I think about this a lot. Married 43 years and both of us in good health so far. Neighbors down the street are only 5 years older and fighting a host of debilitating conditions. We have no kids and we live in a rural area. My husband is from Ireland so we are toying with the idea of moving back—healthcare won’t bankrupt us and we could much more easily travel (west coast small town = giant hassle getting anywhere by plane). I just don’t want to leave, ever. We built this house. After dealing with tiny kitchens and ugly buildings, we built this one to our specifications. I look at mountains every morning. I can take a 5-mile walk in the woods and never encounter another human. I love every bit of it. I just can’t face leaving.
Ellen, my parents were similar, though lived in France. They loved their olf farmhouse, which they had totally renovated, and their garden, created from scratch. Also their rhythm of life, wandering to the boulangerie in the village for their fresh croissants, eating outside under the grapevine for every meal in the summer.
But they were pragmatic also. When they were still able, (in their late seventies) they moved back to England to be near my sister. Thank goodness they did. My dad had a stroke, lived a year at home, with double incontinence and not able to speak. My mum looked after him with the help of carers, but only until she was diagnosed with motor neurone syndrome.
The message from them that I have received is - move to a much more conducive place for later life living when you physically can. Don't wait!
Ellen, I am in the same situation. Several acres of very private scenic bliss overlooking a pond. Although we didn't build the house ourselves, it feels like it was built to our very own specifications.
But it is 9 kms from the nearest town and winters are hard and isolating. A long winding driveway that requires snowplowing in the winter, plus a few acres of grass that require mowing in the summer - and our damn John Deere tractor keeps breaking down.
Our healthcare costs are minimal here in Canada but we can't afford the thousands of dollars per month it would cost for someone else to maintain the property.
I want to move to a home in the nearest town, but the thought of preparing this home for sale keeps me awake at night.
I’m 75 living with my dear “amiable companion “ in his house. We met in 2019. I have always been single, he was widowed in 2016. I have no idea what the future brings but my life has been an adventure. I will look at the future as the next adventure. It was a Divine miracle I ended up here with a great guy. I’m envisioning miracles ahead and believing in them as my whole life has been pretty simple, no great wealth or anything just trust in life being for me, not against me.
I am 79, I plan to live in this house as long as I am physically and mentally able. My motivation for exercise and eating well is to live independently and be able to leave this home to our grandson to pay for his college. If the universe has other plans, I will just have to adapt. We are doing okay so far (my husband is 85) but who knows the future? Life is random and everything happens for no reason.
Thanks for writing about this. It's something most of us are thinking about, but not talking about very much. My husband and I separated this past summer. We did an estate sale - a really heartbreaking event, so much family history and a ton of memories walking out the door - then we sold the house. I moved into an apartment with the 2 cats and he moved back home with his family. I can't travel because of my health and all my family is far away. I couldn't live with them if I wanted to - too many differences. I don't have a social network here, but at the least the property manager of this complex has my emergency information in case something happens. I don't know how long I can do this. I'm still trying to recover from the separation and the move. I hope I can get to a place where I feel "at home" in this apartment, but even if I don't, I will be working hard to stay functional and feel better so I don't have to go into one of "those" places. I don't know about you, but that's the last place I want to be.
Especially the ones where you have your own apartment and a small kitchen.
The ones where you start independent and then can move to a nursing wing or a memory care section set you up to socialize as much as you want or not.
Not all of them are the Snake Pit.
The advice I give everyone is start visiting places long before you need them. Don't commit to ANYTHING but check out as many as you can and get a feel for what you are comfortable with and what's a deal breaker.
You don't want to break a hip and get stuck in the first place that has a bed.
I'm going to stay here as long as I can. I'm in good health and I know my neighbors well. (Not all cities are unfriendly 😉) I expect 10-20 years unless there's a health crisis. (I'm basing that on my aunts who were on their own until their 80s.)
But the nieces already know I expect to go into assisted living if need be and my sister has my medical POA. Worst come to worst, we have a plan.
I've already done that, at least here, where I live now. I can't afford any of them. I plan to apply for senior housing as soon as I'm down to one pet, but that's still independent living. Anything with graduated care is way out of my price range.
Well I keep thinking I need to move back down south - things are more affordable there in some places. But I just moved into a smaller space last summer and I can't stomach the thought right now of moving again. My elderly cats probably wouldn't survive it very well either. So, I'll just have see how things play out over the next year or two.
Only because I know people who have done that, make sure you check out the medical infrastructure -- the doctors, the clinics, the rehab and hospitals where you might move to.
Small towns near universities are your best bets.
