News Flash: We Don’t Have to Wait for an Invitation

Reaching out is not easy, but it’s an option

Janey asked if she could sit with me at the Cafe Chill open mic yesterday. The week before, she invited me to her table and taught me a valuable lesson. I can do the same thing. I don’t have to sit feeling alone and self-conscious, waiting to be asked. I can invite someone to join me. Or I can ask to join someone else.

If I want to.

I knew Janey from a long time ago. She was one of my husband Fred’s best home caregivers—until she moved to Costa Rica. That was back in 2008. I didn’t know about her personal life back then, only that she was friendly, efficient, and gave good hugs when I was overwhelmed with caring for my husband and our two giant puppies.

It turns out her ex-husband was an alcoholic. She dumped him 11 years ago. She is very happy living alone these days. After years of home care and hospice work, she works part-time at a nursery now, caring for plants instead of people. She goes where she wants and does what she wants. Wherever she goes, she finds people to talk to. She’s not shy at all. If she has no one to sit with, she finds someone.

After I did my songs, I went to order some food. When I came back, she was sitting at a different table, talking to a white-haired woman. She apologized later for leaving me, but said the older woman had begged her to sit with her, so she did.

I was fine on my own. More and more, I feel at home at the open mic, surrounded by my new friends. I love that I have an audience and a reason to practice my own music in addition to the church songs I do at St. Anthony’s.

Last week, Janey had inquired about my dating life. I said no one had asked me out. She didn’t say much then, but after mulling it over for a week, she scolded me. “This is 2025, girl. You don’t have to wait to be asked. If you see a guy you like, ask him out for coffee or something.”

“The good ones are all married,” I waffled. But then I admitted the truth. I wasn’t that interested in hooking my life to another man.

I could hear the amen chorus in my head and around me. I have met so many older widows who just don’t want to do it again. Been there, done that. We like our freedom, and we don’t want to take care of another man or adapt to his needs.

Note that the same can be said for same-sex relationships or for men who’d rather not seek out a new woman.

I have absolutely no interest in pursuing a partner through online dating or anything else. Am I dried up old lady? Not at all. I just love my freedom.

It is nice to have someone around for sex, companionship, and help around the house. It would be great to have someone share the driving on long trips. But 24/7? Janey and I agreed the best thing would be to have a man who does not live in your house, so that when you are ready to be alone, you can tell him, “Go home.” And he would.

This inviting instead of being invited business has opened a new window in my mind. It’s not that I never felt I had the right to ask. I knew I did. I just . . . I don’t know. Did I think they’d glare at me and say “no”?

Let’s look at it from another perspective. Janey is an outgoing person who has no trouble talking to anyone. Many of us are much more introverted. Just thinking about reaching out might be so stressful that we avoid it. We’d rather stay within our bubble where it’s safe and comfortable. I understand. I’m a bubble girl myself.

Some people are chattier than others. My grandfather, who lived in Aptos, near Santa Cruz, would walk up to strangers on the pier or the beach and just start a conversation. He was charming and his stories were great, so no one shooed him away. He met a lot of people that way.

I probably wouldn’t chat up a stranger unless I needed something. One of the hardest parts of my life as a journalist was telephoning or walking up to strangers to ask them questions to get the quotes I needed for my stories. Email interviews weren’t a real option back in the 70s, 80s, and 90s. You met in person or spoke on the phone. It helped to have the name of the newspaper to impress folks, but it was still difficult.

I would put off the interviews until the deadline was closing in. Nearly always, the people were terrific. My fears were unfounded, but that didn’t make it any easier. I understand if you have trouble doing it. Heck, I get nervous calling to schedule a haircut or going to the post office to mail a package. I do it, but I feel the anxiety. It’s not logical, but it’s there.

A woman I knew from my previous church was so shy she couldn’t even look people in the face. I made a point of saying hello, trying to encourage her, but I could feel her discomfort, so I didn’t push it.

We all have different levels of comfort when it comes to interacting with other people. We need to respect that, even in ourselves. If we’re more comfortable connecting on the Internet, then thank God for the Internet.

I just thought of this older man who comes to our open mic every Sunday. Not a performer, he sits by himself at the same table every week, busy with his phone or his tablet, drinking his fancy coffee and smiling when the music is good. He seems happy just being there. He smiled big yesterday when I was singing this sweet old song that came out very well. I felt a flush of warm pleasure, but I was content at my own table, with him at his.

It’s okay to be alone if you want to. But inviting someone to join you is always an option. It doesn’t have to be a lifetime commitment.

Do you feel comfortable inviting a stranger or someone you don’t know very well to join you at a meal or a function of some sort? Could you ask someone to go out for coffee, a walk, a movie, or whatever? Male or female, friend or date? Why? Why not?

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Speaking of invitations, next Sunday is my birthday. I will be going to Cafe Chill in Waldport for the open mic as usual (1-3ish), followed by the songwriting workshop. If anyone would like to join me for lunch before or during, I would love it. Bonus points if a cake appears.

I just received a new book titled How to Have a Happy Birthday to review. It’s a guide to celebrating your birthday in a way that will make you happy. There’s a workbook that goes with it. I will tell you more about it after I read it, hopefully this week. For those of us who tend to mope on our birthdays, this book could be a big help.

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How did I end up alone? My first marriage ended in divorce. My second husband died of Alzheimer’s after we had moved to the Oregon coast, far from family. I never had any kids, only dogs. Now I live by myself in a big house in the woods. You can read our story in my memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, available now at your favorite bookseller. The Kindle price has just been reduced! Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.