Welcome Home Sue. To me, a home is just a place you love being in. If you are into the van life and you love being in your van, then the van can be your home. There are plenty of people who don't love where they live. I think those people are in need of a home. A home doesn't have to be big or fancy or even clean and tidy. It just needs to be a place that you love and for a single person, a place where you can love yourself. A home should be a facilitator of love. And yes, I miss coming home to her. I miss all the things you said. But I am still coming home to the place I love.
For me, it’s the dogs that make it a home. Wherever my dogs are, that’s home to me. I come home and they don’t care if I’ve been gone an hour to the store, or just 3 minutes to take the rubbish bin out — they are super happy to see me. And it warms my heart.
I am getting ready to sell the house my husband and I bought over 15 years ago in Louisiana and move back to eastern Pennsylvania where we are both from. He passed 6 years ago now. This house has never felt like home. Every time I've been back to visit family in eastern PA, has felt like "home." So, this June, I'm going to move the stuff I love, put the dog, cat, his ashes and myself in the car and "head home."
Home is where my favorite things are and where I can relax and be myself. I guess I’m fairly independent because I do not want or need a pet to care for and I’m not lonely. I have kids, grandkids, friends, and family nearby and far away. I’m very good at keeping in touch with people, I stay active and go out to new places as often as I can - with friends or family or alone. I would love living in a community environment but I just haven’t found one that isn’t Assisted Living ($$$) or a Senior Center. I don’t want either of those so I’m still looking for where in the PNW I will retire in 2027.
I will. Alternatively I’m considering starting my own. It would be quite a lot of work but I am retiring soon so I am considering doing some research on it and finding out what’s possible.
As an unmarried and childfree woman this topic is particularly relevant to me, so I'll try to share my two cents. And of course this is just my personal experience, not universal at all!
Over the years, my family has had a lot of conflict, to the point where "home" was the place to run from. And I did run, for a long, long time. Things are much better now, a lot of things changed, and my home is sometimes a little empty, but it's still where all the things I care about are, where my comforts are (there's nothing like your own bathroom😁), and where I am at peace.
Then when I travel, I have social media that I love&hate, and that could never replace a real hug, but still give me the opportunity to be in touch with the people I love to share an experience, tell stories, get advices, etc.
In conclusion, it's true that my home is not perfect, but it's a place where I am happy to go back. Am I settling? Maybe, and maybe not aiming at perfection is the key to be happy :)
Happy homecoming! I agree with everyone who said a home is somewhere you feel safe enough to be yourself. Other people living there aren't strictly necessary to make a home. Some of the loneliest weeks I experienced were when my ex-husband and I still lived together, but were on separate paths in life.
My home is my sanctuary where I can rest as much as I need to without someone else's disapproval or lack of understanding. I talk to my late husband and now my late parents as well. I'm not ready for another occupant and I'm not sure I ever will be. Of course I miss my husband's physical presence, but ... . Some things can't be changed.
You don't have to explain to other people why you haven't got children. Just politely refuse and say it's a private matter, or that you don't feel the need to justify yourself.
Being a writer, you might enjoy doing Travel Diaries after you get home from a trip. Not all friends, but certainly SOME friends, will love reading those...particularly the ones who (for whatever reason) don't get to travel that often; they'll feel like they're taking a road trip from the comfort of their home.
And they'll surprise you later by mentioning "this place reminds me of the one where you had lunch that time in Miami" (or whatever)...it's like having a travel companion to share memories with after the fact!
I found this and the comments really interesting. The longer I am on my own the more this question preoccupies me. I am also in the process of getting “the family home” ready to sell - as a place it has never felt like home even though I have lived there longer than anywhere, but it was the place where I was loved and had people to love and care for, it was busy and alive; now I live there alone I find myself living in corners. I need to move for many positive reasons but learning to make somewhere home on my own is overwhelming at times..
Home is a relief. Each time I walk in the door I have escaped from the stresses faced since the last time I drove away to face my responsibilities. Caregiving at my parent's house exhaust's me and takes away everything I am. Doing for others is supposed to make humans feel good about themselves, so say some. The moment my own door opens, I have returned to myself.