You don't want to move somewhere and find out the nearest hospital is two hours away. Not when you're getting older.
My friend flies back up to DC for her doctors. But in an emergency, she would be screwed.
My hope is we come through this with better solutions.
You're so right. Where I live on the Oregon coast, the local hospitals can only handle minor problems. For anything serious, people have to drive over an hour to Corvallis or three hours to Portland. Something to consider.
So glad you have some pets to comfort you during this transition, remember if you can walk in a garden and let the sunlight warm your heart- Grace is there in all forms from the birds to the blooming flowers to our magnificent trees. I’m sharing this because I have been comforted by the strength of trees that withstand so much -they can’t run away but they can reach for the sun and sway with the wind. I’ve been inspired on bad days when I mourned the loss of my sweet Irish mother and throughout my life.
I know at 79 I plan to live at least another ten years in this small house I bought two years ago. I have a large garage and the family across the street keeps their raft and bicycles in part of it. They would watch out for me anyway but I feel comfortabl asking for small favors. My house is a 1921 Craftsman and needed lots of repairs when I bought it. I make every repair decision with safety and long-term ease of living in mind. I do yoga and meet two friends at the gym three times a week. I do have two kids in Portland but it’s my neighbors who are my first line of defense. The ones across the street and those to my left. I will move if I get a diagnosis of a disease like Parkinson’s where I would need care. Until then I plan to
Live here with my dog and cat. I make sure to take time to visit with my neighbors. Lots more than at other times in my life. My dog and cat are wonderful companions. If I don’t read too much news “im good.”
Thank you for writing this. I am married but have selected to not have any children. And although I am still only in my 40's. I do often contempate the the future and how it will be for us later in life. Your piece has really got me thinking about the importance of community and making that effort to truly have a conversation and check in with neighbours and create that vital network. Not just for our elders, but for us all.
Bianca, I wrote a chapter about this in my book Before I Go: The Essential Guide to Creating a Good End of Life Plan. It's still widely available, though some of the links no longer work due to the company I founded closing down after a new owner took it on.
I appreciate this post so much; it takes me back to my own experience with my parents and mom finally accepting that it was time to move into assisted living after my dad had passed several years earlier. It was not easy, packing and purging and preparing the house for sale. I'm so grateful for all the help we received. This is a great reminder to stop and notice one another and to sit for a spell and listen.
Brilliant Sue. Related to it, exactly. Except (unfortunately) I don’t live in such a beautiful sounding spot like you. But all of the rest of it. I’ve just moved and, although I’ve moved many times in my life, this move was way the most difficult. Like you I keep moving, walking the dog even though I have some disability . To keep the old bones moving is important. I fully understand your neighbour’s decision and know that will end up being me. Maybe in the States you are more of a chatty, neighbourly folk. Not so much in the UK nowadays. The families stick together I find. Folk on their own, like me, can be viewed as ‘odd’. Mind you, they may well be right! Lots of love T xx
I have friends who have moved into an independent-living unit in a senior community, with the ability to move into assisted living should they need it. And they love it. They love no longer having to maintain their former house.
My grandmother was in a senior apartment for years, and it was a beautiful place where she seemed pretty happy. I have another relative in a similar place now, and though she would rather have her own place, she could never maintain it in her current state of health, and where she is is a very nice place. She can even have her pet dog with her.
What I have seen of these places makes me think of them as a viable option for myself, especially as our current home becomes more difficult to maintain.
I am 82 years old, in good health, live life, am active in my community. Went to university for masters of psychology degree and now have a grief coaching practice. I recently adopted a blind cat. We are doing well together
It sounded so much like my mom and stepfather who were elderly in a big house out of state where my mom lived since 1983. They married in 1987. They couldn't manage it anymore and mom had mobility issues so they moved in with me 4 years ago. It was hard mostly for my mom. She loved her home, it was beautiful. I became her full-time caregiver the last 2 years of her life. I would never let her go to a nursing home. She was frail and wouldn't have lasted a month in one of those places. She died last year; my stepfather died less than 6 months later. I'm retired, alone, no children and think about myself--a retired nurse with some health issues but I have to maintain and do the best I can.
It becomes a big issue when elderly people leave it too late to leave home, or refuse to do so. I have seen my relatives in a remote village in Scotland struggling, and their children finding it increasingly difficult to help them. I am in my 60s and I have learnt my lesson. I am moving to a house that will suit me even if I end up in a wheelchair. I can make my new home lovely while I still have the energy. But it is also close to an excellent nursing home, so I won’t miss friends if I have to move in.
