Indeed. I have long-time friends (only one remains now, though) who each sold their homes and bought a place together. They were both retired and alone, one widowed and the other single; both childless and with few relatives, and none nearby. They worked it all out with an attorney and had many happy years of companionship. When one contracted a debilitating illness, her housemate was right there, every step of the way. It can work if the people are "the right people."
I think about where and how I'll live as I age, a lot. I'm also single, childless, an only child. The most likely candidate for co-housing would be my 30+ yr BFF, we vacation well, but we've shared a beach house for many summers and some things are just, well deal breakers. I don't like it about myself, but I'm "there's a place for everything and everything in its place" kind of gal. I picked it up from my dad. It's never one of my prouder moments. BFF on the other hand is well, it would be Felix Unger /Oscar Madison all over again, but with boobs. And minus the humor.
My mother blossomed in her assisted living. It was one of her/our best decisions. She made friends, had activities, someone arranging all the to-do things and a beautiful apartment to retreat to.
I think I'd like something in the middle. A small community with lots of shared spaces. I don't want to HAVE to eat with people every night. But I don't want to be alone every night either. Oy.
I always took for granted that living with a few friends in the same house, as we grew older, would have been awesome, until I moved to Berlin for a while... Sharing apartments is very common practice there, due to the crazy prices, and whoever already lives in a shared flat is super picky about new people coming in. At the beginning I thougth it was a bit extreme but then I understood that being so selective is necessary, and even like that sharing can be challenging. After all I go on holiday by myself most of the time, because even the best friendships may come to an end if you are together 24/7. I guess one has to get paricularly lucky in order to find even just one person to live with, without driving each others crazy😅
I live alone - well with my two cats - in a two bedroom apartment. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband for 63 years until he died. Right now, I relish living alone and will do everything I can to maintain that arrangement. However, if it came to the point of needing more care then, I would choose in-home care rather than going to a facility, and before living with my children.
I was lucky enough, when I first realized I was going to be childless, to find an online group with others in the same situation (back in 2001!) and make friends with some wonderful women that I'm still in touch with today. We used to joke about setting up a Golden Girls house (and about hiring a cabana boy to look after us, lol), although nobody's mentioned it in quite a while. Personally, I would prefer to live on my own as long as I can, should anything happen to my husband.
One of my former coworkers, now in her 70s, is childless, although she has adult stepchildren & grandchildren from two different relationships. Her longtime partner recently passed away and she is clearing out their house with the intention of selling. There's a new 55+ community being built in her community, and she'll be moving in there once it's done. I believe operates as a "life lease" arrangement -- you put in a certain amount of money as a lump sum, and then your monthly rent amount is determined according to how much you put in up front. If & when you leave, you get your lump sum back. (Not sure if you get any interest on that!) There are different sizes of units. You can make all your meals yourself or dine in the communal dining room, and there are all kinds of community activities and amenities for your use. You can participate as much or as little as you like. I think something like that sounds ideal, albeit it's not cheap, of course.
I tried this once, about 15 years ago. I was renting a large place. She was a friend, and very respectful.
I imagine that what led us in the wrong direction tho was the way we imagined being in the space together. I pictured having dinner together, or watching a movie, or having a card game. She cooked at odd hours, ate dinner alone in her bedroom and had boxes (I mean LOTS of boxes) she filled the hallway and loving room with while she “sorted”. It was okay at first, but then after many months of said boxes living there, and not diminishing, I finally asked what her plan was. She got upset, and moved all the boxes either into her bedroom or her shower. And we rarely sat together anywhere again in the house. I don’t think I would do this again.
Good piece, Sue, I love how you've gone into detail about the drawbacks and possible pitfalls of sharing a home - on both sides. Over the past 10 years or so, I've been a lodger with a Spanish owner in his flat in Madrid for two years(felt like being a student again, but it ws the start of a big new phase of my life so that was OK); we hit it off from the start, having our rows and complaints, but never anything terminal. He was very sensitive to my situation as lodger and always referred to me as his flatmate and friend. While travelling in Europe, I've stayed with several friends/family in their homes and learned how to adapt and fit in with other people's lifestyles, which has sometimes been uncomfortable and I've realised that people have habits I couldn't live with, especially if my housing security depended on them. I've lived for almost a year with a friend, because I had no choice, when I became ill and couldn't be alone. It was very challenging, even though she was well-meaning and generous.