This is the thing I find hardest about living alone — coming home from a trip to an empty house. I’m happy being alone a lot of the time, it’s that first few hours when it would be wonderful to have a welcome and a hug
Very interesting article! My house is my home, and my home is my house, depending on who I am talking to or what I am thinking about. My home makes me feel welcome if I am coming back from an hour visit with my sisters or a three-day Reno trip...in it, are my beloved bed, toilet and shower. It is filled with my treasures bought on many of my trips, given to me by others, inherited from loved ones or purchased with my hard-earned money and so most everything has a fond memory attached. Even when it needs some cleaning, I am at peace here. It would be a huge decision to make to move which I never plan to do but I think that you have mentioned you think about doing just that. I don't really know but I think that if you are sometimes lonely now just think about how it was when you were 28 and then magnify that feeling by not working, knowing those around you, your neighbors, stores you will need to search out and so maybe not worth moving but rather shut doors of the rooms you are not using.
It is a huge decision. I would not want to leave this community and change everything. No thanks. But I am also aware that many of my friends are in their 80s and 90s and won't be here ten years from now. So, things might be different. I could close some doors, but with my work and boxes and piles of my books (that I wrote) and my music paraphernalia, I use every room in this house. Crazy but true.
This is so important Sue, thank you as always for your candour and vulnerability. I think the day-to-day experience of living alone over the long haul is very hard for people who haven't experienced it to imagine -- you bring it to life in a way that is so relatable. I lived on my own for my 40s and early 50s, and I learned a lot about myself during that time (good and bad!) Now living with a partner again, I do wonder how I would manage a 'complex' house (I hear ya!) without my partner who understands how it all works - especially as we have such a labour shortage in Ireland that there are very few plumbers, gardeners etc, available (if one can afford them) and very few carers, home helps or even people to help with housework if I needed help as I aged (also financial considerations). As you know, I am working to build a local network of other people ageing without children so that we can support each other as we age, but it's a slow and delicate process bringing people together to get involved to that level in each other's lives BEFORE a crisis...
Welcome Home Sue. To me, a home is just a place you love being in. If you are into the van life and you love being in your van, then the van can be your home. There are plenty of people who don't love where they live. I think those people are in need of a home. A home doesn't have to be big or fancy or even clean and tidy. It just needs to be a place that you love and for a single person, a place where you can love yourself. A home should be a facilitator of love. And yes, I miss coming home to her. I miss all the things you said. But I am still coming home to the place I love.
For me, it’s the dogs that make it a home. Wherever my dogs are, that’s home to me. I come home and they don’t care if I’ve been gone an hour to the store, or just 3 minutes to take the rubbish bin out — they are super happy to see me. And it warms my heart.
I am getting ready to sell the house my husband and I bought over 15 years ago in Louisiana and move back to eastern Pennsylvania where we are both from. He passed 6 years ago now. This house has never felt like home. Every time I've been back to visit family in eastern PA, has felt like "home." So, this June, I'm going to move the stuff I love, put the dog, cat, his ashes and myself in the car and "head home."
Home is where my favorite things are and where I can relax and be myself. I guess I’m fairly independent because I do not want or need a pet to care for and I’m not lonely. I have kids, grandkids, friends, and family nearby and far away. I’m very good at keeping in touch with people, I stay active and go out to new places as often as I can - with friends or family or alone. I would love living in a community environment but I just haven’t found one that isn’t Assisted Living ($$$) or a Senior Center. I don’t want either of those so I’m still looking for where in the PNW I will retire in 2027.
When you find that place, let me know. 😊
I will. Alternatively I’m considering starting my own. It would be quite a lot of work but I am retiring soon so I am considering doing some research on it and finding out what’s possible.
As an unmarried and childfree woman this topic is particularly relevant to me, so I'll try to share my two cents. And of course this is just my personal experience, not universal at all!
Over the years, my family has had a lot of conflict, to the point where "home" was the place to run from. And I did run, for a long, long time. Things are much better now, a lot of things changed, and my home is sometimes a little empty, but it's still where all the things I care about are, where my comforts are (there's nothing like your own bathroom😁), and where I am at peace.
Then when I travel, I have social media that I love&hate, and that could never replace a real hug, but still give me the opportunity to be in touch with the people I love to share an experience, tell stories, get advices, etc.
In conclusion, it's true that my home is not perfect, but it's a place where I am happy to go back. Am I settling? Maybe, and maybe not aiming at perfection is the key to be happy :)
Happy homecoming! I agree with everyone who said a home is somewhere you feel safe enough to be yourself. Other people living there aren't strictly necessary to make a home. Some of the loneliest weeks I experienced were when my ex-husband and I still lived together, but were on separate paths in life.
