Oh Cynthia, thanks for sharing this. I am hearing from many kindred souls. So many feel the same way, and yet we keep it to ourselves. Some days, I'm dying to share on Facebook that I'm having a bad day, but I force myself to shut up about it. Maybe that's wrong. I'm glad we're talking about it here.
We do keep it to ourselves. But Facebook isn't a place where I would share something so personal. I feel safe in a place like this, where like minded people can share without jugement. Thank you, Sue for this discussion. ❤️
I think of everything now in terms of BP and AP; Before the Pandemic and After the Pandemic. BP, I had occasional bouts of depression throughout my life but was able to get past them with therapy. I tried medication and had such a negative reaction to the first drug I tried that I decided I would not try another.
During the pandemic (DP?) and AP, I have also taken on being the caregiver for my elderly (89 now) mother; with much assistance and support, it must be said, from my dear husband. I am not alone today, but pandemic isolation stripped all the casual acquaintances and opportunities to socialize out of my life, and caregiving severely limits my time and freedom to be with friends now as I also still work fulltime. So I've lost many friends as a result. At first their departure made me feel abandoned and angry, but now, I have a certain empathy for how difficult it is to be my friend right now because I really don't have time for very many friends.
And I find that my depression, which I call my black dog (I can't take credit for that phrase - I read it in a book somewhere and it just fit) comes to visit me more often and stays with me longer. Uncertainty is one of my triggers for depression, and of course since any sense of certainty is at best false hope and at worst just me deluding myself, I find that I've had the black dog visit me more often and stay around a lot longer these last four years.
But I am finally learning that I don't have to feed him, and when I don't feed him, he will go away and forage elsewhere for awhile.
Given that I have a 50 percent chance of ending up alone, I'm really enjoying this newsletter, Sue, and I find it very helpful as I try to plan for the several possible futures ahead of me. Looking forward to your book release as I'm sure that you'll have some helpful caregiving insights to share as well.
Thanks for sharing this. It's interesting to think about the connections between being alone, being lonely, and sliding into depression. I hear you. Sometimes, the people at the library or Target are enough company to give me a boost...and, as you say, sometimes leaving the house takes a lot of energy. Take care!
Thanks for sharing. I don't live alone, but I have in the past. Now I look forward to that hour or two in the morning before my husband gets up, my alone time. I would like to put a different spin on those living alone who have volunteers drop in to check on them. Sometimes that is the one little thing that lets someone continue to live in their home on their own terms and gives peace of mind to their friends and family who may not be able to fill that need. Good luck with your upcoming book launch.
Oh, dear Sue you just described my lifelong struggle to a T. I too, have had depression off & on my entire life, and still do. I make plans with friends and have canceled so many times, it's a wonder they haven't given up on me. Maybe it's because I have shared this with my women friends and asked for their understanding. I told them how I become a hermit when I'm depressed and to please don't think it's anything they did.
You call it the swamp, I call it The Hole.
When I'm in The Hole I still work on my hobbies, but that's it. I also write about it when I have a new observation about it. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.
My husband doesn’t fully understand it, but he tries to be empathetic and he has come to accept my need for solitude when I'm in The Hole. But one time he said, "Are you in another pity party?" I have since explained to him that depression IS NOT A PITY PARTY. Some people can't regulate their own insulin and some people can't regulate their own serotonin. Would you ask a diabetic to snap out of it?
Lots of people have advice, and I know all the tricks to dig myself out of The Hole, but I don't WANT to dig myself out until I'm good & ready. If I allow myself to hang out with it, I pull out of it. That may not help others, but when I allow myself to wallow for a bit, to really feel the emptiness, I slowly look forward to feeling better. When I begin to look forward to feeling better, I become more proactive about caring for myself.
I think most of us who suffer from depression have learned what helps for them and what doesn't. I've discovered that forcing myself to be social and put on a happy face doesn't help at all.
