they are helpless to get people to help when in fact they can actually do it themselves.
To be honest, Grandma was one of those helpless people.