69 Comments

I’m 44 years old, child-free, and married for the first time in 2020 to my longtime partner who is 10 years older than me. In 2021, my father died unexpectedly after 44 years of marriage to my mother. She moved straight from her fathers house to her marriage when she was 20 years old and knew nothing else. Helping my mother navigate her new life has been eye-opening. My father took care of so much that she remains bewildered and stressed to her limit when she has to take in her car for an oil change. She has no interest in getting remarried, and I (her oldest daughter) am pondering what the remaining years might look like for my 67-year-old mother, as well as for me, a potential caregiver. This also spills over to pondering what my life might look like if I too end up widowed or divorced. Life offers no guarantees. I found your Substack and hope to gain more insight from you and the community you are forming. Thank you!

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Jill Homer! I just read your memoir about your first year in Alaska (as someone who dreams of living there). What a treat to find you in the comments on Substack! I am also 44, currently childless, and (re)married in 2020. Last year I took an epic solo road trip to Alaska with my dogs, and I can’t wait to get back. I’ve written about it on my Substack at www.lizexplores.com, as well as the reasons why I’m childless. I just subscribed to you, and I’m excited to learn what you’re up to now!

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I haven't read your book on your first year in Alaska, but, I've been to Alaska. If you can live there year round, even with someone, you can do ANYTHING. Alaska is not for sissies. I climbed Denali. Well, I spent 7 days on Denali before deciding that was not the mountain I wanted to die on...a whole other story. Back in Talkeetna, I was starving and after hours spent getting the tangles out of my hair, walked to a bar/restaurant for food. I saw women, locals that scared me, a bit. I loved every minute I spent in Alaska, where the mosquitoes are big as small birds.

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I'm 38, never married, never even had a partner. I have been living in Europe by myself for close to 11 years now, my family is in South America. I didn't choose to not have a partner nor many friends. It just didn't really happen even though I spent a good stretch of time trying. I wanted a boyfriend since I was a teenager and wanted many friends, but as I grew older, friends came and went for many reasons, and the boyfriend just didn't happen. At around 32 I decided to question my search and realized that my fear of "ending up alone" AKA without a romantic partner was more a product of societal pressure than a genuine fear. Realizing that really made a huge difference so I stopped trying to meet anyone. I still would like to have many friends, but I've come to realize the world is not set up for that to be feasible for most of us. I have a few close friends but they all live in different continents or countries. I enjoy my time alone, have always vacationed alone, etc. Some days I do feel isolated and I worry about the reality of aging by myself in terms of the logistics of it (or course if i have the privilege to live to old age). It is daunting to think of being an older person with probably health issues and having no one around to support you. But as you have showed, we have no guarantees in life and even people who had the big families can and do end up on the same boat. I am really glad that you created this space. Being alone is such an important topic and I think we all need to be aware that yes, it can be hard, but it's also rewarding and can be done.

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I’m a 54 year old disabled woman. I took many lovers as a younger woman, but my own self loathing informed my choice of partners are almost all were users, abusers and losers. I have been asked to marry, but there was always a good reason not to, and looking back now, from a space where I have actual boundaries and love and respect myself, I’m thankful. I never particularly wanted children, though I see my sister’s kids, now teens and sometimes verge on regret. But I have been alone for over 15 years now - I only ever lived with a couple of people anyway, and I like it. Yes, there are a number of things I need help with as a person with mobility issues and very limited and aged family nearby. But I am blessed with good friends and Canada’s social safety net and have managed to make do. I like being on my own, doing as I please and frankly, am not willing to compromise enough to entertain the notion of living with someone. Maybe that’s selfish? Maybe I’m set in my ways? Probably a good measure of both. I don’t fear aging alone - I’m already disabled with multiple conditions, and I mostly make out okay. Anyway, while I like the companionship of my friends, I no longer have the massive libido I once had and don’t even miss sex. I do miss human contact… but a good hug can satiate me for weeks. Thank you so much for exploring this topic, Sue. I’ll be waiting to see where your Substack goes!

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Thank you, Heather. You are proof we can do it on our own. If you're selfish, so am I.

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Then, let us be selfish! Lol… I wouldn’t have it any other way!

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Divorced 10 years ago (he left me for his coworker who had also become one of my “good” friends). I have an autistic brother, and I didn’t think I could deal with a child with his needs. I think I became more used to being alone during COVID, and it doesn’t really bother me too much anymore.