As with you, there was depression in my family as well. When I was younger, I became suicidal at times, but I no longer do that, because I know it will pass. I take an antidepressant that works well for me, so my visits to The Hole are farther and fewer between.
Talking and writing about it is very helpful. I appreciate you sharing your experiences and it has helped me today to hear your story and share mine. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is part of the healing.
Hi Sue. Thank you for your candor. I’ve lived alone longer than I’ve lived with other people and have severe treatment resistant depression. Is it dangerous? It can be, but that largely depends on the person. And whether they are ‘self medicating’ or not. I too, always have the faintest glimmer of hope. I did lose it once, drinking my dad’s homebrew early in the morning and decided it would be better to hurt my family one big time and not a little bit each day, and swallowed a bottle of Ativan. Fortunately I made it through, and it’s then that I met my psychiatrist, who’s kept tabs on me for more than 20 years. I no longer drink or drug and my depression has been controlled by a sleeping med that doesn’t make me sleep, but keeps me on the right side of the lawn.
I appreciate you bringing it up here. It needs to have the light shine on it and people need to be open if they want to get help. It needs not to be taboo. I will tell, anyone who asks, Why yes, I have been on the psych ward. Six times. But not for over ten years now.
Living alone? It’s fine for me. In fact, when I tried to suicide, I was living with my family.
I wrote a short story about drowning in an ocean of vodka, but surfacing — going toward that small point of light at the break in the vodka. And that little light was hope. If you’re without hope, I wouldn’t recommend living alone.
My life is vastly different 21 years on and I’m so grateful that I was able to stick around for it, and it may — no, it does sound trite, but gratitude has played a big role in my healing. I hope that anyone reading this will take baby steps toward gratitude and healing. Get treatment, never stop reaching out, even when it feels painful or shameful, but make sure you’re reaching out to the right people.
It is possible to be well and enjoy life. Even if you’re spending a lot of time in The Swamp or The Hole.
I’m grateful for you, Sue, and this discussion. And I wish everyone peace in their hearts and in their minds.
This chimes with me loudly Sue. My gremlin is anxiety rather than depression, but the part that resounded most clearly was not being able to call someone at the time it's most needed. I'm working hard on being more vulnerable with the people I love because I fear that one day, when I'm alone, I won't reach out. So I'm building habits now that may serve me very well in the future.
I've read and reread this. I don't know you, and I'm not a hugger, but I want to hug you. I get it. I'm an only child, single and a loner by choice. I didn't even realize I needed people at all until I found myself in Spain for a month with kids half my age. Before cell phones or Skpe, I missed my daily interactions from home so much I cried (also, not a crier).
The depression I dealt with for years was a giant black hole, an abyss and I was holding on by my fingertips to keep from getting sucked in. If I could hang on for two or three days, I knew it would pass and I could breathe again. Getting sober made a huge difference. It turned that abyss into a a giant stone in the middle of the road, which is an improvement. My morning combo of Cymbalta and Wellbutrin moves that to the side of the road. And I regularly reach out, even if it's just FaceTime or text.
Thank you for talking about it. The problem with lonliness, depression, mental illness, sadness, aging, menopause, death - all of those things, is that we don't talk about it in a way that normalizes it. I'm allergic to cinnamon and afraid of bugs. No biggie, right? We should be able to share all the other stuff that easily. The more folks step up and say, That's Me, the better for everyone.
Thank you so much for this. I have printed it out so I can keep it in sight. We do need to talk about these things. I'm amazed at how many readers have experienced the same things that I have. It's a shame these things aren't addressed in school. If one even suggested more discussion of mental health in junior high and high school, all hell would probably break loose. Hang in there.
And, I agree that as long as you are making connections with people every few days, then you’re probably not at risk. Untreated depression can lead to suicide. And it is a total waste that some people succumb to such things. And to a permanent “solution” to a temporary problem.