I've thought long and hard about my future living needs and preferences and find that my options are very limited. I don't own any property. Co-housing schemes, where you have your own unit and can share as much common life as you like (with a compulsory minimum contribution of time and effort to communal life) sound ideal, yes, of course. The principle is wonderful, and such schemes are growing and developing here in the UK. But - and i've done a lot of research - they're out of the question. Most units are to buy, not rent, and are often above market rate in order to recoup the cost of building and running the development. Barely any are available to rent, because this can only be done by finding some kind of housing association, local council or charity to buy the units and act as landlord. There are a couple of schemes that have more equitable funding models, but these struggle to maintain financial stability, I'm told.
I can't let my tiny spare room out to anyone because my contract doesn't allow it. So, far from being the ageing owner who can take in a lodger or someone to share my home, even if I could tolerate it I am that lodger/sharer, who would be living in someone else's space and feeling constantly aware that I need to do everything as they require. Like a Victorian governess. Alternatives? A house share, find another renter? How to find someone compatible in all the necessary aspects? Feels like looking for a needle in a haystack. I take comfort from the noble and proud figure of Jane Eyre, but I fear there will not be a Mr Rochester to give me my happy ending.
Maybe things are different in the US and/or Canada... I feel so envious when I read of people like the friends of the writer below, who were 'the right people'. I can't help but think that the chances of achieving that are similar to the chances of meeting 'the right' partner - a matter of good fortune.
Julie, thank you for sharing your story. The only time I was on your side of the equation, looking for a room to rent in a house, the options were terrible. In one situation, I declined the room but started a relationship with the landlord that ended quite badly. It is not easy to find the right place with the right people. I believe it's the same in the U.S. as in the UK.
I hope I can age at home. I am married with no children. I grew up with three older sisters, no brothers. I moved out on my own at age 22, after sharing a bedroom with one sister up to that point. Was on my own until hubby moved in with me at age 36. No thanks on a "golden girls" arrangement! I'm not really close to any of my siblings. We get along ok but they never reach out, I'm always making the first move. This is not self-pity, just facts. I had an aunt who lived to 99 who was married but never had children. She was able to find an arrangement of independent living where she had her own apartment but could do shared meals if she chose. If I was forced to, I would hope I could afford such an arrangement.
Yes. I never shared a room growing up, and I think that makes it harder for me to share now. I don't even like to share a motel room. I had an aunt who lived to 100. Her sister, who made it to 101, lived in her own house on the same street. They were there for each other, but not in each other's faces all the time.
Such a very difficult decision to make. I like my own space and have lived very well with my husband for the past 20 years, but roommates in college were never a great experience for me.
I am an only child and although consider myself an extrovert, I appreciate my alone time too.
Living in a community amongst others like myself with separate and shared spaces, would be ideal.
I am hopeful I will be able to find that place when the time comes.
Have you heard of Baba Yaga House? It’s in a Paris suburb. A group of women of age got together and through sheer will, got this building done. They are women of age only, they have small flats with kitchens and which are fully self contained, but common areas as well. They take care of each other as they age. Men can visit of course, but not spend the night. They have committees (as a coop would) and do things like set up grocery trips, activities etc, but it is all governed by the residents. I could be down with something like that.
Not if I can in the smallest possible way avoid it. Every roommate situation I’ve ever had has been an absolute nightmare. My home is my sacred space. I don’t want anyone else in it, unless they are very, very special to me, out most of the time and just visiting. I’m quite a homebody and I would be very hard for anyone to take for an extended period of time. Plus, I don’t want to have to mind my Ps and Qs all the time. I *need* my own space. I would just feel terrible if I had to put the burden of me on anyone. I’m firmly in the no camp!
Thanks, Sue. It came from a discussion, that line, with other people of Nature Based Faiths, on just that — sacred space. While many held that their garden, forest, beach, river was there sacred spot, I live in Canada. Realistically, I can’t spend much time outdoors for half the year. And I don’t have a room in my townhouse for ritual/prayer etc, so another and I agreed that our whole homes are sacred. Following from this, it’s easy to see why I am reluctant (or dead set) against sharing it with just anyone.
Interesting topic, Sue. Really enjoying your work!
I'm 66, I've been married for 48 years, and I have 2 adult child, one of whom( a daughter) who lives with us. I haven't really thought of what I will do, where I will live and with whom, should I find myself spouseless one day. I love reading your substack writings, Sue... I've learned a lot about the strength and resiliency of people( women in particular) when faced with seemingly impossible and usually much less than ideal situations in life.
I pre-ordered your book and am very much looking forward to reading it later this month. My mom, my mother in law and several aunts had lewey body dementia and/ or Alzheimers and are recently deceased ( all 5 of them passed in the last 5 years)
In her last 10 years of life, my mom had several" co-morbidities" , but she was an avid reader until Macular Degeneration made that impossible, and she loved to take long walks until severe spinal stenosis ended that...she passed at the age of 91.
