My Solo Life is All Over the Place

Does being alone make it harder to stay focused?

I.

I’m giving a big talk tomorrow, complete with PowerPoint, handouts, and book sales. It has been publicized all over my writing world, and I am too nervous to focus. 

The state of my house demonstrates the state of my mind. Stuff everywhere. Papers, books, sheet music, sweaters and jackets, Halloween decorations I mean to put up, yesterday’s mail, my guitar I played a couple songs on before breakfast because I felt like it, and exercise gear I haven’t used for a couple days.

I might be manic, but I’m probably just a little petrified. Living alone, I have no one to tell me to put my stuff away, assure me it will be fine, or take me out to lunch to forget about it for a while.  

Every day this week, I have thought I would go out to eat, then got so busy working I didn’t do it. Instead, I ate something at home while I kept working. That’s not healthy, but it takes me forever to produce a PowerPoint presentation and handouts. I’m sure there will be errors when my slides are shown on the giant screen.

I’m promising myself a mini vacation next week. By myself, of course.

2. 

I found a great quote from Lord Byron: “I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.”

Yes! I like being with my friends and colleagues, but sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe freely until I get by myself for a while. Does anyone else feel like that, or is it time for me to find a new shrink? 

This weekend is going to be crowded. I have my presentation on Saturday. I hope a lot of people come. I hope they buy books. It will be fun to talk about my work with people who care.

Afterward, I’ll need to prepare for Sunday, when our church is having a big 1950s party in honor of the parish’s 75th anniversary.  I have bought a new dress, practiced special music, and need to prepare my potluck dish on Saturday night. I’m nervous about all that, too. I love those people. But I’m anxious. After a while, I’m like an old-fashioned pressure cooker. I have to turn down the temperature or I’ll explode. 

So there’s that. 

3. 

I’m reading former surgeon general Vivek Murthy’s book about the loneliness epidemic. Titled Together, it’s slow reading but interesting. I’ll give a full report when I finish.

At one point, he talks about a study in which respondents were asked what was most important to them. The stock answer was the people in their lives, mostly their family and close friends. 

As a person with no husband, kids, grandkids, or nearby relatives of any sort, I had to stop and think. What is the most important thing in my life? My knee-jerk answer would be my writing, but that sounds like the wrong answer. Shouldn’t it be my loved ones? What if there are no loved ones? Am I some kind of workaholic monster? Or is it that I was put here with a job to do, and that job was providing words and music rather than creating a family? 

(Speaking of which, you might want to read this week’s Childless by Marriage post at https://childlessbymarriageblog.com/2024/10/16/the-womb-is-not-our-only-source-of-creation, about other forms of fertility and creativity besides motherhood. It’s based on a poem by Kai Coggin called “It’s Not That I Can’t Have Children.”)

As a good Catholic, shouldn’t I say the most important thing is Jesus? I know that’s what Father Joseph would say. “My writing” would rate somewhere below Jesus and my family.

What would you say? What is most important to you? 

Read about it:

Six Ways to Focus on What's Important in Your Life | Psychology Today

What is More Important in Life: The Big Picture Perspective (believeinmind.com)

Figuring Out What's Most Important to You | Psych Central

When I get a new dog, will she be most the most important thing in my life? She might be. For those who wonder why I’m dawdling, I have been too busy to look for a new pup. But I’m not totally alone. That black cat I wrote about a while back has started visiting every day, usually at breakfast and dinner time. I broke down and bought a bag of cat food. Unlike a lot of cats, this one loves to be hugged, and I love how it feels having him (I have decided Izzy is a boy) purring against my chest. 

4.

See. My mind is all over the place. 

Let’s talk.

• Does being around a lot of people make you long to be back home alone? 

• What would you say if asked what is most important to you? 

• Should I be feeding this pussycat? 

If you happen to be in Newport, Oregon tomorrow, my talk is from 2 to 4 p.m. at the library. Anyone can come. You are also welcome to join the festivities at St. Anthony’s in Waldport, beginning with the 10 a.m.  Mass. I’ll be the one in the blue polka-dot dress and silly white hat. 

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How did I end up alone? My first marriage ended in divorce. My second husband died of Alzheimer’s after we had moved to the Oregon coast, far from family. I never had any kids, only dogs. Now I live by myself in a big house in the woods. You can read our story in my new memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, available now at your favorite bookseller. Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.