And I agree with you that one of the absolute best things a person can do when they are depressed is to do something for someone else. (Return books to the library, walk a dog, bake cookies, share a pot of chili, ask to play a game of cards…) so many simple things that would only take a short amount of time will help the giver even more than they help the receiver.
Thank you for bringing up this white elephant in the room. I totally get what you're saying and the other comments chime with me as well. Looking back on my life, I've been struggling with depression, on and off, for most of it. As I'm a "highly functioning" depressed person, most people don't realise that I'm struggling on the inside. I have friends I can talk to, but as they have their own struggled to deal with I don't want to add to their load a lot of the time. Depression is something that comes over me like a dark cloud. I allow myself to feel the feelings and ride it out, the same as with bereavement. Due to chronic health issues I spent a lot of time at home. What adds to my frustration and feeling lonely is other people's lack of understanding of how much my conditions limits me and rules my life. The attitude of certain family members towards me is very disrespectful and insulting. They gaslight my feelings and it's always my fault for being too sensitive, never theirs for being tactless and rude. I feel this has been building up throughout my life. My health problems may well hsve originated in this, at least in part. Add two bereavements and lots of stress over the years, it's no wonder my body has caved in. It absolutely keeps the score. Nowadays, I no longer tolerate this kind of behaviour for the sake of keeping the family together and fight back. Sometimes, it's's better to be alone than with the wrong company. What has helped me over the years and always put me back on track is Buddhism, and especially the simplicity and profundity of Zen. The Buddha was and is the best psychologist as far as I'm concerned. The knack lies in turning loneliness into all-one-ness. Not easy, but well worth the effort.
Sue, I agree with you about Buddhism. I feel the same way. I always call myself a "sloppy Buddhist" because I still eat meat and smash a spider if it's in my house, lol! Buddhism is like the best therapist a person could have.
In my own experience, being depressed and alone is a dangerous situation. Being alone just slides me towards wanting to end it all. I daily experience anxiety and panic about my future because I have no family and no friends -- now don't start self-righteously preaching at me about "getting out there and making friends" because I am AuDHD and agoraphobic and you do not know me. Right now I'm swamped with dealing with cleaning out and selling the family home across the state, cleaning out my current home, trying to get all my meds sorted so I can function a little bit, and trying to make the phone call to an Elder Law attorney to put in place what I will need. It's just all too much. I've learned that I just can't count on anything, including the hour of my death. Every day is a gamble.
This was so helpful. I lived alone for some years and had to really work to make connections. Then there were the days I just zoned with movies and books. I was definitely lonely. We should be talking more about loneliness to dispel the shame of it.
I often feel the same way. When I told a friend, I couldn't get the courage to go to yoga, she said this is when you need to do it the most. Yes, it's hard to push ourselves when we're in the deep blues, but sometimes, it's important to do it nonetheless. I'm part of a core group of women without children, and that helps me so. I know I can always count on them. Please take care. Thank you for your insights.
If it helps at all, know that the words you share online are meaningful, that I'm thankful you are here and writing.
When I was at my lowest, the worst part was thinking things would never get better. But they did, and I am so glad I hung in there. Others have mentioned Buddhism, and the constant reminder in Buddhism that things change, that everything passes (including misery), has been helpful to me as well. But as you say, we don't have to rely on that knowledge alone. Reaching out for any tool available, any helping hand, is fair game.
Thank you for this, Sue. I live alone and I don't suffer depression. I needed to know my contentment is not shared by everyone, and what it looks like for others. What a gift to have opened this conversation for so many. (A 3" memory foam mattress topper cured my back and hip pain.) Congratulations on your book pub! Let the "fun" begin as you support it in the world. You do have a child now!
Oh Cynthia, thanks for sharing this. I am hearing from many kindred souls. So many feel the same way, and yet we keep it to ourselves. Some days, I'm dying to share on Facebook that I'm having a bad day, but I force myself to shut up about it. Maybe that's wrong. I'm glad we're talking about it here.
