I admire your candor. And also, just today I was considering the fact that no man has ever paid my rent,and that is something i'm proud of. I'm 61. I'm single. I have my own modest apartment which, while fortunately rent-controlled and below market, still costs about 75% of my monthly income. I have a large network of friends, some of whom are comfortable and routinely step forward to buy me lunch or help pay for my dental bill or my new glasses. How do I survive, and where does my faith lie? #1, in my friend network, to whom I contribute in every way I can. And #2, live small. I have never had a child or a car or a mortgage. I live simply but well, so my needs are few. Faith, friends, and living small -- that's my working hypothesis.
Yes, you're right. There's so much history that doesn't fit in a single post. Thank you. Have you read Donna Ward's book She I Dare Not Name: A Spinster's Meditations on Life? So, so good.
I have gotten chronically ill since being married and the idea of being alone is something that makes me nervous. Not just financially but also physically when I’m bad. If I was suddenly alone, I’d have to cut back on a lot and we don’t live a particularly frivolous life. But his job is the secure one with a consistent income every month whereas mine isn’t, I spend a few months a year unemployed. Not to mention with my ill health I regularly have to take time off and my job becomes unstable as most employees don’t like you taking sick leave.
Although thankfully women have a lot more freedom financially I think there are many ways in which sexism still makes it hard.
Women are more like to suffer from chronic illness but the research is almost solely done on men. Men’s chronic health conditions are usually related to poor lifestyle choices, and are more likely to die earlier. Which leaves their partner defending for themself.
The wage gap is present everywhere.
Women are still expected to take the time off for the children, albeit laws seem to improving in this aspect in Europe, which is a loss of earnings.
If you’re unfortunate enough to suffer infertility, the treatment is incredibly taxing for the woman and they require more time off for appointments. Again an area in which some companies are accounting for, but the number is low and fundamentally women use holiday, unpaid leave or sick leave. The latter two another way in which women are losing income.
Let’s not even get into emotional tax and the responsibility sharing (or not) at home. Which takes a toll on women.
Your writing has promoted more thought again in this area. I think I’ve gone on a bit of a feminist rant but it’s something that does need to be discussed!
Oh Sheila, we could write a whole book on the inequalities that women face and the reasons so many end up, through no fault of their own, at 60 or 70 or 80 with no money. This society has no provision for those who are chronically ill, and it's criminal.
Absolutely think there’s a whole book about it! So much to discuss.
Society is built by the able bodied, I’m lucky to be able to swing into able bodied on good days/periods. But being ill has given me a whole different view of the world and it’s very humbling.
This post gave me a lot to think about. I have never married and have no kids. I am retired now and live with my brother, which provides a lot more physical comfort than I would be able to afford on my own. I worry about who will be there for me if I have health problems but I feel very lucky compared to some of my older friends, and having kids is no guarantee of care in later life. I love the idea of there being a community of older women who can help each other but is that just a fantasy?
It's really validating to have someone write about a different experience. I wouldn't be able to afford a place on my own without my parents. In my adult life, I've never struggled to pay rent - but now I do. A single bedroom is renting for 2500-2600 where I live. If I move, I leave my parents and my social support. When they go, I don't know what I'll do. The pressure I've been putting on myself to get a career is real but it's not an immediate fix. I hope I can secure a better paying job with benefits but nothing in life is guaranteed. None of my coupled friends experience this, they all have it slightly easier, but life can change so fast. No one talks about it but being single in a pronatalist and pro-family country is really hard. It can be really hard to not judge myself for past decisions too. I know I'm not alone, but it really does feel like it in my town. Reading your honest words felt like a warm, calming balm to my soul. We are (all) in it together.
Alanna, I'm glad my post helped you. It really is hard to survive alone. I'm extremely grateful that I was able to earn my bachelor's degree in journalism before I entered a marriage that didn't last. I don't know what I would have done to survive otherwise. Even with a degree, there are no guarantees.
My rare medication condition hit me 4+ years ago, and I have had to scale back my counseling practice to almost nothing since I am not driving and cannot be upright for more than 30 minutes. Even tho Medicare is excellent coverage, it is still expensive. I’ve had to fly out of state 8 times so far for urgently needed medical care. I bought this condo with my aging future in mind, and I pray that I can remain here.