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Indeed this one hits. I’m also single, 44, only child, never married (I’m not out of optimism on meeting someone), living abroad with no family in this country. It definitely wasn’t planned this way! Fortunately, I do have incredible friends who also discuss how we can support ourselves as a community as we age. Let’s see. Subscribed to Sue’s Substack. Thanks for giving a voice to these stories 🤍

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Apr 5Edited

How I relate to many of these comments! I’m an only child, single and anticipating caregiving for a parent as well as how that will impact my plans to eventually partner and have children, though uniquely I’m 24 and my mother is 70. It feels as though my entire life my mother has been older- as my energy and abilities increased, her’s have declined. Two graph lines running opposite directions. It doesn’t help that she was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was a child. I’ve always known I would likely be orphaned earlier than my peers. Her decision to parent in her late 40s massively shapes my own hopes to have children at an earlier age and give them a more carefree childhood. At the same time, I wonder how ethical it is to bring life into our world today. Maybe procreation never was ethical. As she gets older, I feel a strong sense of responsibility and simultaneous selfishness for even considering how her needs might alter my path. Moving home (rural, small town, conservative) to care for her will significantly limit my opportunities to meet potential partners. I wonder if by preventing her loneliness, I will be ensuring my own.

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Wow. That last line hits hard. I spent a lot of years caregiving. It is essential to hang on to as much of your own life as you can. Someday they will be gone and you will need your own life to keep going.

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I'm not living alone; married almost 39 years, no children. Even before we retired, we spent more time together than most other couples I know. I actually kind of enjoy the rare times that I get the house to myself. But being left alone permanently is an entirely different thing, of course...! We moved to this location (suburban condo) about 8 years ago to be closer to family (his brother, our nephews & other relatives) as we aged, and I like to think they would look out for me if something happened to him -- but of course there are no guarantees, they are all HIS relatives, not mine, and they are all busy with their own lives and families. My husband is not an especially social person, and I do sometimes feel a little isolated. I don't drive much, although there is a bus line right outside of our building. I only have a few friends in the area that I would feel comfortable asking for help, and none of them live very close by.

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I am an only child raised in a community of adults in rural NorCal. I didn't grow up w neighbor kids, spent a lot of time alone in the country. I did grow up and get married, have two daughters and sons-in-law, one grandchild. My husband's work had him traveling months of each year, so I was a virtual single parent. Last fall he had a heart attack and I remember thinking "this is it, I'm going to be a widow." But he has recovered, leaving me anxiously watching his every symptom. I know I can be alone, I just don't enjoy the anticipation of the possibility. Thank you for exploring being alone.

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I'm celebrating my 50th wedding anniversary this month. My husband and I decided not to have children. More accurately, I decided not to have children. He has a daughter from a previous marriage who lives on the other side of the country. My mother warned me about not having children because I'd have noone to take care of me in my declining years. But it that really a reason to have children? My husband is ten years older than I am. I had a physical yesterday and the doctor said based on stats, I'll make it 100. If that's true, I'm definitely going to be alone. And in most likely long before I reach 100, assuming I make it. I've been giving this "alone" subject a lot of thought of late. I imagine my surviving female friends and I will help each other best we can. But I've never regretted my decision not to have children and am prepared to take responsibility for all the consequences that flow from that decision.

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I’m 49 and Ive been on my own for 14 years. I never imagined my life would be like this. My ex husband and I split following tragedy of two stillborn babies which changed our relationship profoundly. I always thought I’d meet someone but I think I get fussier as I get older and still feel the loss of it all. I appreciate this post, thank you for sharing 💛

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Kate, I'm so sorry about your babies. I hope we can help in some small way.

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Hi Kate, may I offer...I don't think it's being 'fussier'...perhaps you're being more careful with who you share your heart and precious time with. For me, it's not just restrictions on my time—due to caregiving that makes me cautious. I trust my instincts, and right/wrongly, these days, sensitised by pain those instincts sway me more to curating high-quality alone time than pursuing new connections...does that resonate?

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Yes I totally agree, it wasn’t a good word to use but feel the same 🙏🏻

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Married at the age of 38, now 42 to a same age partner. Both of us have had health issues and it can be scary. Has made me realize we just don’t know the future at all and there is so much we can’t control.