We do keep it to ourselves. But Facebook isn't a place where I would share something so personal. I feel safe in a place like this, where like minded people can share without jugement. Thank you, Sue for this discussion. ❤️
I think of everything now in terms of BP and AP; Before the Pandemic and After the Pandemic. BP, I had occasional bouts of depression throughout my life but was able to get past them with therapy. I tried medication and had such a negative reaction to the first drug I tried that I decided I would not try another.
During the pandemic (DP?) and AP, I have also taken on being the caregiver for my elderly (89 now) mother; with much assistance and support, it must be said, from my dear husband. I am not alone today, but pandemic isolation stripped all the casual acquaintances and opportunities to socialize out of my life, and caregiving severely limits my time and freedom to be with friends now as I also still work fulltime. So I've lost many friends as a result. At first their departure made me feel abandoned and angry, but now, I have a certain empathy for how difficult it is to be my friend right now because I really don't have time for very many friends.
And I find that my depression, which I call my black dog (I can't take credit for that phrase - I read it in a book somewhere and it just fit) comes to visit me more often and stays with me longer. Uncertainty is one of my triggers for depression, and of course since any sense of certainty is at best false hope and at worst just me deluding myself, I find that I've had the black dog visit me more often and stay around a lot longer these last four years.
But I am finally learning that I don't have to feed him, and when I don't feed him, he will go away and forage elsewhere for awhile.
Given that I have a 50 percent chance of ending up alone, I'm really enjoying this newsletter, Sue, and I find it very helpful as I try to plan for the several possible futures ahead of me. Looking forward to your book release as I'm sure that you'll have some helpful caregiving insights to share as well.
Thank you, Karen. I think the black dog came from Hemingway. I love what you say about not feeding it. Together, we will get through this.
Thanks for sharing this. It's interesting to think about the connections between being alone, being lonely, and sliding into depression. I hear you. Sometimes, the people at the library or Target are enough company to give me a boost...and, as you say, sometimes leaving the house takes a lot of energy. Take care!
Thanks for sharing. I don't live alone, but I have in the past. Now I look forward to that hour or two in the morning before my husband gets up, my alone time. I would like to put a different spin on those living alone who have volunteers drop in to check on them. Sometimes that is the one little thing that lets someone continue to live in their home on their own terms and gives peace of mind to their friends and family who may not be able to fill that need. Good luck with your upcoming book launch.
Oh, dear Sue you just described my lifelong struggle to a T. I too, have had depression off & on my entire life, and still do. I make plans with friends and have canceled so many times, it's a wonder they haven't given up on me. Maybe it's because I have shared this with my women friends and asked for their understanding. I told them how I become a hermit when I'm depressed and to please don't think it's anything they did.
You call it the swamp, I call it The Hole.
When I'm in The Hole I still work on my hobbies, but that's it. I also write about it when I have a new observation about it. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.
My husband doesn’t fully understand it, but he tries to be empathetic and he has come to accept my need for solitude when I'm in The Hole. But one time he said, "Are you in another pity party?" I have since explained to him that depression IS NOT A PITY PARTY. Some people can't regulate their own insulin and some people can't regulate their own serotonin. Would you ask a diabetic to snap out of it?
Lots of people have advice, and I know all the tricks to dig myself out of The Hole, but I don't WANT to dig myself out until I'm good & ready. If I allow myself to hang out with it, I pull out of it. That may not help others, but when I allow myself to wallow for a bit, to really feel the emptiness, I slowly look forward to feeling better. When I begin to look forward to feeling better, I become more proactive about caring for myself.
I think most of us who suffer from depression have learned what helps for them and what doesn't. I've discovered that forcing myself to be social and put on a happy face doesn't help at all.
As with you, there was depression in my family as well. When I was younger, I became suicidal at times, but I no longer do that, because I know it will pass. I take an antidepressant that works well for me, so my visits to The Hole are farther and fewer between.
