I relate to so much of this, even though I have a partner. We have no kids, and no extended family on this side of the globe. Christmas is always a grief trigger for me on multiple different levels, and nothing ever feels quite right. Thanks for giving voice to this. I think there are many more of us that feel this way, despite the images the media portrays of happy families. I usually opt for the 'orphans' Christmas and invite a random collection of waifs and strays.
As an 85 year old widow I absolutelly LOVE being alone. Holidays and any other days. When everyone was living, my houses was the place for the holidays. But now I simply do whatever I want that includes cooking or not, watching Netflix all day, getting dressed or simply lounging around in my pj's or whatever I want.
Thanksgiving was always my favorite meal to cook. First a few years I didn’t do a turkey. I had taken advantage of every leftover turkey idea available one year, ending with turkey soup that I thought I would never run out of. After that I totally lost my taste for turkey for maybe three or four years. Last year I did a turkey again and it was great, but no turkey soup. This year it’s more complicated. I expected to order a 10-12-pound bird from Whole Foods as I’ve done many times in the past, only this year they only allowed people to order online, and the smallest birds they offered were 14-16 pounds. That’s too much turkey for me. So I’m taking a chance that they will have smaller ones on Monday in their chiller displays and I can buy one then. Otherwise I’ll have to get a bigger bird and freeze the meat I can’t eat. I prefer fresh birds that haven’t been frozen.
I have no problem making my dinner and eating it by myself. My son will call from California so it’ll be nice. I used to invite friends for the meal but the friends I have here in Chicago all make other plans. The cooking takes all the energy I have. Then I don’t need to cook for days. That’s the best part.
I'm in a recovery program, which I lean on very heavily especially during the holidays. I'm able to call or text someone just to reach out. I'm always relieved though on January 2nd.
Thank you for this. We spent part of last week in an attorneys office facing the very real possibility I will be alone for much of my elderhood. I hadn’t considered holidays as my parents are still here and while definitely slowing down at an astonishing rate I still go to help make the holidays happen there. Food for thought since we are in the midst of making long range plans.
I really don’t like Christmas but like yourself I’m trying to find bits I do like. This year is my first year of not people pleasing! And it feels good and a lot less stressful!
I had to search Dutch babies and was thankful the internet didn’t just show me babies who are Dutch. I have never heard of these before and feel like I haven’t lived! I love pancakes and I love Yorkshire puddings!
Sometimes being with people just for the sake of not being alone makes the loneliness more amplified. My approach to these situations was always to plan ahead, not just wing it. My planning always included animals but also something special to eat (whether or not I cooked it), drink (back in my champagne days), watch and read. It might also include new pajamas or longewear for the day, new music, and a new activity or art project in case I felt like doing that. With enough options and planning, the day goes fast and you might be surprised to enjoy some of it. Make sure your day of driving in bad weather is really going to be better than what you might create for yourself at home. Best wishes, everyone❤️
In my single years, I spent many Thanksgivings alone and really enjoyed it. I would take a long walk, cook myself a special dinner, relax, read, and thoroughly savor the solitude and leisure of the day.
Christmas, on the other hand, I do love to spend with family, and it would be hard if they weren't around. But I think I would either seek out friends, or try to make the day special and cozy like those old Thanksgivings.
I was going to say "Orphan dinner" but then I saw it in your list. With caring for mom, at this point it's too hard to go somewhere with her, or make something here. I miss the camaraderie more than the food, but this year, I bought cranberry sauce, cornbread stuffing, roasted vegetables and turkey (some, not a whole one!) from Trader Joes, and I'ma make my own Thanksgiving dinner after she goes to sleep, or maybe as I feed her the pureed dinner she gets. But, I do look forward to joining a friends family dinner again, the way I used to before this chapter.
I would think with your connection to music and the church, you'd have a lot available to you, but I've never been where you are. I've never had a long loving relationship as part of my history. Maybe this is the new chapter. Maybe Christmas Eve you find your way to the shelter and find the doggo who needs you.
Thanks so much for this Sue. This is my first holiday season alone. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it since I only have one friend where I live and she stays busy with family during the holidays. I can't eat in restaurants or even have anything remotely resembling a typical holiday meal, so that really limits me socially, not just for the holidays, but all the time. I plan to decorate, for starters, and go to a festival at the local crafts center. I'm also going to look for other free events to attend. But staying home and streaming movies sounds great, so I'll probably do that on the day. Hope you have as good a holiday as you can. :)
I am decorating, but not much. As a solo person I am spending turkey day with beloved friends, but not long. Much of my day will involve work, because right now I have to. Everyone else is having their own meltdowns about having to be with family who voted "wrong," or otherwise committed some offense. There is NOTHING EASY about the holidays. Frankly, Sue, I for one am tired of the false sales job that pitches all those happy people around a big table. In a world full of singles, that's no longer reality. What we make of an oversold holiday is what's real. Above all, I am so damned lucky to have a roof, food, transportation, a dog, and neighbors who just texted me to have turkey day with them, but I am already committed. It's what we make of it. I am fully aware that those of us who are widowed and whose families did indeed have big celebrations, it is a very difficult time. Holidays for me have largely been solo, and I have largely just worked. They are just another day. Perhaps that's a loss but in other ways, it's really not. I truly hear you, and I wish you the best of all experiences.
