Santa, I need some help over here!
Managing Christmas presents when you live alone
Why am I doing this, I asked myself around nine o’clock Thursday night. I had spent the entire day on Christmas cards and gifts. I drove 45 minutes north to Lincoln City, which has an outlet center, umpteen gift shops, and a bookstore. I bought a pile of books, walked more than my daily quota to buy other gifts for those who don’t appreciate books, had lunch out at a place that was too frou-frou for my taste, and drove home to start my card-writing and gift-wrapping marathon.
I hit the wall about eight but kept going. By nine, bitterness had begun to seep in, along with pain from leaning over the bed I use as a wrapping table. Why am I doing all this when three quarters of the recipients will not send me anything, and I may never hear whether they liked what I sent or even received it. Little kids are excused, but adults? Big sigh.
Most people don’t realize that while my offerings are just a trickle in the gush of gifts they receive, I will have very little under my Christmas tree.
This sounds all woe is me, but let’s do the math. My mom, a major source of gifts, is gone. So is my dad. Godparents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, gone. My husband, who bought fabulous gifts, is also gone. I don’t have children or grandchildren. And Santa Claus isn’t coming to South Beach (sorry to break it to you).
I’m not the kind of person who can fluff it off and say it doesn’t matter. It does.
I love every single person for whom I was wrapping gifts. I want to send them presents. I want to send cards to the people I care about.
But it’s hard work, and I understand why my grandparents just sent money in their later years. I don’t know how much longer I will have the energy to do it. My husband used to handle the wrapping, packing and mailing. He was good at it and didn’t mind. He let me pick out the gifts. Teamwork. Alone, it’s hard.
Better organization would help. My Grandma Rachel used to collect stuff all year and send us each a box of weird things—shells, used books, newspaper clippings, old jewelry. It was great.
Me, I wait until it’s almost too late to mail then try to do it all in one day. Which led to the marathon that had me wanting to cry as I stared at the mess, trying to figure out how to pack everything. Then, disaster. I ran out of wrapping paper before I could wrap that one last thing. There’s no store nearby.
I can’t tell you what I did because it’s a secret.
Anyway, it’s all expensive and exhausting. The wise men brought Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh. Not very useful for a baby. But they needed to pay homage and there was no Target or Costco. Definitely no Amazon.
While I was shopping, I bought one expensive thing for me. A real splurge. I put it in a gift bag and slipped it under the Christmas tree. I may go to the candy store and get the assortment of chocolate truffles my husband used to buy. So good. Why not?
Despite the weariness, the cost and the lack of response, I am lucky to have all these people to buy gifts for. It’s sweet wandering through the toys and children’s books picking out what I think they’ll like. I want to give the adults I love a little something to show that love.
I know I’m a spoiled child inside for caring about what I get for Christmas. People in war zones are trying to stay alive. People sleeping on the streets are trying to stay warm. There are people who not only don’t receive gifts but have no one to give them to. Maybe you’re among them.
Or maybe you’re not Christian and you don’t do Christmas. How do you handle the onslaught of gift-oriented messaging this time of year?
Once my house is decorated and the gifts and cards done, I can relax and enjoy the holiday. A friend has invited me to Christmas dinner at her house. I said yes. I thought about staying home alone this year, but I know myself. It’s a sure path to a pity party. So I will be with friends, and it will be fun. We are not exchanging gifts.
If we solos lived far away from other people and the mass media, if we didn’t compare our situation to that of others, if we didn’t know about the whole Christmas present thing, we wouldn’t care. It would be, as my father maintained in his later years, just another day.
But it’s not. The holidays can put a bright red spotlight on how alone we are. We can still make the best of it. We can make it a great day if we live it on our own terms. Do what we want, give what we want, eat what we want. It’s all up to us.
We can buck the tradition or follow it. We have a choice, and if, like me, you’re kicking yourself for overdoing it again, sit down, have something soothing to drink, and remember that this was your choice. Next year, do it differently. Simplify.
When I Googled “Do we have to buy Christmas presents?” AI jumped in with an answer that I’m not going to quote because I prefer to do my own writing. But in short, the answer is no. You can make gifts, do something fun together, give something of yours that you already own, give to charity, volunteer, etc.
My advice:
Do as much or as little as you feel comfortable doing. You can explain your reasoning, but don’t make excuses. You are not required to wear yourself out and spent a month’s rent buying gifts.
Why wait for Santa? Treat yourself to something that makes you happy.
You don’t have to have a Christmas tree, but if you do, put anything you want underneath. It does not have to be presents.
If you have no one to give presents to, plenty of charities are happy to receive your donation.
It’s okay to buy holiday supplies at the dollar store. Really.
Forgive yourself for being less than perfect. You’ve only got two hands and a limited supply of time, money and energy.
How are you handling the Christmas frenzy? Do you put much effort into gifts? Please share in the comments.
The articles below make me feel foolish for worrying so much about gift-giving. But am I being foolish? Is there something about being alone that makes me want to compensate by overdoing it? Is it Catholic guilt? Or am I just generous?
Anyway, my gifts are in the mail. I took myself out to lunch to celebrate. Mexican. Muy bien.
By the way, the chocolate peppermint truffles are my favorite.
Further reading
How to Have a Special Christmas Day Without Gifts - nourishing minimalism
Why it's hard for people to give 'nothing' on Christmas
Why We Should Stop Buying Christmas Presents - And What To Do Instead | Moneywise
Remember my last post where I complained about robocalls on my landline driving me crazy? Problem solved. My friend John called after he read my post and told me about our telephone company’s Privacy Defender program. I immediately called to set it up. For $2.50 a month, they add a feature where callers need to press an extra number to prove they’re not robots. I haven’t had a single nuisance call since then. It’s almost too quiet. If you’re besieged by junk calls, check with your phone company. They might have a similar program.
I will be participating in another Childless Elderwomen’s chat on Zoom on Sunday, Dec. 15, at noon Pacific time. Our topic is solo aging, and we have a bang-up panel of women you will love. If you register here, you can join us live or receive the recording afterward.
I highly recommend this Substack post by our leader Jody Day, “The 3am bag lady blues.” She addresses that fear of growing old alone that many of us share.
How did I end up alone? My first marriage ended in divorce. My second husband died of Alzheimer’s after we had moved to the Oregon coast, far from family. I never had any kids, only dogs. Now I live by myself in a big house in the woods. You can read our story in my memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, available now at your favorite bookseller. Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.
I hear you! It's hard shelling out and shelling out for other people/their kids, and never getting anything in return, let alone a thank you note or even a simple acknowledgement that the gift was received (if it was sent). I suppose a handwritten thank you note is expecting too much these days (eyeroll), but an email, text or phone call would be nice. Too often, it's total radio silence -- it's like it disappears into a black hole. I'm not getting many thank you notes for wedding gifts these days either.
That said -- a couple of years ago, my husband & I got gifts from our nephew (well, from his wife, really!) and family -- on Mother's Day & Father's Day (!!) -- with a lovely note thanking us for all we do for them. We'd been doing a lot of babysitting for our little great-nephew at the time, and to have that acknowledged with a gift? For MOTHER'S DAY?? Yes, I cried!
My family has a tradition that the adults no longer trade presents - instead we all donate to each other's favorite charities. The children still get presents, but all of us get to share in the seasonal thoughts while providing resources to non-profits performing key community roles in these times