Talking and writing about it is very helpful. I appreciate you sharing your experiences and it has helped me today to hear your story and share mine. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is part of the healing.
Thanks for naming this. So important and so taboo to talk about. So helpful for others to feel seen and heard ❤
Hi Sue. Thank you for your candor. I’ve lived alone longer than I’ve lived with other people and have severe treatment resistant depression. Is it dangerous? It can be, but that largely depends on the person. And whether they are ‘self medicating’ or not. I too, always have the faintest glimmer of hope. I did lose it once, drinking my dad’s homebrew early in the morning and decided it would be better to hurt my family one big time and not a little bit each day, and swallowed a bottle of Ativan. Fortunately I made it through, and it’s then that I met my psychiatrist, who’s kept tabs on me for more than 20 years. I no longer drink or drug and my depression has been controlled by a sleeping med that doesn’t make me sleep, but keeps me on the right side of the lawn.
I appreciate you bringing it up here. It needs to have the light shine on it and people need to be open if they want to get help. It needs not to be taboo. I will tell, anyone who asks, Why yes, I have been on the psych ward. Six times. But not for over ten years now.
Living alone? It’s fine for me. In fact, when I tried to suicide, I was living with my family.
I wrote a short story about drowning in an ocean of vodka, but surfacing — going toward that small point of light at the break in the vodka. And that little light was hope. If you’re without hope, I wouldn’t recommend living alone.
My life is vastly different 21 years on and I’m so grateful that I was able to stick around for it, and it may — no, it does sound trite, but gratitude has played a big role in my healing. I hope that anyone reading this will take baby steps toward gratitude and healing. Get treatment, never stop reaching out, even when it feels painful or shameful, but make sure you’re reaching out to the right people.
It is possible to be well and enjoy life. Even if you’re spending a lot of time in The Swamp or The Hole.
I’m grateful for you, Sue, and this discussion. And I wish everyone peace in their hearts and in their minds.
This chimes with me loudly Sue. My gremlin is anxiety rather than depression, but the part that resounded most clearly was not being able to call someone at the time it's most needed. I'm working hard on being more vulnerable with the people I love because I fear that one day, when I'm alone, I won't reach out. So I'm building habits now that may serve me very well in the future.
Anxiety is certainly part of it, Lisa. I'm glad you're working on reaching out.
I've read and reread this. I don't know you, and I'm not a hugger, but I want to hug you. I get it. I'm an only child, single and a loner by choice. I didn't even realize I needed people at all until I found myself in Spain for a month with kids half my age. Before cell phones or Skpe, I missed my daily interactions from home so much I cried (also, not a crier).
The depression I dealt with for years was a giant black hole, an abyss and I was holding on by my fingertips to keep from getting sucked in. If I could hang on for two or three days, I knew it would pass and I could breathe again. Getting sober made a huge difference. It turned that abyss into a a giant stone in the middle of the road, which is an improvement. My morning combo of Cymbalta and Wellbutrin moves that to the side of the road. And I regularly reach out, even if it's just FaceTime or text.
Thank you for talking about it. The problem with lonliness, depression, mental illness, sadness, aging, menopause, death - all of those things, is that we don't talk about it in a way that normalizes it. I'm allergic to cinnamon and afraid of bugs. No biggie, right? We should be able to share all the other stuff that easily. The more folks step up and say, That's Me, the better for everyone.
Thank you so much for this. I have printed it out so I can keep it in sight. We do need to talk about these things. I'm amazed at how many readers have experienced the same things that I have. It's a shame these things aren't addressed in school. If one even suggested more discussion of mental health in junior high and high school, all hell would probably break loose. Hang in there.
Excellent essay.
And, I agree that as long as you are making connections with people every few days, then you’re probably not at risk. Untreated depression can lead to suicide. And it is a total waste that some people succumb to such things. And to a permanent “solution” to a temporary problem.