My home is my sanctuary where I can rest as much as I need to without someone else's disapproval or lack of understanding. I talk to my late husband and now my late parents as well. I'm not ready for another occupant and I'm not sure I ever will be. Of course I miss my husband's physical presence, but ... . Some things can't be changed.
You don't have to explain to other people why you haven't got children. Just politely refuse and say it's a private matter, or that you don't feel the need to justify yourself.
Happy birthday 🎂 🥳 to your wonderful Substack!
Being a writer, you might enjoy doing Travel Diaries after you get home from a trip. Not all friends, but certainly SOME friends, will love reading those...particularly the ones who (for whatever reason) don't get to travel that often; they'll feel like they're taking a road trip from the comfort of their home.
And they'll surprise you later by mentioning "this place reminds me of the one where you had lunch that time in Miami" (or whatever)...it's like having a travel companion to share memories with after the fact!
I found this and the comments really interesting. The longer I am on my own the more this question preoccupies me. I am also in the process of getting “the family home” ready to sell - as a place it has never felt like home even though I have lived there longer than anywhere, but it was the place where I was loved and had people to love and care for, it was busy and alive; now I live there alone I find myself living in corners. I need to move for many positive reasons but learning to make somewhere home on my own is overwhelming at times..
You might be interested in this recent radio programme on loneliness: https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0029zdd?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile
Your post really made me think.
My home is me. It’s my heart.
Perfect.
Home is a relief. Each time I walk in the door I have escaped from the stresses faced since the last time I drove away to face my responsibilities. Caregiving at my parent's house exhaust's me and takes away everything I am. Doing for others is supposed to make humans feel good about themselves, so say some. The moment my own door opens, I have returned to myself.
Caregiving is so hard. I like what you say about home, that it's a relief and where you feel like yourself. It's the best definition I have heard.
Sue your writing pulls me in and won't let go. There's a low key persistence about it. Thank you for sharing your gift.
Thank you, Susan. It's my pleasure.
This is the thing I find hardest about living alone — coming home from a trip to an empty house. I’m happy being alone a lot of the time, it’s that first few hours when it would be wonderful to have a welcome and a hug
Yes. That's exactly how I feel. Too bad we can't hug each other.
Very interesting article! My house is my home, and my home is my house, depending on who I am talking to or what I am thinking about. My home makes me feel welcome if I am coming back from an hour visit with my sisters or a three-day Reno trip...in it, are my beloved bed, toilet and shower. It is filled with my treasures bought on many of my trips, given to me by others, inherited from loved ones or purchased with my hard-earned money and so most everything has a fond memory attached. Even when it needs some cleaning, I am at peace here. It would be a huge decision to make to move which I never plan to do but I think that you have mentioned you think about doing just that. I don't really know but I think that if you are sometimes lonely now just think about how it was when you were 28 and then magnify that feeling by not working, knowing those around you, your neighbors, stores you will need to search out and so maybe not worth moving but rather shut doors of the rooms you are not using.
It is a huge decision. I would not want to leave this community and change everything. No thanks. But I am also aware that many of my friends are in their 80s and 90s and won't be here ten years from now. So, things might be different. I could close some doors, but with my work and boxes and piles of my books (that I wrote) and my music paraphernalia, I use every room in this house. Crazy but true.
This is so important Sue, thank you as always for your candour and vulnerability. I think the day-to-day experience of living alone over the long haul is very hard for people who haven't experienced it to imagine -- you bring it to life in a way that is so relatable. I lived on my own for my 40s and early 50s, and I learned a lot about myself during that time (good and bad!) Now living with a partner again, I do wonder how I would manage a 'complex' house (I hear ya!) without my partner who understands how it all works - especially as we have such a labour shortage in Ireland that there are very few plumbers, gardeners etc, available (if one can afford them) and very few carers, home helps or even people to help with housework if I needed help as I aged (also financial considerations). As you know, I am working to build a local network of other people ageing without children so that we can support each other as we age, but it's a slow and delicate process bringing people together to get involved to that level in each other's lives BEFORE a crisis...
God bless you for making this effort. See the comment by the woman living "in the corners" of her family home because it feels so empty these days.