Thanks Sue. It’s been an “interesting” few years. I’ve had family members go with me for the surgeries and procedures (it’s required). They’ve given me so much of their time and love, flying from all over to meet me where the surgeries happen. It’s been a blessing, and? It’s becoming exhausting to them as well.
This was a very good and thoughtful post, Sue. Thank you. It got me thinking about stories I've read about older people sharing houses/apartments -- being roommates or house mates. I've always had a fantasy about sharing a place with the three or four important women in my life -- making a community of it. The older we all get, though, the sicker some of us are or there are other issues -- like partners who are still with us. By the time we are all in the state when this might be feasible, we might be too old, or too many of us gone to make it happen.
It got me thinking about my other fantasty, too: pooling money to buy a mult-unit place or house and sharing with a group of people age 30s to 80s - or an even greater spread. I'd like to watch children grow up, be around to help and have connections that would be helpful to me because we've formed relationships. I have no idea how I'd even get started. Did you ever think about things like this?
I do think about this. It sounds great to me. It also reminds me of when extended families used to live near each other and could naturally be around to help each other.
I used to read about things called "intentional communities" but lost track. I may go look it all up again. Seems like they all needed a certain amount of money to get it going.
This isn't new. It's new to you because you were lucky enough to have people supporting you all your life. Those of us who didn't have fathers or mothers or husbands have always known the pain of the cost of living alone.
While I paid my taxes from work I was paid 30-40% less than men doing the same (only less) work to pay for others' children's schools and parks, I lived like a pauper. Only society and people with support systems never cared. They still don't.
I'm glad at least you are bringing light to the problems.
I meant emotionally (since you mention going back to your parents home when your first marriage broke up and your mother) too. It's painful being poor but at least one person to turn to is nice! Cheers.
I admire your candor. And also, just today I was considering the fact that no man has ever paid my rent,and that is something i'm proud of. I'm 61. I'm single. I have my own modest apartment which, while fortunately rent-controlled and below market, still costs about 75% of my monthly income. I have a large network of friends, some of whom are comfortable and routinely step forward to buy me lunch or help pay for my dental bill or my new glasses. How do I survive, and where does my faith lie? #1, in my friend network, to whom I contribute in every way I can. And #2, live small. I have never had a child or a car or a mortgage. I live simply but well, so my needs are few. Faith, friends, and living small -- that's my working hypothesis.
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. I think "live small" is the key.
Love this post, as always you make me think! Although it is also worth mentioning the origin of the term 'spinster'!
Yes, you're right. There's so much history that doesn't fit in a single post. Thank you. Have you read Donna Ward's book She I Dare Not Name: A Spinster's Meditations on Life? So, so good.
No but I must! Thank you x
I have gotten chronically ill since being married and the idea of being alone is something that makes me nervous. Not just financially but also physically when I’m bad. If I was suddenly alone, I’d have to cut back on a lot and we don’t live a particularly frivolous life. But his job is the secure one with a consistent income every month whereas mine isn’t, I spend a few months a year unemployed. Not to mention with my ill health I regularly have to take time off and my job becomes unstable as most employees don’t like you taking sick leave.
Although thankfully women have a lot more freedom financially I think there are many ways in which sexism still makes it hard.
Women are more like to suffer from chronic illness but the research is almost solely done on men. Men’s chronic health conditions are usually related to poor lifestyle choices, and are more likely to die earlier. Which leaves their partner defending for themself.
The wage gap is present everywhere.
Women are still expected to take the time off for the children, albeit laws seem to improving in this aspect in Europe, which is a loss of earnings.
If you’re unfortunate enough to suffer infertility, the treatment is incredibly taxing for the woman and they require more time off for appointments. Again an area in which some companies are accounting for, but the number is low and fundamentally women use holiday, unpaid leave or sick leave. The latter two another way in which women are losing income.
Let’s not even get into emotional tax and the responsibility sharing (or not) at home. Which takes a toll on women.
Your writing has promoted more thought again in this area. I think I’ve gone on a bit of a feminist rant but it’s something that does need to be discussed!
Oh Sheila, we could write a whole book on the inequalities that women face and the reasons so many end up, through no fault of their own, at 60 or 70 or 80 with no money. This society has no provision for those who are chronically ill, and it's criminal.
