It's your birthday, so do it your way

We can mope or we can enjoy our freedom

Birthdays can be torture for people who live alone. No cake, no gifts, no one to sing to you. The only card comes from the senior center or your dentist.

Been there, done that. I have celebrated birthdays eating takeout alone in cheesy motel rooms, sung happy birthday to myself at my kitchen counter over a cupcake with a single candle, eaten lava cake by myself at a Denny’s in the desert, and other pitifulness. There was the time my parents said they were too busy to drive an hour to celebrate my birthday when I was alone and broke, and it really hurt.

But there was also the time my boyfriend du jour stuck a toothpick in a muffin and lit it as a birthday cake substitute. Another time, my parents did drive up and we had a beautiful dinner by the ocean. I danced with that same boyfriend and . . .

I only remember one childhood birthday party with stupid hats and a scratchy blue dress my mother made me wear, but my husband and others organized big blowouts for my 40th and 50th, and a friend threw me a surprise party with the church ladies on my 60th. On my 70th, I invited many friends and three showed up for lunch at The Salty Dawg. Maybe I don’t need a huge party anymore. Quiet is good.

This is not a TV show where, just when it’s looking grim, all the friends and relatives show up to celebrate. When you live alone, it is quite possible you will be alone on your birthday.

Sunday is my 73rd birthday. There’s no point in weeping over the fact I’m not surrounded by grown children, grandchildren and friends going out of their way to make my day special. There are worse fates than being alone. I could be in the hospital or dying or homeless.

If you have ever lived with other people, you know they might totally ignore your special day, and that’s way worse. Second worse is when they plan something you don’t enjoy. Did you ever get served the one kind of cake you flat-out hate? (Hold the coconut, please.)

Taking charge of your birthday is the premise of the new book How to Have a Happy Birthday. Author Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming insists that it’s your birthday and it’s your responsibility to make it whatever you want. It is the one holiday you do not have to share with the rest of the world, she says, and it deserves celebrating.

“I realized that the secret to having a happy birthday was to make it be the way I wanted. To not depend on others to do it for me, and certainly not to sit passively waiting for the phone to ring.”

Hurwitz-Fleming looks at ways we sabotage our own birthdays, basically by assuming they’re going to suck and refusing to let anyone, including ourselves, do nice things for us. It is not helpful to try to ignore it, to keep it a secret, to make no plans, to expect it to be the way it was when we were kids, or to assume no one cares.

It’s easy to get all worked up and dive deep into the birthday blues. I have done that a lot. Does it help? Not at all. Sometimes we have to let ourselves be miserable for a while, but then we have to find a way out of it. Attitude is everything.

How to Have a Happy Birthday offers suggestions for ways to celebrate, alone or with others.

• Create a birthday altar with things that are meaningful to you. Light a candle and think about all that you have done in your life.

• Ask for a gift, not necessarily a material one. For example, someone could write you a poem, sing you a song, or take you somewhere you’ve been wanting to go.

• Take the day off if you can or let your workmates know it’s your day and accept the greetings or gifts that come your way.

• Buy or make your own gift for yourself. You know better than anyone else what would make you happy, right?

• Throw yourself a party.

• Make it a spiritual day of rest and reflection.

• Make or buy your own cake or put the request out to your friends.

• Do good things for your body: a hot bath, exercise, sports, dancing. Eat your favorite foods and wear clothes you feel good in.

• Stay away from things that bum you out, like the news and people you don’t enjoy being around.

The book includes a companion workbook for readers to brainstorm what their ideal birthday would include, what they would like to do in the years to come, and lots more.

In past years, when I was married and my husband worked all day, I would run away to the zoo, the beach, or to San Juan Bautista, a historic mission town south of San Jose. In the evening, I’d go out to dinner with my husband and maybe others, eat a little cake for dessert, and that was a good birthday.

This year, I’ll be going to the 1 p.m. Sunday open mic at Cafe Chill in Waldport as usual and staying for the songwriting workshop afterward. I’m hoping some friends show up, that maybe someone will bring cake, but I’ll survive if they don’t. I’ll have my music mates, and I can buy cake there, so I won’t go without.

Turning 73 is daunting. It sounds so old. I don’t feel that old. Well, my joints do, but the rest of me doesn’t. I’m all too aware that my much-older husband was 73 when he died. It has been 14 years, and I have caught up with him. My mom only made it to 75. But their stories have very little to do with how mine will turn out. My life has already been very different from theirs.

Bottom line: You are the one who came out of your mother’s womb on the day you were born. It’s your birth to celebrate as you choose. Everyone else except your mom is just a witness.

Your turn? How do you handle birthdays? Do you dread them or look forward to them? Does anyone throw you a party? Do you organize your own party? Do you prefer to be alone? What would be the perfect birthday for you?

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You might be interested in my latest post at the Childless by Marriage blog. While folks on the right are pushing for Americans to have more babies, is our declining birth rate really a problem? https://childlessbymarriageblog.com/2025/03/06/is-the-decreasing-birth-rate-a-real-problem/

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How did I end up alone? My first marriage ended in divorce. My second husband died of Alzheimer’s after we had moved to the Oregon coast, far from family. I never had any kids, only dogs. Now I live by myself in a big house in the woods. You can read our story in my memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, available now at your favorite bookseller. The Kindle price has just been reduced! Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.