My husband and I have lived in our home for 55 years. Our neighbors on both sides have been in their homes for 52 and 35 years. A very established nice, friendly and convenient community. We are 86;and 89. Some physical problems but not interfering with daily life. Like others we have customized our house to our tastes. The hardest reality is that within about 2 years we will likely move to a retirement community. It will be the saddest time when we sell our house and most everything in it and move to a much smaller space. But we are realistic about the future and will make the transition as gracefully as possible. Excellent article.
Hi, Sue. I just found this now and it’s very timely since my sisters and I just moved our 93 year-old mom two days ago into an assisted living home. Our dad has been in their nursing/rehab branch for over a month now, essentially bedridden, and we were happy to get a room for her. Her room is large enough to make a mini version of her home and, despite extreme reluctance and downright misery, she seems to be settling in already. We are amazed that that ‘battle’ seems over. Now there’s just the 5-bedroom house full of 65 years worth of living in to tackle.
Personally, I’ve relocated across the Atlantic three times and since I know we’ll be downsizing ourselves in 5 years, I’ve already started preparing for the next phase. It’s great that I’m enjoying the purging process already.
I love this. I’m 60, divorced, and have lived alone for 5 years now since my kids all moved out. Been in this home for 25 years and I’m not leaving any time soon. I’ve basically already gutted it (aka Swedish Death Cleanse) and adopted a minimalist lifestyle but with nice creature comforts. And 2 furnished guestrooms. It’s in a low-medium cost of living area, walkability neighborhood with everything I need including a major hospital 2 blocks away, my church 2 mile round trip walk, and I have big yards and gardens I care for. My kids and grandbabies all live within 10 minutes. I’m retiring at 65 and spending the next few years until then readying it for those years and getting some safety features installed (front steps handrails, etc).
I’m really physically active and health conscious and the women in my family lived into late 90’s. So I’m thinking like that. Of course life has its own plans but it does help to have a mental resolve on how you want things to be.
I think about this a lot. Married 43 years and both of us in good health so far. Neighbors down the street are only 5 years older and fighting a host of debilitating conditions. We have no kids and we live in a rural area. My husband is from Ireland so we are toying with the idea of moving back—healthcare won’t bankrupt us and we could much more easily travel (west coast small town = giant hassle getting anywhere by plane). I just don’t want to leave, ever. We built this house. After dealing with tiny kitchens and ugly buildings, we built this one to our specifications. I look at mountains every morning. I can take a 5-mile walk in the woods and never encounter another human. I love every bit of it. I just can’t face leaving.
Ellen, my parents were similar, though lived in France. They loved their olf farmhouse, which they had totally renovated, and their garden, created from scratch. Also their rhythm of life, wandering to the boulangerie in the village for their fresh croissants, eating outside under the grapevine for every meal in the summer.
But they were pragmatic also. When they were still able, (in their late seventies) they moved back to England to be near my sister. Thank goodness they did. My dad had a stroke, lived a year at home, with double incontinence and not able to speak. My mum looked after him with the help of carers, but only until she was diagnosed with motor neurone syndrome.
The message from them that I have received is - move to a much more conducive place for later life living when you physically can. Don't wait!
Ellen, I am in the same situation. Several acres of very private scenic bliss overlooking a pond. Although we didn't build the house ourselves, it feels like it was built to our very own specifications.
But it is 9 kms from the nearest town and winters are hard and isolating. A long winding driveway that requires snowplowing in the winter, plus a few acres of grass that require mowing in the summer - and our damn John Deere tractor keeps breaking down.
Our healthcare costs are minimal here in Canada but we can't afford the thousands of dollars per month it would cost for someone else to maintain the property.
I want to move to a home in the nearest town, but the thought of preparing this home for sale keeps me awake at night.
You are definitely not alone in worrying about this.
I’m 75 living with my dear “amiable companion “ in his house. We met in 2019. I have always been single, he was widowed in 2016. I have no idea what the future brings but my life has been an adventure. I will look at the future as the next adventure. It was a Divine miracle I ended up here with a great guy. I’m envisioning miracles ahead and believing in them as my whole life has been pretty simple, no great wealth or anything just trust in life being for me, not against me.
I'm so glad you ended up with your great guy. You're right. The future is an adventure because we don't know what will happen.
I am 79, I plan to live in this house as long as I am physically and mentally able. My motivation for exercise and eating well is to live independently and be able to leave this home to our grandson to pay for his college. If the universe has other plans, I will just have to adapt. We are doing okay so far (my husband is 85) but who knows the future? Life is random and everything happens for no reason.
