Is New Love the Cure for Loneliness?

Is it better to be alone than with the wrong person?

Available as Is: A Midlife Widow’s Search for Love by Debbie Weiss, She Writes Press, 2022.

While I was reading this book by Debbie Weiss, I kept wanting to tell her to dump whatever guy she was dating because he was bad news. She couldn’t hear me, but that’s how invested I was in her story. This is a memoir about a 40-something woman whose husband dies of cancer. Uncomfortable alone, she soon dives into online dating apps.

Of the men she meets, some are abusive, some can’t stop talking about their exes, and some want only sex without strings. But in her efforts to reach out, she makes some wonderful friends. She also learns that her over-controlling husband kept her from living the full life she really wanted and that she does not need to settle for anyone less than the right man. Heavy subjects but told with a light touch as Weiss, who writes a Substack newsletter called The Hungover Widow, finds her way through widowhood. 

Which is worse? Being alone or being with the wrong person? After dumping a guy who was terrible, Weiss writes, “I went on another long walk, thinking that if I fell and sprained my ankle, I had no one to call to pick me up. When I got home, my plants were the only living things there to greet me. And when I died alone, I’d better do it really close to the front door so one of those irritating real estate agents who was always stopping by would catch the stench and call the police.” 

Let’s be honest. More than fantasizing about sex, most women alone dream of a man who will come along and fix all the things that need fixing in their homes. Right now for me, it’s the kitchen faucet. 

Weiss writes, “So many things around the house had stopped working. I called it “Widow’s Entropy,” where the house knows its master has died and goes into mourning, breaking down in pieces.”

Anybody identify with that? I sure do. 

I suspect men dream of women who will feed them well and take care of the household chores that are foreign to them.

And then there’s sex. I totally agree with this quote: “Widows should be given baskets of chocolate truffles and vibrators to acknowledge that sexual bereavement is real. And big poofy new beds to enjoy them in because we keep seeing our late husbands in the old ones. And somebody to haul those new beds into the house because we’re tired of having to do every last little thing for ourselves. And there should be drop-in centers where people who feel unbearably lonely can talk to each other and watch funny movies together, maybe over milkshakes.” 

Yes! All of that. Add a Lactaid pill to go with my milkshake, and I’m there. I didn’t sleep in the master bedroom of my house for years after my husband died because I couldn’t shake the picture of us on that bed together. 

So, dating. At this age and stage, I’m really not pursuing it. I wouldn’t mind a man for sex, help with home maintenance, going to shows and dinners together, and the occasional trip to the ER, but I’m not inclined to merge my life with someone else’s needs, families and finances. It feels too late, and I’m enjoying my independence too much.

Dating is tough at any age and gets more difficult when you’re older. The good partners are already married, and the rest may be single for good reasons. I tried online dating briefly. I live in a small town, I was matched with men I already knew and definitely did not want to date. I clicked away from that in a hurry.

Online dating can work. My husband’s cousin found her second husband at a Christian dating site. They got married and lived happily together until he died of COVID during the height of the pandemic.

As you can read at Weiss’s Substack, she has found love again after years of bad dates. She has also taken steps to combat loneliness and build a life for herself post-widowhood. It is possible. 

What do you think? Are you dating, want to but don’t know how to start, or just not interested? Once we’re out of school, where do we find love? If you’d like to share your dating successes and horror stories, we’d love to read about them in the comments. 

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How did I end up alone? I didn’t have any kids. After my husband and I retired to the Oregon coast, far from family, he died of Alzheimer’s. You can read our story in my new memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, available now at your favorite bookseller. Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.