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Janee Jarrell's avatar

Ditto, here. I have great neighbors, young, with two earnest young people for children. The husband comes over and changes lightbulbs and AC filters for me. And there are friends from church, one lives down the street and was helpful when my husband, Mark was so ill and has remained so. Another neighbor keeps tabs on me, a retired Secret Service agent, older than me. I worry more about him than he does about me.

I share the "who to call" in a medical emergency and power of attorney questions. I think that is one reason why I'm moving back to my home state of Pennsylvania. My sister and brother are both older than me but I have nieces I am close to. Once I am moved, I will sort this out.

I might consider training the dog to dial 911.

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Jodi Sh. Doff's avatar

I'm sorry babes. I can't imagine how painful it would be to not have children when you wanted them in the deep folds of your heart, but I can feel it in your writing. To be widowed. My person, my lifeline, he died over ten years ago and I also put off the paperwork needed to make sure I don't end up somewhere or some condition I don't want. Who to name? Who to have as an alternate? No siblings, no kids, no parter. It took a while, and some restructuring of my thought process, but it's all done and I'm feeling good about it. I hope you find your people and once again I will mention the dog. I couldn't come home to an empty home, but it has never felt empty with critters in it. At my lowest, the "lost" years, having the critters kept me alive, because I'm made a commitment to them. Unconditional love. It goes a long way.

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Patti Petersen's avatar

I was alone on Easter also. My husband was on the road and he's gone a lot. I don't have children either. In my particular case I want to surround myself with friends and don't regret having a family. I wasn't the mother type. What I do miss are my parents. I've never really gotten over losing them, and maybe if I had a family I might have, who knows? It's really hard trying to make good friends at 67, but I'm not giving up. I do have a best friend, and this is recent. I've lived in this area for almost five years - not my happy place. When my husband retires one of the first on my agenda is to find an active community with amenities. That will be the easiest way (for me) to connect with like-minded people. I can't just make friends with "anyone" I need something more than superficial or persons who live through their children and grandchildren.

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Trevy Thomas's avatar

I wonder about these active communities forming a built-in solution. Isn't that exactly what you describe you don't want: making friends with just anyone?

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Patti Petersen's avatar

Having something in common is a place to start. If there are activities such as poker, water ballet, collage, it's a way to start a conversation vs random chance meeting and exchanging info about grandkids, aches and pains.

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Trevy Thomas's avatar

Yes, I can see that part. It basically brings a pool of people together.

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Patti Petersen's avatar

It's a start, anyway. What I like about it is that it's common ground, and the interests give us something to participate in, other than just straight up talking. If we don't mesh, that's okay, we still have that particular interest as a common denominator.

I am currently living in an area where socializing seems to gravitate around eating, spectating sports, and family gathering... nothing I'm particularly interested in doing.

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Shaz's avatar

This piece of writing really moved me, Sue. I really felt the pain of your situation, and also felt my own.

Whilst I have my husband, the older I get the dilemmas of not being able to have children feel more acute. No siblings, a very small and not close family mean not being thought about at significant times of the year.

And who to ask to make decisions for me in future, should I outlive my other half?! Hope you find someone to do that for you.

Thanks for sharing this x

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Suzie Smith's avatar

I am married but we do not have any children. Not really by choice, just the way it happened. Both sets of parents are deceased but have some immediate family close by. No one in my family initiates contact unless someone has died. I mostly keep in touch by text. My husband's sister was diagnosed with Alzheimer's last year and I try to encourage him to reach out more now. I am concerned about my husband if I die before him. He does not really have any close male friends. I am in a recovery program so I have people I can always reach out to. He and I really need to have a serious discussion now to set up all the legal stuff.

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Susan Klemm's avatar

Oh Sue, I appreciate what you call whining. It makes me feel that the similar version I go through is normal for a person faced with the circumstance I am. Being normal is a great comfort to me. So thank you, so much to say but for now, thank you!

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Laurie Schnebly's avatar

I kind of envy people who marry so late in life that they're fully aware being together "till death do us part" is likely to happen within a comparatively short time. Starting out, nobody thinks about that and yet half of us who marry (even if we have children) DO wind up alone.

Being sad about that seems like not just an excusable thing, but a validating thing. It doesn't mean we don't trust God in the long run; it just means that right now we're hurting and He totally gets that!