I love that last line. Life is indeed so unpredictable and puzzling.
Thanks for writing about this. It's something most of us are thinking about, but not talking about very much. My husband and I separated this past summer. We did an estate sale - a really heartbreaking event, so much family history and a ton of memories walking out the door - then we sold the house. I moved into an apartment with the 2 cats and he moved back home with his family. I can't travel because of my health and all my family is far away. I couldn't live with them if I wanted to - too many differences. I don't have a social network here, but at the least the property manager of this complex has my emergency information in case something happens. I don't know how long I can do this. I'm still trying to recover from the separation and the move. I hope I can get to a place where I feel "at home" in this apartment, but even if I don't, I will be working hard to stay functional and feel better so I don't have to go into one of "those" places. I don't know about you, but that's the last place I want to be.
Nobody wants to be in those places. I am so sorry you’re going through all this.
Visit some of them.
Especially the ones where you have your own apartment and a small kitchen.
The ones where you start independent and then can move to a nursing wing or a memory care section set you up to socialize as much as you want or not.
Not all of them are the Snake Pit.
The advice I give everyone is start visiting places long before you need them. Don't commit to ANYTHING but check out as many as you can and get a feel for what you are comfortable with and what's a deal breaker.
You don't want to break a hip and get stuck in the first place that has a bed.
I'm going to stay here as long as I can. I'm in good health and I know my neighbors well. (Not all cities are unfriendly 😉) I expect 10-20 years unless there's a health crisis. (I'm basing that on my aunts who were on their own until their 80s.)
But the nieces already know I expect to go into assisted living if need be and my sister has my medical POA. Worst come to worst, we have a plan.
Just visit them.
I've already done that, at least here, where I live now. I can't afford any of them. I plan to apply for senior housing as soon as I'm down to one pet, but that's still independent living. Anything with graduated care is way out of my price range.
I'm sorry.
We've got a couple of religious homes which were more affordable the last time I looked.
Well I keep thinking I need to move back down south - things are more affordable there in some places. But I just moved into a smaller space last summer and I can't stomach the thought right now of moving again. My elderly cats probably wouldn't survive it very well either. So, I'll just have see how things play out over the next year or two.
Only because I know people who have done that, make sure you check out the medical infrastructure -- the doctors, the clinics, the rehab and hospitals where you might move to.
Small towns near universities are your best bets.
You don't want to move somewhere and find out the nearest hospital is two hours away. Not when you're getting older.
My friend flies back up to DC for her doctors. But in an emergency, she would be screwed.
My hope is we come through this with better solutions.
You're so right. Where I live on the Oregon coast, the local hospitals can only handle minor problems. For anything serious, people have to drive over an hour to Corvallis or three hours to Portland. Something to consider.
So glad you have some pets to comfort you during this transition, remember if you can walk in a garden and let the sunlight warm your heart- Grace is there in all forms from the birds to the blooming flowers to our magnificent trees. I’m sharing this because I have been comforted by the strength of trees that withstand so much -they can’t run away but they can reach for the sun and sway with the wind. I’ve been inspired on bad days when I mourned the loss of my sweet Irish mother and throughout my life.
Sending you hugs and hope for new blessings ✨
Thank you so much Anne. :)
I know at 79 I plan to live at least another ten years in this small house I bought two years ago. I have a large garage and the family across the street keeps their raft and bicycles in part of it. They would watch out for me anyway but I feel comfortabl asking for small favors. My house is a 1921 Craftsman and needed lots of repairs when I bought it. I make every repair decision with safety and long-term ease of living in mind. I do yoga and meet two friends at the gym three times a week. I do have two kids in Portland but it’s my neighbors who are my first line of defense. The ones across the street and those to my left. I will move if I get a diagnosis of a disease like Parkinson’s where I would need care. Until then I plan to
Live here with my dog and cat. I make sure to take time to visit with my neighbors. Lots more than at other times in my life. My dog and cat are wonderful companions. If I don’t read too much news “im good.”
Thank you for writing this. I am married but have selected to not have any children. And although I am still only in my 40's. I do often contempate the the future and how it will be for us later in life. Your piece has really got me thinking about the importance of community and making that effort to truly have a conversation and check in with neighbours and create that vital network. Not just for our elders, but for us all.
Bianca, I wrote a chapter about this in my book Before I Go: The Essential Guide to Creating a Good End of Life Plan. It's still widely available, though some of the links no longer work due to the company I founded closing down after a new owner took it on.
