Sometimes even a loner needs to talk

A lively conversation is good for you

Were you one of those kids who got in trouble at school for talking too much? Maybe you weren't really being bad; you were just filling the human need to converse.

When was the last time you sat with a friend or relative and got loud, sharing stories, laughing, and saying things you’ve been aching to tell someone?

We can live our lives alone and enjoy the silence for hours or days at a time, but I’m learning that live, in-person conversation is as important to our health as food, water, and sleep. Not the kind where you can’t get a word in edgewise but a real back and forth blabfest.

S. and I were in the library meeting room for our biweekly writers’ group. We were the only ones there that day, and we got to talking. Soon we were comparing bad mothers-in-law and former husbands, sharing frustrations with health insurance, talking about my home decorating project, and chatting about all kinds of crazy things. I felt like someone had opened a stuck valve and set free the part of me that is relaxed and funny–as opposed to the listless mess I sometimes become after too much time alone.

S and I did eventually get to writing. We wrote until the library lady chased us out. I think the talk made the writing better.

“The Neuroscience of Conversations” in Psychology Today reports that “Feel good” conversations trigger higher levels of dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, and other biochemicals that give us a sense of well-being. Like a good run but with less sweat.

Of course, not all conversations are cheerful or fun. We have all had those tooth-gritting talks that make a person want to run away or punch someone. But when you click with another person and the talk flows, it feels terrific.

If you’re like me, you don’t want to be talking all the time. We need our solitude. But a good chat now and then releases tension, makes connections, and helps a person feel less alone.

I’m just remembering how Mrs. Shope from down the street used to drop by to chat with my mom. Both stay-at-home housewives with few outside activities, it was a chance for them to let off some steam between the laundry and cooking dinner.

We all need someone to talk to.

When life turns upside down and I need someone to share the craziness, I call my friend Pat. She’s the one I called Monday when another ocular migraine blinded me, and I couldn’t see to do anything but talk.

When I need to be lifted out of a funk or work obsessions, I stroll over to my neighbor Cheryl’s house. She welcomes me in, her cat Charlie settles between us or in my lap, and we talk and talk about husbands and family, health, cooking projects, travel, TV, wild animals, annoying neighbors, politics, pot, and even religion–she teases me for being the “good little Catholic girl.” She always makes me laugh and helps clear the fog in my brain.

Another friend I’ll call Q has that same chemistry when we get together. We get so busy talking, we make ourselves late to whatever is next on the agenda. She also gives the best hugs. But her schedule is even crazier than mine. For a while, we were setting up regular lunches, but things happened, we had to cancel, and now, wow, I think it has been six months. We need to make another date.

All of these women are more outgoing than I am. I probably would not be talking to them if they hadn’t reached out first, but I thank God for them because sometimes life just sucks, and we need to talk about it. Sometimes fantastic things happen, and we need to talk about that, too. Sometimes we just need to exchange words and be in the presence of another human being.

Not that people are calling me all the time. My phone hardly ever rings. Mostly, my friends made the initial contact, but it’s up to me to keep it going.

Which is a lesson for anyone wishing to hold on to their friends. You have to work at it. Put it on your calendar if you need to. Call, text, write a letter. Today. Otherwise, too much life passes by, and you never catch up with each other. You know how we say, I need to call so and so, but not tonight. And you never call? I am so guilty of that with so many people.

Have I told you how as a little girl I stood in front of our house waiting for another little girl to come outside? I was too shy to telephone or knock on a door to ask other kids to play with me. This was long before cell phones. Texting was not a thing. Inside, I’m still that little girl. But you know what? Most of the time, if you find the courage to knock on that door, they’ll open it and say, “Come in! I missed you.”

I have a wealth of wonderful cousins I keep meaning to connect with. Their lives are very different from mine–I’m a writer, single, childless, active at church, a musician, all things they are not. They are good people with whom I want to connect. I just–you know.

But I need those connections, those freewheeling talks where my only responsibility is to make sure I don’t hog the conversation. Listening is as important as speaking. Other people need to talk as much as we do, and what they say matters.

We can connect online, but it is just not the same. Your Zoom app will never hug you. Artificial Intelligence can’t make THAT happen. Author Lauren Kessler recently posted a fun piece about conversing with her AI companion Alden. Read it here. I talk to my Alexa, but it’s not the same.

This post sounds way too cheery. I know very well the feeling that I’m all alone and nobody gives a rip. I have days when I say, “Forget it. I’m not calling anybody or going anywhere.” I may even send a text canceling whatever I had scheduled. But we have to try. Not only do we need the good talks, but we need someone to help when things go wrong–and so do they, especially if you both live alone.

Can we do it alone? I think we have to give it a shot.

Let’s talk:

Do you have someone you can talk with face-to-face, the kind of person with whom you can share anything?

If not, do you know why?

Are there people in your life you could reach out to?

Can you take a deep breath and make a call, inviting them to lunch or coffee?

Try it. Maybe just send a text. Take baby steps.

Read about it

“Conversations are essential to our well-being. Psychologists are exploring the science of why they’re so powerful”

“The Neuroscience of Conversations”

“Human Connection: Why It's Important I Psych Central”

“What Makes a Good Conversation?”

Photo by saeed karimi on Unsplash

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Out, out, old papers

I’m still happily getting rid of old files. I have emptied three drawers now and can’t wait to get back to it. I’m up to the Letter M. I found notes from 1979 Milpitas City Council meetings I covered as a reporter for the Milpitas Post. Why do I still have them? I have retired from all that. The newspaper I was writing for went out of business a long time ago. Out! It feels so good releasing obsolete pieces of my past to the recycle bin.

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NomoCrones meet next week

Jody Day hosts quarterly “Childless Elderwomen Fireside Chats” with women from all over the world. I have been lucky to participate in most of them. We have discussed everything from aging alone to how to deal with obnoxious questions about our parenting status. On Saturday, June 28, at 11 a.m. Pacific time, we “NomoCrones,” as Jody calls us, will discuss the often-buried subject of menopause and life beyond our fertile years. As always, it will be lively, with plenty of laughter and probably some tears. You can register to join us anonymously at bit.ly/gwe-meno. The session will be recorded, so you can listen live or whenever you want to.

Meanwhile, Jody has published a terrific post about menopause and aging without children. You can read it here.

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Waukesha to Waldport reading

My writer friend Kathie Giorgio is in Oregon on her annual writing retreat from her home in Wisconsin. We are joining for a reading at Cafe Chill, 540 NE Commercial St., in Waldport on July 2. The festivities start at 5:30 with casual dinner offerings of soups, salads, and wraps before we read from our recent work. Between the two of us, we have published 31 books, including fiction, poetry, and nonfiction. Kathie’s work is quirky and wonderful. Check out her website, https://kathiegiorgio.org

If you’re in the area, do come. No reservations, no cover charge. We will have books for sale and look forward to visiting with old and new friends. Our thanks to the wonderful Diana Buckley for not only welcoming two busy authors but planning a special meal for the occasion.

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How did I end up alone? My first marriage ended in divorce. My second husband died of Alzheimer’s after we had moved to the Oregon coast, far from family. I never had any kids, only dogs. Now I live by myself in a big house in the woods. You can read our story in my memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, available at your favorite bookseller. Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.