And another thing! I find that going behind the counter to get my own water/tea/coffee as well as to go containers is a sure fire way to either get what I want or get the attention of management. . .
As a former waitress, my thoughts are: 1. You might have been "profiled." Women of a certain age are not known as a group to be particularly good tippers. It is possible your waitress decided based on sight you weren't worth the effort. 2. You might have been ignored because women of a certain age are, in my experience - and much to my shock - apparently invisible! 3. Waitressing is actually a profession that requires a certain amount of skill to keep track of all the moving parts. Not every business recognizes this, and you may have just had a particularly bad waitress.
I’ve never worked in a country where tips are a regular thing. Tips happened but often into a communal jar that was shared between the staff evenly. So being solo or in a group didn’t really make much difference to me. Perhaps I’d even prefer a solo table as it’s less hectic than taking orders from a group, especially if they have kids as it all gets chaotic and slow. Some of my favourite regular customers were solo breakfasters.
I don’t think I was a very good waitress though haha 😆 I’m very clumsy and when I’m focused I hyper focus and don’t notice the world around me.
I eat out alone often both at home and on vacation. If I am offered an undesirable table, I ask for a different one, often pointing to a table that is available that I prefer. It’s rare that my request is denied. If my food is not well prepared, I will politely return it. If I am unable to get the attention of my server during my meal, I will flag down another server, or the bus boy or the manager - whoever passes by or whose eye I can catch - and ask them to send my server over or to fill my request. If it’s the end of my meal, I will stand for a moment and if I don’t get help, I will go to the cashier for my check. What I don’t do is take it personally because I was a waitress and am aware of all the reasons service wasn’t optional. For example, seating is rotated among stations so no server is overloaded with customers all at once. Waitresses aren’t responsible for what comes out of the kitchen, the chef is. In addition to serving clients, servers must complete “side work” that’s cleaning and restocking condiments, wiping and resetting tables. Granted, people may be inexperienced or not very good at their jobs which affects your service. In my experience, it’s not due to ageism or sexism. If it’s really bad, complain to the manager, but before you put their job in Jeopardy or stiff her/him, keep in mind that service is a backbreaking low paying job, servers depend on tips to survive economically and often have to split tips with busboys or pool them so everyone is hurt. Maybe she/he just had a bad day.
Sue, you hit my hot button! As a single person I am regularly ignored. First, don't seat me in a crappy seat or around a bunch of kids. Second, treat me with the same respect as other diners. I'm a ridiculously generous tipper. But I will leave you nothing if the service is bad. And no matter how good the food is, I won't go back if the service isn't good. Last, I review on Yelp and I'm painfully honest. I don't want to patronize an establish I won't enjoy and IMHO neither does anyone else.
I’m often alone in restaurants. I try not to go when it’s busy to avoid being surrounded by a lot of noise. I’m usually immediately directed to a two-top (which I hate) and will ask for a slightly larger table so I can spread out. If it’s not busy, they’ll usually oblige.
I do often find I’m forgotten, but will try to be patient. I have had to go to the register without a check. I have had to stand up to get my server’s attention. I try I think of ‘everything’ when they bring the meal (spoon, sugar, side of… etc) in case it’s a while before they come back…) Sometimes I end up somewhere where there’s a happy medium: they leave me well enough alone to read/work/eat in peace AND they don’t completely forget about me.
One of the best things ever is when they come, unsolicited, to top up the hot water in my tea (OR bring me a fresh cup and not charge me for it).
One of the worst times was a diner where I was seated and NO ONE CAME TO TAKE MY ORDER. It was slow, there were several servers, and I wasn’t in a quiet corner… so someone could surely see me sitting there. What did they thing I was there for? (I often wonder what happened—cuz I walked out—did my server walk off the job or was sick in the back and none of the other servers realized I was waiting?)
When I go out to dinner with just my son and the service is slow/weird, he always remarks that it’s my curse.
I live in Canada where tipping has historically been treated as a bonus for good service rather than a top up to inadequate wages. Since COVID that seems to have changed where it has become expected regardless of service level. Frankly, I'm really starting to resent the endless prompts for tips. Would a server who received no tip or a token tip recognize that it was due to poor service, or would they assume the customer was either cheap or stupid?
Reasons for not eating out: (1) I read the weekly county health department food inspection reports (yikes); (2) I read Anthony Bourdain's books about behind-the-scenes in restaurants (yikes); (3) restaurants are designed as if the architects never heard the word "acoustics" and hard walls + hard floors + hard ceiling + music system on steroids = really painful experience for an AuDHD person; (4) if the table and chairs are sticky/greasy, the restaurant is not clean; and (5) the tip thing is out of control. Dining solo or with my husband, I've not had a pleasurable experience in 50 years. I do remember my first adventure in solo dining in Salem, OR in 1975: table in back of restaurant by the kitchen doors, ignored most of the time, repeatedly asked if I was waiting for someone. It was decades before I attempted it again.