Thank you, Julia. You have nailed it. I'm tired of the happy-family fantasy being imposed on us. For so many, it's not like that at all. Except for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I usually work through the holidays, too. I'm most comfortable at my desk or at the piano. May your days go well.
I agree, holidays alone are challenging. However, during COVID I realized I could do it. I bought myself my favourite treats and watched movies and cuddled with my dog and stopped myself from ruminating on past picture postcard family holidays. You give some really good tips here, so thank you. After all, it’s just another day so we have to accept our new normal and not get caught up in the insane commercialization and marketing of it. And definitely stay off social media and anything viewing that has commercials!
I totally agree. It comes back to comparison, which we talked about a while back. When we start comparing this year to our holidays in the past or to what it seems everyone else is doing, it's upsetting. If we just focus on making a good day for ourselves, we'll be find.
I so appreciate you sharing your experience and advice, Sue. Thank you!
Last Christmas I was newly widowed and newly 55. My son lives four hours away and spends Christmas day at his home with his wife. I suggested to my mother (also widowed) that we travel because it was going to be a rough holiday no matter what, so let's try something new. She chose to spend the holiday in a cabin in a state park. It was one of the worst ideas that we ever had. Nothing like sitting in a dark cabin in the woods with no one around to make you miserable. We decided to drive 3 hours back home on Christmas morning. It was such a relief to be home!
So this year, we've decided to spend the day at home in our pajamas, watching tv and reading books. My husband was like yours, he LOVED Christmas, so the day will still be difficult, but I'm going to lean into the Norwegian idea of hygge.
I think being willing to pivot is essential when you're trying to learn how to find a new way through this life. That's why I so appreciate hearing your thoughts on your journey. Thank you again <3
Thank you, Tammy. As I try to make reservations for next week and keep getting dire reports about the weather I'll need to drive through, your staying home in your pjs plan sounds better and better.
I relate to so much of this, even though I have a partner. We have no kids, and no extended family on this side of the globe. Christmas is always a grief trigger for me on multiple different levels, and nothing ever feels quite right. Thanks for giving voice to this. I think there are many more of us that feel this way, despite the images the media portrays of happy families. I usually opt for the 'orphans' Christmas and invite a random collection of waifs and strays.
I'm in a similar situation myself, Vicki. And yes, I feel that grief trigger too.
As an 85 year old widow I absolutelly LOVE being alone. Holidays and any other days. When everyone was living, my houses was the place for the holidays. But now I simply do whatever I want that includes cooking or not, watching Netflix all day, getting dressed or simply lounging around in my pj's or whatever I want.
Life is good :)
It’s been 9 years since I was partnered thru the holidays, and yes it’s still so very odd.
Most of the odd happens when I remember what I dreamed it would be when I was this old.
As I’m able to let go of those old dreams, I can accept peacefully what is here, a day to give thanks for what I still have.
Thanksgiving was always my favorite meal to cook. First a few years I didn’t do a turkey. I had taken advantage of every leftover turkey idea available one year, ending with turkey soup that I thought I would never run out of. After that I totally lost my taste for turkey for maybe three or four years. Last year I did a turkey again and it was great, but no turkey soup. This year it’s more complicated. I expected to order a 10-12-pound bird from Whole Foods as I’ve done many times in the past, only this year they only allowed people to order online, and the smallest birds they offered were 14-16 pounds. That’s too much turkey for me. So I’m taking a chance that they will have smaller ones on Monday in their chiller displays and I can buy one then. Otherwise I’ll have to get a bigger bird and freeze the meat I can’t eat. I prefer fresh birds that haven’t been frozen.
I have no problem making my dinner and eating it by myself. My son will call from California so it’ll be nice. I used to invite friends for the meal but the friends I have here in Chicago all make other plans. The cooking takes all the energy I have. Then I don’t need to cook for days. That’s the best part.
I'm in a recovery program, which I lean on very heavily especially during the holidays. I'm able to call or text someone just to reach out. I'm always relieved though on January 2nd.
Sending love and light this holiday season!
I'm sending you love and light, too. Thank you for including us in your story.
Thank you for this. We spent part of last week in an attorneys office facing the very real possibility I will be alone for much of my elderhood. I hadn’t considered holidays as my parents are still here and while definitely slowing down at an astonishing rate I still go to help make the holidays happen there. Food for thought since we are in the midst of making long range plans.
I really don’t like Christmas but like yourself I’m trying to find bits I do like. This year is my first year of not people pleasing! And it feels good and a lot less stressful!
I had to search Dutch babies and was thankful the internet didn’t just show me babies who are Dutch. I have never heard of these before and feel like I haven’t lived! I love pancakes and I love Yorkshire puddings!
