We All Want to be The Golden Girls
Would Sharing a Home Work for You?
Ask women if they’re worried about aging alone, and half of them will say they plan to do the Golden Girls thing, sharing a home with other women who will love and care for each other.
“The Golden Girls” was a TV sitcom. The four women who shared a home were all healthy, attractive, smart, financially stable, and able to work out any problem in a half hour, minus time for commercials. They lived in a very nice house in a nice neighborhood. We didn’t see most of the rooms, but there must have been at least four bedrooms. It’s all very appealing, but is it realistic?
Let’s talk about another group of TV friends, the women from “Sex and the City”. Could they live together? No way. Miranda’s fussy, Samantha’s too loose, Carrie is obsessed with fashion and her love life, and Charlotte is too straight-laced. They all have male overnight guests, and that would certainly make things messy. When Carrie is about to lose her place, Miranda lends her money. Would she ever say, “Hey, come live with me”? Heck no.
Having roommates in college and early career days is common, but do we want to go back to sharing a home after decades of living independently? Sharing a house where you can keep most of your stuff, along with your pets, sounds better than moving into a cubbyhole in some variation of what we used to call “the old folks home,” but would we really want to do it?
Some people have no choice. They simply can’t afford to keep their homes by themselves. They have health problems and worry about being alone. What if they need help? If they have spare rooms and other people need a place to stay, why not share?
Yes, but . . .
I look around my ranch-style house with its tiny bedrooms, all full of my stuff. Where would I put a roommate and all of her belongings? Could they live in the family room, which has no nearby bathroom and no door? Adjustments could be made, but do I want to do that? I like my space and my privacy.
How do you figure out who you could live with? This article from USA Today talks about “The Golden Girls” and “Grace and Frankie,” a more recent show starring Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin. But in the latter situation, Frankie moved in with Grace because she had nowhere else to go after their husbands declared they were in love with each other. Grace and Frankie drove each other nuts, despite living in a posh beach house with lots of room.
The USA Today article discusses agencies that help homeowners with empty rooms to find appropriate renters. There are also matching services, much like dating services, that link renters and rentees. The agencies do background checks and gather information to find people who are compatible. Early or late sleepers? Social or not? Dogs or cats? Etc.
Does it work? In some cases. This article from Generations Journal says proper vetting of potential housemates helps eliminate many of the worries. But it takes time for people to develop relationships like the fictional ones on “The Golden Girls.”
If one person owns the house and the other rents a room or two, does the renter ever really feel at home? Clearly, you don’t just U-Haul their stuff into your house. Boundaries need to be set and legalities need to be made clear. Homeshare Oregon, which serves anyone over age 18, vets potential roomies and offers a homesharing agreement template. Working through an agency seems safer than trying to free-form it on your own.
Somehow for me, the idea of sharing my house with strangers does not sound inviting. Wouldn’t it be better to share with people who are already friends? Maybe if we bought a home together that didn’t have personal connections to any one of us and that had private spaces for each of us . . . Why is this starting to sound like moving in with a romantic partner?
Sharing a home sounds like a good idea in many ways. It would be advantageous to share expenses and chores and help each other, but I’m very territorial about my space. Don’t touch my stuff! I’m more attracted to a situation where I have my own private living quarters surrounded by other people in their private living quarters but we gather in a common area for meals, social activities and helping each other. But I want it to feel like a real home, not like the next step before a nursing home.
I will be looking into the possibilities in future posts, but let’s talk about it. Men, too. Would you consider sharing a home with others to help with costs and avoid being alone? Would this happen in the home you already have or elsewhere? What would be the advantages? What problems do you worry about? Do you know someone who is sharing a home like “The Golden Girls”?
Additional reading:
“Oregon Home Share Matches Seniors with Spare with Those Needing House”
“Senior Homeshares: The Pros and Cons”
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How did I end up alone? I didn’t have any kids. After my husband and I retired to the Oregon coast, far from family, he died of Alzheimer’s. You can read our story in my forthcoming memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, coming out on June 25—two weeks from now. Preorder the book at your favorite bookseller. Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.
Indeed. I have long-time friends (only one remains now, though) who each sold their homes and bought a place together. They were both retired and alone, one widowed and the other single; both childless and with few relatives, and none nearby. They worked it all out with an attorney and had many happy years of companionship. When one contracted a debilitating illness, her housemate was right there, every step of the way. It can work if the people are "the right people."
I think about where and how I'll live as I age, a lot. I'm also single, childless, an only child. The most likely candidate for co-housing would be my 30+ yr BFF, we vacation well, but we've shared a beach house for many summers and some things are just, well deal breakers. I don't like it about myself, but I'm "there's a place for everything and everything in its place" kind of gal. I picked it up from my dad. It's never one of my prouder moments. BFF on the other hand is well, it would be Felix Unger /Oscar Madison all over again, but with boobs. And minus the humor.
My mother blossomed in her assisted living. It was one of her/our best decisions. She made friends, had activities, someone arranging all the to-do things and a beautiful apartment to retreat to.
I think I'd like something in the middle. A small community with lots of shared spaces. I don't want to HAVE to eat with people every night. But I don't want to be alone every night either. Oy.