Absolutely think there’s a whole book about it! So much to discuss.
Society is built by the able bodied, I’m lucky to be able to swing into able bodied on good days/periods. But being ill has given me a whole different view of the world and it’s very humbling.
This gave me a lot to consider with my future. I try not to think about it, but this could be me in 30+ years. Great post 😊
Thank you, Lily.
This post gave me a lot to think about. I have never married and have no kids. I am retired now and live with my brother, which provides a lot more physical comfort than I would be able to afford on my own. I worry about who will be there for me if I have health problems but I feel very lucky compared to some of my older friends, and having kids is no guarantee of care in later life. I love the idea of there being a community of older women who can help each other but is that just a fantasy?
I hope it's not a fantasy, Jennifer, because I want that community of older women helping each other. Where I live, I think it's happening.
I have thought about living with my brother. I'm not sure it would be comfortable, but it is an option.
I love this idea Jennifer and who says that dreams can’t become a reality!
It's really validating to have someone write about a different experience. I wouldn't be able to afford a place on my own without my parents. In my adult life, I've never struggled to pay rent - but now I do. A single bedroom is renting for 2500-2600 where I live. If I move, I leave my parents and my social support. When they go, I don't know what I'll do. The pressure I've been putting on myself to get a career is real but it's not an immediate fix. I hope I can secure a better paying job with benefits but nothing in life is guaranteed. None of my coupled friends experience this, they all have it slightly easier, but life can change so fast. No one talks about it but being single in a pronatalist and pro-family country is really hard. It can be really hard to not judge myself for past decisions too. I know I'm not alone, but it really does feel like it in my town. Reading your honest words felt like a warm, calming balm to my soul. We are (all) in it together.
Alanna, I'm glad my post helped you. It really is hard to survive alone. I'm extremely grateful that I was able to earn my bachelor's degree in journalism before I entered a marriage that didn't last. I don't know what I would have done to survive otherwise. Even with a degree, there are no guarantees.
My rare medication condition hit me 4+ years ago, and I have had to scale back my counseling practice to almost nothing since I am not driving and cannot be upright for more than 30 minutes. Even tho Medicare is excellent coverage, it is still expensive. I’ve had to fly out of state 8 times so far for urgently needed medical care. I bought this condo with my aging future in mind, and I pray that I can remain here.
That sounds so hard, Teyani. i wish I could do something to help.
Thanks Sue. It’s been an “interesting” few years. I’ve had family members go with me for the surgeries and procedures (it’s required). They’ve given me so much of their time and love, flying from all over to meet me where the surgeries happen. It’s been a blessing, and? It’s becoming exhausting to them as well.
This was a very good and thoughtful post, Sue. Thank you. It got me thinking about stories I've read about older people sharing houses/apartments -- being roommates or house mates. I've always had a fantasy about sharing a place with the three or four important women in my life -- making a community of it. The older we all get, though, the sicker some of us are or there are other issues -- like partners who are still with us. By the time we are all in the state when this might be feasible, we might be too old, or too many of us gone to make it happen.
It got me thinking about my other fantasty, too: pooling money to buy a mult-unit place or house and sharing with a group of people age 30s to 80s - or an even greater spread. I'd like to watch children grow up, be around to help and have connections that would be helpful to me because we've formed relationships. I have no idea how I'd even get started. Did you ever think about things like this?
I do think about this. It sounds great to me. It also reminds me of when extended families used to live near each other and could naturally be around to help each other.
I used to read about things called "intentional communities" but lost track. I may go look it all up again. Seems like they all needed a certain amount of money to get it going.
This isn't new. It's new to you because you were lucky enough to have people supporting you all your life. Those of us who didn't have fathers or mothers or husbands have always known the pain of the cost of living alone.
While I paid my taxes from work I was paid 30-40% less than men doing the same (only less) work to pay for others' children's schools and parks, I lived like a pauper. Only society and people with support systems never cared. They still don't.
I'm glad at least you are bringing light to the problems.
I didn't always have someone supporting me. But your points are very valid. Women are still getting the short end of the stick.
I meant emotionally (since you mention going back to your parents home when your first marriage broke up and your mother) too. It's painful being poor but at least one person to turn to is nice! Cheers.