I appreciate this post so much; it takes me back to my own experience with my parents and mom finally accepting that it was time to move into assisted living after my dad had passed several years earlier. It was not easy, packing and purging and preparing the house for sale. I'm so grateful for all the help we received. This is a great reminder to stop and notice one another and to sit for a spell and listen.
Brilliant Sue. Related to it, exactly. Except (unfortunately) I don’t live in such a beautiful sounding spot like you. But all of the rest of it. I’ve just moved and, although I’ve moved many times in my life, this move was way the most difficult. Like you I keep moving, walking the dog even though I have some disability . To keep the old bones moving is important. I fully understand your neighbour’s decision and know that will end up being me. Maybe in the States you are more of a chatty, neighbourly folk. Not so much in the UK nowadays. The families stick together I find. Folk on their own, like me, can be viewed as ‘odd’. Mind you, they may well be right! Lots of love T xx
We are chatty out here in the boonies, not so much in the cities. Keep those bones moving. Xx
I have friends who have moved into an independent-living unit in a senior community, with the ability to move into assisted living should they need it. And they love it. They love no longer having to maintain their former house.
My grandmother was in a senior apartment for years, and it was a beautiful place where she seemed pretty happy. I have another relative in a similar place now, and though she would rather have her own place, she could never maintain it in her current state of health, and where she is is a very nice place. She can even have her pet dog with her.
What I have seen of these places makes me think of them as a viable option for myself, especially as our current home becomes more difficult to maintain.
Thanks for this.
When I consider the situation, I take solace in being firm with myself to make the move before the choice is made for me.
Well, that's the plan, at least.
I am 82 years old, in good health, live life, am active in my community. Went to university for masters of psychology degree and now have a grief coaching practice. I recently adopted a blind cat. We are doing well together
It sounded so much like my mom and stepfather who were elderly in a big house out of state where my mom lived since 1983. They married in 1987. They couldn't manage it anymore and mom had mobility issues so they moved in with me 4 years ago. It was hard mostly for my mom. She loved her home, it was beautiful. I became her full-time caregiver the last 2 years of her life. I would never let her go to a nursing home. She was frail and wouldn't have lasted a month in one of those places. She died last year; my stepfather died less than 6 months later. I'm retired, alone, no children and think about myself--a retired nurse with some health issues but I have to maintain and do the best I can.
It becomes a big issue when elderly people leave it too late to leave home, or refuse to do so. I have seen my relatives in a remote village in Scotland struggling, and their children finding it increasingly difficult to help them. I am in my 60s and I have learnt my lesson. I am moving to a house that will suit me even if I end up in a wheelchair. I can make my new home lovely while I still have the energy. But it is also close to an excellent nursing home, so I won’t miss friends if I have to move in.
This is such an interesting and important question, Sue.
My husband and I have lived in our home for 55 years. Our neighbors on both sides have been in their homes for 52 and 35 years. A very established nice, friendly and convenient community. We are 86;and 89. Some physical problems but not interfering with daily life. Like others we have customized our house to our tastes. The hardest reality is that within about 2 years we will likely move to a retirement community. It will be the saddest time when we sell our house and most everything in it and move to a much smaller space. But we are realistic about the future and will make the transition as gracefully as possible. Excellent article.
Hi, Sue. I just found this now and it’s very timely since my sisters and I just moved our 93 year-old mom two days ago into an assisted living home. Our dad has been in their nursing/rehab branch for over a month now, essentially bedridden, and we were happy to get a room for her. Her room is large enough to make a mini version of her home and, despite extreme reluctance and downright misery, she seems to be settling in already. We are amazed that that ‘battle’ seems over. Now there’s just the 5-bedroom house full of 65 years worth of living in to tackle.
Personally, I’ve relocated across the Atlantic three times and since I know we’ll be downsizing ourselves in 5 years, I’ve already started preparing for the next phase. It’s great that I’m enjoying the purging process already.
I love this. I’m 60, divorced, and have lived alone for 5 years now since my kids all moved out. Been in this home for 25 years and I’m not leaving any time soon. I’ve basically already gutted it (aka Swedish Death Cleanse) and adopted a minimalist lifestyle but with nice creature comforts. And 2 furnished guestrooms. It’s in a low-medium cost of living area, walkability neighborhood with everything I need including a major hospital 2 blocks away, my church 2 mile round trip walk, and I have big yards and gardens I care for. My kids and grandbabies all live within 10 minutes. I’m retiring at 65 and spending the next few years until then readying it for those years and getting some safety features installed (front steps handrails, etc).
I’m really physically active and health conscious and the women in my family lived into late 90’s. So I’m thinking like that. Of course life has its own plans but it does help to have a mental resolve on how you want things to be.