Very interesting read Sue (and comments) especially for someone from Down Under. Hospitality is a low paid job even in Australia, but it is a living wage and while tips are very welcome, they are not expected. Some larger restaurant chains try to piggy back on US conditions but generally tips are only given for exceptional service - and then only about 10%. Unfortunately older women are still invisible here too! Lunchtime as a solo diner is much easier as there are usually lots of us. I don't think I have even dined out for dinner on my own.
I'm finding we are expected to tip at least 18 percent in the western U.S. these days. Makes a meal quite expensive. I am also more comfortable dining out alone for lunch. Thanks for the view from Down Under.
If it's any consolation, I have experienced this while dining with my husband too. Some servers are just plain distracted--whether by the demands of the work, or by standing in the kitchen entry flirting with co-workers, or by personal problems or whatever. It's about them, not you. Sometimes it's obvious that the other servers realize it and they will sometimes nudge your server, especially if you've been waving for attention. Other times there's just one person handling a whole dining room. I do think the quiet, non-demanding diners sometimes get overlooked.
But I want to acknowledge the really splendid service I've gotten in many places. It really stands out when a server is attentive, polite, and prompt. I don't need fawning attention or royal treatment--just friendly awareness!
Having been a server , and owned my own crazy busy coffee house/ restaurant for a couple years… I am hyper vigilant to how I am treated when I dive out alone! DEFINITELY have experienced what you described!! I used to ALWAYS make it a point to give women dining alone , and women who were wives/ partners of men, lots of eye contact and conversation, instead of just the guy! Recently went out with my daughter and her partner, and my son and his wife. The server ( a man who was in the ballpark of my amount of birthday candles… 60 plusss)… was so old school and awful about schmoozing and catering to THE GUYS … who he assumed were paying. AND he did NOT listen to my explicit instructions and inquiries re dairy free sauces… as my daughter in law HIGHLY ALLERGIC. So yes I do appreciate and tip VERY WELL for most restaurant service! But not when they are blatantly sexist or ageist or just plain inattentive or rude. Unless of course they’re swamped!!! I’m with you!
I can see this from two sides at least — I served for many years, but as a ‘point of pride’ I always went out of my way to make a solo diner’s (male or female) experience a good one. On the other hand, having been a solo diner for many, many years, I know of what you speak. I wrote last time I think about my experience with the older male server. But another one comes to mind. I went, alone, to a chain restaurant, a local one, very fashionable and had my usual fare. The service was adequate and I left the server’s tip on the table in cash. I went up to the bar to pay my tab and she saw that I hadn’t tipped electronically and asked if the service had been okay. Had the food been okay? Was I sure the service was okay? Was there anything I wanted to tell her? I knew where this was going all along and decided to curb my now fiery tongue and let her discover the generous tip on the table and feel like a fool, though part of me wanted to give her a piece of my mind. I’ve been back there, but it was a long while and now I only ever go with others.
I don’t believe that servers deserve a tip just for being a warm body. If the service has been terrible, I will leave nothing and speak to the manager if it’s really beyond the pale. But if the server is warm and genuine and spends even a minute with me if they’re ’in the weeds’, I will tip generously.
Why would you have wanted her to feel like a fool? She didn’t know you left cash. Why not just tell her? Or write “CASH” on the tip line of the receipt? (That’s what I do.) If you really left her a generous tip, why be passive-aggressive at the register? I’m just understanding the point. Like an earlier person wrote above, these people make $2.13 an hour. If she asked all those questions, it’s becuz she takes pride in her work and becuz the tip is important. Maybe it’s good you didn’t go back there…
In Canada, servers make $15/hour. I didn’t say anything because of how she handled it. A tip is not a right. I was a server for many years. I would never have pestered a customer at the door.
I feel compelled to share that the US Department of Labor regulations state that “an employer of a tipped employee is only required to pay $2.13 per hour in direct wages if that amount combined with the tips received at least equals the federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour. Thirteen states take advantage of those guidelines and pay servers $2.13 an hour. If you stiff your server, she/he waited on you for $2.13.
And another thing! I find that going behind the counter to get my own water/tea/coffee as well as to go containers is a sure fire way to either get what I want or get the attention of management. . .
Yep. I have done that. They come running.
LOL.