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Amy Cowen's avatar

I sure wish it was easier to have whatever kind of community it takes to be able to fill out those forms. It's so complicated - and so stressful. I think there is room to feel sad about being alone in ways you don't want to be and lots of people are in the same boat and have trouble with certain kids of holidays. I hope you are feeling better

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Trevy Thomas's avatar

I don't think a friend needs to be a best friend in order to be asked to help with your medical directives. And while I'm not a hundred percent sure, I think you can get a lawyer to do this for you too.

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Becky E.'s avatar

I hope you can find something that gives you peace. Perhaps volunteering at a shelter or nursing home on holidays would help you feel less alone. Another program here that helps you meet people and make a difference in their life is Meals on Wheels, which delivers hot meals to people who are unable to get out of their homes.

But, I totally feel your pain. My husband is still with me and I'm so happy for that. It's our second marriage, 20 years now, and we have 6 children between us and 10 grandchildren. The sad thing is that the closest ones to us are 800 miles away. Needless to say, we almost never get to have family gatherings at all. Like someone else said, I'm watching my grandchildren grow up on Facebook. What makes it even harder is that they all have big families where they are though marriage or step families. Seeing all their holiday celebrations on Facebook is tough. I know my grief over being left out is not nearly as acute as yours. But I try to be thankful that our family is all healthy and happy and to go on with our lives thankful for what we do have. I hope you are able to find an advocate soon so you have one less thing to cause you worry.

Be gentle with yourself and try to find things you can do for yourself that make you feel happy and special.

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Debbie Weiss's avatar

I so relate to this from my earlier days as a widow. Holidays were the hardest and it felt like everyone else was having a more connected life with loved ones and brunches. I never did figure out a way to get through holidays on my own without being really sad. I’ve been with my second life partner for six years now and honestly it made life much easier. I think part of why I put so much effort into dating and searching was the pain of being alone sometimes.

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Teresa Parmenter's avatar

Thank you for sharing. You are not alone. I’ve experienced much joy and grief from step children. I’ve tried so hard to give everything I can only to be alone and shut out from their lives and the lives from my step grandchildren whom I helped raise. We must go on and continue to shine where we can. My hope trust lay with God the Father, Jesus our Lord , and the Holy Spirit . 🙏🏻 But yes, I want to scream sometimes

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Sue Fagalde Lick's avatar

What would we do without God? But a good scream can really help, so let it out.

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Teresa Parmenter's avatar

I pray a lot too! Thank you

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JoAnn Jarman's avatar

Did you say you had a good friend nearby? If so, definitely ask her. I am my best friend's person and am proud to do this for her. Of course, I may go first, but I was honored she chose me to advocate and make sure her wishes are followed. I'm not telling you what to do, I can only speak to how I feel. I hope it works out for you. 🫂

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Sue Fagalde Lick's avatar

Unfortunately, my best friend moved to California, and her health has not been good. So, I have many friends but not a best friend here. I'm happy for you and your friend. That's terrific.

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Sharon Bonn's avatar

These are questions I ask too and I have family but it’s complicated. My husband is 15 years older so I know my time alone is coming. I am thankful for now while also concerned for later. I so appreciate your writing I can relate to so much of it. Hang in there you are a lovely person.

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Sue Fagalde Lick's avatar

Thank you. Sharon.enjoy every minute with your husband.

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Sharon Bonn's avatar

Thank you I do my best to 😊

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Lisa Frame's avatar

Oh, Sue. I really wish I could hug you. I think about these things. I have a son, but he’s in law school and it looks like he will be moving away. The rest of my family is two hours away, so closer. But when I slipped and fell getting out of the shower because I did not dry off my feet and hit the floor soaking wet yesterday I lay there wondering what would have happened had I really hurt myself and been all alone. Or knocked myself out…

None of my friends live close. Just know I’m sending big hugs and so much love.

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Sue Fagalde Lick's avatar

Thank you, Lisa. I'm glad you didn't get hurt badly. Getting in and out of the shower and the tub are so tricky. I have a rug right outside of my shower, but I step very carefully.

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Lisa Frame's avatar

I have one and I ran right past it because I thought I heard the oven going off for a cake. Tonight I have been looking at nonslip tile

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Lou Dunham's avatar

I know how hard it is. Sometimes (often) I feel really angry about being alone by fate, not by choice.

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Patricia Stephens's avatar

The person to handle your estate, i.e., where your piano will end up, and any medical directives you have, could be an estate attorney. If you don’t already have one, check around and see if you can find one you have a good feel for. Maybe that can help put your mind at ease. Best wishes! 😚

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Sue Fagalde Lick's avatar

Amen.

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