Sometimes being with people just for the sake of not being alone makes the loneliness more amplified. My approach to these situations was always to plan ahead, not just wing it. My planning always included animals but also something special to eat (whether or not I cooked it), drink (back in my champagne days), watch and read. It might also include new pajamas or longewear for the day, new music, and a new activity or art project in case I felt like doing that. With enough options and planning, the day goes fast and you might be surprised to enjoy some of it. Make sure your day of driving in bad weather is really going to be better than what you might create for yourself at home. Best wishes, everyone❤️
In my single years, I spent many Thanksgivings alone and really enjoyed it. I would take a long walk, cook myself a special dinner, relax, read, and thoroughly savor the solitude and leisure of the day.
Christmas, on the other hand, I do love to spend with family, and it would be hard if they weren't around. But I think I would either seek out friends, or try to make the day special and cozy like those old Thanksgivings.
I was going to say "Orphan dinner" but then I saw it in your list. With caring for mom, at this point it's too hard to go somewhere with her, or make something here. I miss the camaraderie more than the food, but this year, I bought cranberry sauce, cornbread stuffing, roasted vegetables and turkey (some, not a whole one!) from Trader Joes, and I'ma make my own Thanksgiving dinner after she goes to sleep, or maybe as I feed her the pureed dinner she gets. But, I do look forward to joining a friends family dinner again, the way I used to before this chapter.
I would think with your connection to music and the church, you'd have a lot available to you, but I've never been where you are. I've never had a long loving relationship as part of my history. Maybe this is the new chapter. Maybe Christmas Eve you find your way to the shelter and find the doggo who needs you.
Thanks so much for this Sue. This is my first holiday season alone. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it since I only have one friend where I live and she stays busy with family during the holidays. I can't eat in restaurants or even have anything remotely resembling a typical holiday meal, so that really limits me socially, not just for the holidays, but all the time. I plan to decorate, for starters, and go to a festival at the local crafts center. I'm also going to look for other free events to attend. But staying home and streaming movies sounds great, so I'll probably do that on the day. Hope you have as good a holiday as you can. :)
I am decorating, but not much. As a solo person I am spending turkey day with beloved friends, but not long. Much of my day will involve work, because right now I have to. Everyone else is having their own meltdowns about having to be with family who voted "wrong," or otherwise committed some offense. There is NOTHING EASY about the holidays. Frankly, Sue, I for one am tired of the false sales job that pitches all those happy people around a big table. In a world full of singles, that's no longer reality. What we make of an oversold holiday is what's real. Above all, I am so damned lucky to have a roof, food, transportation, a dog, and neighbors who just texted me to have turkey day with them, but I am already committed. It's what we make of it. I am fully aware that those of us who are widowed and whose families did indeed have big celebrations, it is a very difficult time. Holidays for me have largely been solo, and I have largely just worked. They are just another day. Perhaps that's a loss but in other ways, it's really not. I truly hear you, and I wish you the best of all experiences.
Thank you, Julia. You have nailed it. I'm tired of the happy-family fantasy being imposed on us. For so many, it's not like that at all. Except for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I usually work through the holidays, too. I'm most comfortable at my desk or at the piano. May your days go well.
I agree, holidays alone are challenging. However, during COVID I realized I could do it. I bought myself my favourite treats and watched movies and cuddled with my dog and stopped myself from ruminating on past picture postcard family holidays. You give some really good tips here, so thank you. After all, it’s just another day so we have to accept our new normal and not get caught up in the insane commercialization and marketing of it. And definitely stay off social media and anything viewing that has commercials!
I totally agree. It comes back to comparison, which we talked about a while back. When we start comparing this year to our holidays in the past or to what it seems everyone else is doing, it's upsetting. If we just focus on making a good day for ourselves, we'll be find.
I so appreciate you sharing your experience and advice, Sue. Thank you!
Last Christmas I was newly widowed and newly 55. My son lives four hours away and spends Christmas day at his home with his wife. I suggested to my mother (also widowed) that we travel because it was going to be a rough holiday no matter what, so let's try something new. She chose to spend the holiday in a cabin in a state park. It was one of the worst ideas that we ever had. Nothing like sitting in a dark cabin in the woods with no one around to make you miserable. We decided to drive 3 hours back home on Christmas morning. It was such a relief to be home!
So this year, we've decided to spend the day at home in our pajamas, watching tv and reading books. My husband was like yours, he LOVED Christmas, so the day will still be difficult, but I'm going to lean into the Norwegian idea of hygge.
I think being willing to pivot is essential when you're trying to learn how to find a new way through this life. That's why I so appreciate hearing your thoughts on your journey. Thank you again <3
Thank you, Tammy. As I try to make reservations for next week and keep getting dire reports about the weather I'll need to drive through, your staying home in your pjs plan sounds better and better.
thank you for this! I just gave this essay a shout-out on my latest post!
Thank you!