As a former waitress, my thoughts are: 1. You might have been "profiled." Women of a certain age are not known as a group to be particularly good tippers. It is possible your waitress decided based on sight you weren't worth the effort. 2. You might have been ignored because women of a certain age are, in my experience - and much to my shock - apparently invisible! 3. Waitressing is actually a profession that requires a certain amount of skill to keep track of all the moving parts. Not every business recognizes this, and you may have just had a particularly bad waitress.
In solidarity. . .
Thanks, Anne. I guess they can't tell by looking that I am actually a high tipper. Sigh.
Sometimes I announce, “I’m a former waitress” because I, too, am a high tipper, and ‘former waitress’ is code for that.
I’ve never worked in a country where tips are a regular thing. Tips happened but often into a communal jar that was shared between the staff evenly. So being solo or in a group didn’t really make much difference to me. Perhaps I’d even prefer a solo table as it’s less hectic than taking orders from a group, especially if they have kids as it all gets chaotic and slow. Some of my favourite regular customers were solo breakfasters.
I don’t think I was a very good waitress though haha 😆 I’m very clumsy and when I’m focused I hyper focus and don’t notice the world around me.
I eat out alone often both at home and on vacation. If I am offered an undesirable table, I ask for a different one, often pointing to a table that is available that I prefer. It’s rare that my request is denied. If my food is not well prepared, I will politely return it. If I am unable to get the attention of my server during my meal, I will flag down another server, or the bus boy or the manager - whoever passes by or whose eye I can catch - and ask them to send my server over or to fill my request. If it’s the end of my meal, I will stand for a moment and if I don’t get help, I will go to the cashier for my check. What I don’t do is take it personally because I was a waitress and am aware of all the reasons service wasn’t optional. For example, seating is rotated among stations so no server is overloaded with customers all at once. Waitresses aren’t responsible for what comes out of the kitchen, the chef is. In addition to serving clients, servers must complete “side work” that’s cleaning and restocking condiments, wiping and resetting tables. Granted, people may be inexperienced or not very good at their jobs which affects your service. In my experience, it’s not due to ageism or sexism. If it’s really bad, complain to the manager, but before you put their job in Jeopardy or stiff her/him, keep in mind that service is a backbreaking low paying job, servers depend on tips to survive economically and often have to split tips with busboys or pool them so everyone is hurt. Maybe she/he just had a bad day.
Sue, you hit my hot button! As a single person I am regularly ignored. First, don't seat me in a crappy seat or around a bunch of kids. Second, treat me with the same respect as other diners. I'm a ridiculously generous tipper. But I will leave you nothing if the service is bad. And no matter how good the food is, I won't go back if the service isn't good. Last, I review on Yelp and I'm painfully honest. I don't want to patronize an establish I won't enjoy and IMHO neither does anyone else.
Yes! Exactly!
I let them have it on Yelp and Google and Trip Advisor when the service is bad. xoA <3
Good for you!
I’m often alone in restaurants. I try not to go when it’s busy to avoid being surrounded by a lot of noise. I’m usually immediately directed to a two-top (which I hate) and will ask for a slightly larger table so I can spread out. If it’s not busy, they’ll usually oblige.
I do often find I’m forgotten, but will try to be patient. I have had to go to the register without a check. I have had to stand up to get my server’s attention. I try I think of ‘everything’ when they bring the meal (spoon, sugar, side of… etc) in case it’s a while before they come back…) Sometimes I end up somewhere where there’s a happy medium: they leave me well enough alone to read/work/eat in peace AND they don’t completely forget about me.
One of the best things ever is when they come, unsolicited, to top up the hot water in my tea (OR bring me a fresh cup and not charge me for it).
One of the worst times was a diner where I was seated and NO ONE CAME TO TAKE MY ORDER. It was slow, there were several servers, and I wasn’t in a quiet corner… so someone could surely see me sitting there. What did they thing I was there for? (I often wonder what happened—cuz I walked out—did my server walk off the job or was sick in the back and none of the other servers realized I was waiting?)
When I go out to dinner with just my son and the service is slow/weird, he always remarks that it’s my curse.
I live in Canada where tipping has historically been treated as a bonus for good service rather than a top up to inadequate wages. Since COVID that seems to have changed where it has become expected regardless of service level. Frankly, I'm really starting to resent the endless prompts for tips. Would a server who received no tip or a token tip recognize that it was due to poor service, or would they assume the customer was either cheap or stupid?
Reasons for not eating out: (1) I read the weekly county health department food inspection reports (yikes); (2) I read Anthony Bourdain's books about behind-the-scenes in restaurants (yikes); (3) restaurants are designed as if the architects never heard the word "acoustics" and hard walls + hard floors + hard ceiling + music system on steroids = really painful experience for an AuDHD person; (4) if the table and chairs are sticky/greasy, the restaurant is not clean; and (5) the tip thing is out of control. Dining solo or with my husband, I've not had a pleasurable experience in 50 years. I do remember my first adventure in solo dining in Salem, OR in 1975: table in back of restaurant by the kitchen doors, ignored most of the time, repeatedly asked if I was waiting for someone. It was decades before I attempted it again.
