I did something crazy again. Totally for fun, I purchased a bigger steel tongue drum, also called a “Panda Drum,” than the one I wrote about on Oct. 28. It has twice as many notes and lots more musical possibilities. Did I need it? No. I bought it anyway.
It’s good that I live alone. I suspect other people would get tired of the ringing metallic sounds and wonder why the heck I spent $225 on this unnecessary item when the house is already full of musical instruments. My answer: It makes me happy. It gives me comfort. It gives me something to do when I don’t know what to do.
There’s a whole science of healing through sound. This is one of many articles on the subject: “Does Sound Healing Actually Work?” Consider this part of my healing.
Not everyone can afford this kind of madness. But if there’s something you can afford that would make you happy and no one else is going to buy it for you, find a way to treat yourself, even if you have to make payments for a year.
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Since my post last Tuesday about maybe not getting a dog, comments have rolled in. They range from go ahead and get a dog to foster or volunteer at the shelter to relax and take a break. I’m choosing to do the latter for the moment, but that doesn’t mean I won’t change my mind. Taking the pressure off seems to have helped my grief. Yesterday, Facebook offered a picture of Annie from the past. I was able to look at it and smile. I have finally begun to heal that deep wound of grief. I credit you, my readers and friends.
I have to admit I pretty much wept all day before and after I wrote Tuesday’s post. I continued to cry as I read the early comments. My sadness got wrapped up with other losses and frustrations. If I were able to drink, I would have gotten drunk. Instead, I baked chocolate chip cookies and trashed my diet.
One of you wrote that the grief of losing a pet can be even more intense than that of losing a parent. For me, this has been true. It sounds crazy, but a lot of it is guilt. I was responsible for Annie. I caused the end of her life by authorizing the vet to give her that fatal shot. She was the last person living with me in my house. Without her, I was completely alone.
With my parents and my husband, I did not cause their deaths. It was going to happen whether or not I was around. I still feel the pain of losing them, and I miss having them in my life, but I know I did what I could for them. It’s hard not to feel that I failed Annie. I know euthanasia was the only choice, the merciful choice, but she trusted me, and she was my family.
Being able to share with you, to speak my feelings out loud, has helped tremendously. Your stories show that I am not alone in this. You have all offered so much love and wisdom that it no longer feels like an insurmountable problem. I can adopt another dog, but I don’t have to do it until I feel ready.
And Linda Baehr, dog-mom of the delightful Sadie Sue, if/when I do bring home another dog, I will let you care for her when I travel. Thank you so much for offering a perfect solution to this dilemma.
Meanwhile, I’ll keep talking to the elk, the neighborhood dogs and cats, and the neighbors’ roosters, who crow all day long and keep me company when I’m out in the yard.
I keep saying it, but a big part of successfully living alone—and one of the hardest things to do—is reaching out to others. We must be able to say, “I need help” and then accept it when it’s offered, even if it’s not exactly what or how we wanted it.
Whew. That’s heavy. Let’s play another song on the drum.
What have you done just for yourself because it makes you happy? What’s holding you back?
I look forward to your comments.
You might want to take a look at this week’s post at the Childless by Marriage Blog. Did you know Russia has a new law making it a crime to speak favorably of a childfree life? Check it out at https://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com/ 2025/01/09/accepting-a-childless-life-should-not-be-a-crime/
How did I end up alone? My first marriage ended in divorce. My second husband died of Alzheimer’s after we had moved to the Oregon coast, far from family. I never had any kids, only dogs. Now I live by myself in a big house in the woods. You can read our story in my new memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, available now at your favorite bookseller. Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.
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