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I'm not alone currently, but spent a big part of my late 20s and 30s living alone. My current partner is older, so I do find myself bracing for being alone again in my older years. And struggle to picture what this will look like without kids, or any extended family on my side of the world. I want to believe that it's absolutely possible to be that strong, independent older women should life demand that of me. I love finding older role models paving the way and living less conventional lives ❤️

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This sure struck a chord. I’ve lived alone for 35 years. Sure it’s frustrating and even hard at times but I’ve learnt to embrace the freedom. Lots of friends sure helps too. 😊

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I have never felt very afraid of being alone and this past year, when my husband decided to move to another state to help care for his parents, I liked living by myself again. My children were away at school, it was just me and the cat alone in the house for months. I loved it. I had popcorn and wine for dinner many nights, made a huge mess out in the living room with a craft project, wrote and meditated whenever I felt like it. But then there came a point, maybe six months in, where I realized that if this was it--if no one was coming to visit in a few weeks, or if I was immobilized, or it was hard for me to walk down the street to the coffee shop--how relentless that might feel. It was the first time I really thought about how the days might stretch out or feel different if I was alone all the time. I guess I'm not scared of it, but I do have a deeper awareness of how your thinking can get warped if you feel isolated. But I think there's a big difference between being alone and feeling isolated, don't you? In any case, after that I started calling relatives who live alone more often, just to be sure they know I'm thinking of them.

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Rebecca, thank you for sharing this. I identify with everything you say. My husband used to go out of town on business, and I loved my time to make messes and do whatever I wanted, but I always knew he was coming back. I think you can feel isolated and lonely one minute and happily free the next. It's not all one thing.

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Yes, that's true--or at least that's always been my experience--that the best way out of a hard feeling is through it, so you can transform it into the next.

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I am married to someone who is 15 years older, and so the odds are high that I will be alone at some point. (Then again, his father married a woman 30 years younger who ended up predeceasing him, so you never know.) I didn't marry until I was 35, so I had a long enjoyable stretch of adulthood alone. I don't mind eating alone (including in restaurants), or traveling alone, even though at this point I prefer my husband's company. We have independent interests as well as shared interests, and we have fun together; I can't imagine finding a better love and partner. Strictly practically speaking, it was also good to have someone around for COVID lockdown, and to share the burden of life's administrative and medical tasks. My fears of aging alone revolve around the simple ability to take care of myself. Life is just so full of chores! I have no children--don't expect my stepchild to be my caregiver--and I am at a high risk for vision loss. I have an older widowed relative in one of those places where you can rent an independent-living unit but upgrade to assisted living or nursing-home care as necessary, and that seems like a good option if we can afford it, but it would involve significant downsizing from our current situation. This is a decision I expect us to have to make in 8-10 years, but of course an accident or illness can always accelerate that unexpectedly.

I used to have a good strong network of close friends. But weirdly, at midlife I started losing them. It was so bizarre! I expected to have friends die when I was in, say, my 80s, but not when I was in my 40s and 50s! I lost 3 friends to cancer, one to a heart attack, one to injuries resulting from a car accident. Another has a chronic illness that has resulted in her withdrawing. I am trying to engage in new friendships, but that takes time.

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Hi Jenn. Life is full of chores, and I can't catch up. One of those senior residents may be in our future, but not yet, so let's enjoy the lives we have. I am so sorry for your many losses. Thanks for your comment.

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Thank you, and I meant to offer condolences for the loss of your husband. My sincerest sympathies.

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I am a woman in my seventies who knew early on I did not want children. When people console me about that I assure them I am child-free not childless. I have been married twice, once when I was a junior in college to someone 7 years older but way more immature then I. We divorced when I was 29. I then met the man who helped me become the person I am today, independent, confident and a loyal friend. He was 25 yrs my senior and we shared 41 wonderful years together including almost 2 dozen trips to France which is my favorite place in the world. I am definitely French by heart. I lost him 6 years ago but would not do anything differently. I now have limited financial resources but feel rich in everything that matters. I go out to eat often alone.....feel no shame in it. I'm definitely a foodie and remember lots of Michelin meals in France. Happiness is choice. I don't wish to remarry but enjoy going to movies and the occasional dinner with my male friends

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