And I agree with you that one of the absolute best things a person can do when they are depressed is to do something for someone else. (Return books to the library, walk a dog, bake cookies, share a pot of chili, ask to play a game of cards…) so many simple things that would only take a short amount of time will help the giver even more than they help the receiver.
Well said.
Thank you for bringing up this white elephant in the room. I totally get what you're saying and the other comments chime with me as well. Looking back on my life, I've been struggling with depression, on and off, for most of it. As I'm a "highly functioning" depressed person, most people don't realise that I'm struggling on the inside. I have friends I can talk to, but as they have their own struggled to deal with I don't want to add to their load a lot of the time. Depression is something that comes over me like a dark cloud. I allow myself to feel the feelings and ride it out, the same as with bereavement. Due to chronic health issues I spent a lot of time at home. What adds to my frustration and feeling lonely is other people's lack of understanding of how much my conditions limits me and rules my life. The attitude of certain family members towards me is very disrespectful and insulting. They gaslight my feelings and it's always my fault for being too sensitive, never theirs for being tactless and rude. I feel this has been building up throughout my life. My health problems may well hsve originated in this, at least in part. Add two bereavements and lots of stress over the years, it's no wonder my body has caved in. It absolutely keeps the score. Nowadays, I no longer tolerate this kind of behaviour for the sake of keeping the family together and fight back. Sometimes, it's's better to be alone than with the wrong company. What has helped me over the years and always put me back on track is Buddhism, and especially the simplicity and profundity of Zen. The Buddha was and is the best psychologist as far as I'm concerned. The knack lies in turning loneliness into all-one-ness. Not easy, but well worth the effort.
Yes, yes, yes.
Sue, I agree with you about Buddhism. I feel the same way. I always call myself a "sloppy Buddhist" because I still eat meat and smash a spider if it's in my house, lol! Buddhism is like the best therapist a person could have.
I'm sloppy as well, but I always come back to it. I read once that there's no such thing as a lapsed Buddhist, and I've found that to be true.
In my own experience, being depressed and alone is a dangerous situation. Being alone just slides me towards wanting to end it all. I daily experience anxiety and panic about my future because I have no family and no friends -- now don't start self-righteously preaching at me about "getting out there and making friends" because I am AuDHD and agoraphobic and you do not know me. Right now I'm swamped with dealing with cleaning out and selling the family home across the state, cleaning out my current home, trying to get all my meds sorted so I can function a little bit, and trying to make the phone call to an Elder Law attorney to put in place what I will need. It's just all too much. I've learned that I just can't count on anything, including the hour of my death. Every day is a gamble.
Thank you for being so honest with us. You are dealing with a lot.
This was so helpful. I lived alone for some years and had to really work to make connections. Then there were the days I just zoned with movies and books. I was definitely lonely. We should be talking more about loneliness to dispel the shame of it.
Yes. There is no shame in being lonely.
I often feel the same way. When I told a friend, I couldn't get the courage to go to yoga, she said this is when you need to do it the most. Yes, it's hard to push ourselves when we're in the deep blues, but sometimes, it's important to do it nonetheless. I'm part of a core group of women without children, and that helps me so. I know I can always count on them. Please take care. Thank you for your insights.
How are you?
If it helps at all, know that the words you share online are meaningful, that I'm thankful you are here and writing.
When I was at my lowest, the worst part was thinking things would never get better. But they did, and I am so glad I hung in there. Others have mentioned Buddhism, and the constant reminder in Buddhism that things change, that everything passes (including misery), has been helpful to me as well. But as you say, we don't have to rely on that knowledge alone. Reaching out for any tool available, any helping hand, is fair game.
Thank you for this, Sue. I live alone and I don't suffer depression. I needed to know my contentment is not shared by everyone, and what it looks like for others. What a gift to have opened this conversation for so many. (A 3" memory foam mattress topper cured my back and hip pain.) Congratulations on your book pub! Let the "fun" begin as you support it in the world. You do have a child now!
Thank you, Gretchen!