All good points, Pegra. At least with the noise problem, I can turn off my hearing aids to make it almost tolerable.
I carry 3M Ear Screws in my handbag.
Very interesting read Sue (and comments) especially for someone from Down Under. Hospitality is a low paid job even in Australia, but it is a living wage and while tips are very welcome, they are not expected. Some larger restaurant chains try to piggy back on US conditions but generally tips are only given for exceptional service - and then only about 10%. Unfortunately older women are still invisible here too! Lunchtime as a solo diner is much easier as there are usually lots of us. I don't think I have even dined out for dinner on my own.
I'm finding we are expected to tip at least 18 percent in the western U.S. these days. Makes a meal quite expensive. I am also more comfortable dining out alone for lunch. Thanks for the view from Down Under.
If it's any consolation, I have experienced this while dining with my husband too. Some servers are just plain distracted--whether by the demands of the work, or by standing in the kitchen entry flirting with co-workers, or by personal problems or whatever. It's about them, not you. Sometimes it's obvious that the other servers realize it and they will sometimes nudge your server, especially if you've been waving for attention. Other times there's just one person handling a whole dining room. I do think the quiet, non-demanding diners sometimes get overlooked.
But I want to acknowledge the really splendid service I've gotten in many places. It really stands out when a server is attentive, polite, and prompt. I don't need fawning attention or royal treatment--just friendly awareness!
Good comments, Jenn. Thank you.
Having been a server , and owned my own crazy busy coffee house/ restaurant for a couple years… I am hyper vigilant to how I am treated when I dive out alone! DEFINITELY have experienced what you described!! I used to ALWAYS make it a point to give women dining alone , and women who were wives/ partners of men, lots of eye contact and conversation, instead of just the guy! Recently went out with my daughter and her partner, and my son and his wife. The server ( a man who was in the ballpark of my amount of birthday candles… 60 plusss)… was so old school and awful about schmoozing and catering to THE GUYS … who he assumed were paying. AND he did NOT listen to my explicit instructions and inquiries re dairy free sauces… as my daughter in law HIGHLY ALLERGIC. So yes I do appreciate and tip VERY WELL for most restaurant service! But not when they are blatantly sexist or ageist or just plain inattentive or rude. Unless of course they’re swamped!!! I’m with you!
I have trouble with dairy, too, so I sympathize. Thank you for standing up for us.
I can see this from two sides at least — I served for many years, but as a ‘point of pride’ I always went out of my way to make a solo diner’s (male or female) experience a good one. On the other hand, having been a solo diner for many, many years, I know of what you speak. I wrote last time I think about my experience with the older male server. But another one comes to mind. I went, alone, to a chain restaurant, a local one, very fashionable and had my usual fare. The service was adequate and I left the server’s tip on the table in cash. I went up to the bar to pay my tab and she saw that I hadn’t tipped electronically and asked if the service had been okay. Had the food been okay? Was I sure the service was okay? Was there anything I wanted to tell her? I knew where this was going all along and decided to curb my now fiery tongue and let her discover the generous tip on the table and feel like a fool, though part of me wanted to give her a piece of my mind. I’ve been back there, but it was a long while and now I only ever go with others.
I don’t believe that servers deserve a tip just for being a warm body. If the service has been terrible, I will leave nothing and speak to the manager if it’s really beyond the pale. But if the server is warm and genuine and spends even a minute with me if they’re ’in the weeds’, I will tip generously.
Why would you have wanted her to feel like a fool? She didn’t know you left cash. Why not just tell her? Or write “CASH” on the tip line of the receipt? (That’s what I do.) If you really left her a generous tip, why be passive-aggressive at the register? I’m just understanding the point. Like an earlier person wrote above, these people make $2.13 an hour. If she asked all those questions, it’s becuz she takes pride in her work and becuz the tip is important. Maybe it’s good you didn’t go back there…
In Canada, servers make $15/hour. I didn’t say anything because of how she handled it. A tip is not a right. I was a server for many years. I would never have pestered a customer at the door.
I feel compelled to share that the US Department of Labor regulations state that “an employer of a tipped employee is only required to pay $2.13 per hour in direct wages if that amount combined with the tips received at least equals the federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour. Thirteen states take advantage of those guidelines and pay servers $2.13 an hour. If you stiff your server, she/he waited on you for $2.13.