The "happy part" of this story was that several years after being widowed, while she was still relatively healthy, after living with myself and my husband for 4 years, my mom decided she wanted to" give us our space" in our retirement, so we could travel without worrying about her health and safety.
After doing some research, we found her a wonderful Senior Living Community that was like living in a hotel with a shared dining room, where you could eat 3 meals a day in the company of others, if you chose to. If you chose to cook for yourself, there were 4 " country kitchens" on property. Ordering groceries or meals from area restaurants , to be delivered, was also a choice.There was plenty of parking for those who were still driving . There was no nursing staff, it wasn't assisted living, you had to be able to live independently. Each apt had a refrigerator, microwave and space for a crockpot / air fryer/ toaster oven. There was a hairdresser/ barber on the premises, as well as a gym, a library, a movie viewing room, and a pub- where happy hour was celebrated daily ( BYOB) or your choice of a glass of red or white wine! In the courtyard were several raised gardens to plant and cultivate flowers or veggies and there was a community bus for trips to area restaurants, wineries, malls, casinos,etc.
I really like the set up and the choice of being able to socialize ( or not...which would most likely be my personal choice, lol ) as well as the fact that the price is fairly reasonable, currently at approx $4k monthly ( includes rent, 3 meals per day, electricity, phone, wi-fi heat, A/C etc.) not a horrible deal, given that it's Connecticut- not an inexpensive state to live in.
I think this type of independent, senior living would suit most people, as there are many choices available within it. I'm keeping it in mind for my future, if/ when it becomes necessary.
Indeed. I have long-time friends (only one remains now, though) who each sold their homes and bought a place together. They were both retired and alone, one widowed and the other single; both childless and with few relatives, and none nearby. They worked it all out with an attorney and had many happy years of companionship. When one contracted a debilitating illness, her housemate was right there, every step of the way. It can work if the people are "the right people."
That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing this, Annis.
I think about where and how I'll live as I age, a lot. I'm also single, childless, an only child. The most likely candidate for co-housing would be my 30+ yr BFF, we vacation well, but we've shared a beach house for many summers and some things are just, well deal breakers. I don't like it about myself, but I'm "there's a place for everything and everything in its place" kind of gal. I picked it up from my dad. It's never one of my prouder moments. BFF on the other hand is well, it would be Felix Unger /Oscar Madison all over again, but with boobs. And minus the humor.
My mother blossomed in her assisted living. It was one of her/our best decisions. She made friends, had activities, someone arranging all the to-do things and a beautiful apartment to retreat to.
I think I'd like something in the middle. A small community with lots of shared spaces. I don't want to HAVE to eat with people every night. But I don't want to be alone every night either. Oy.
I'm with you. Everything in its place. The middle option sounds good to me, too.
I always took for granted that living with a few friends in the same house, as we grew older, would have been awesome, until I moved to Berlin for a while... Sharing apartments is very common practice there, due to the crazy prices, and whoever already lives in a shared flat is super picky about new people coming in. At the beginning I thougth it was a bit extreme but then I understood that being so selective is necessary, and even like that sharing can be challenging. After all I go on holiday by myself most of the time, because even the best friendships may come to an end if you are together 24/7. I guess one has to get paricularly lucky in order to find even just one person to live with, without driving each others crazy😅
I live alone - well with my two cats - in a two bedroom apartment. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband for 63 years until he died. Right now, I relish living alone and will do everything I can to maintain that arrangement. However, if it came to the point of needing more care then, I would choose in-home care rather than going to a facility, and before living with my children.
That sounds like a good plan.
I was lucky enough, when I first realized I was going to be childless, to find an online group with others in the same situation (back in 2001!) and make friends with some wonderful women that I'm still in touch with today. We used to joke about setting up a Golden Girls house (and about hiring a cabana boy to look after us, lol), although nobody's mentioned it in quite a while. Personally, I would prefer to live on my own as long as I can, should anything happen to my husband.
One of my former coworkers, now in her 70s, is childless, although she has adult stepchildren & grandchildren from two different relationships. Her longtime partner recently passed away and she is clearing out their house with the intention of selling. There's a new 55+ community being built in her community, and she'll be moving in there once it's done. I believe operates as a "life lease" arrangement -- you put in a certain amount of money as a lump sum, and then your monthly rent amount is determined according to how much you put in up front. If & when you leave, you get your lump sum back. (Not sure if you get any interest on that!) There are different sizes of units. You can make all your meals yourself or dine in the communal dining room, and there are all kinds of community activities and amenities for your use. You can participate as much or as little as you like. I think something like that sounds ideal, albeit it's not cheap, of course.
I tried this once, about 15 years ago. I was renting a large place. She was a friend, and very respectful.
I imagine that what led us in the wrong direction tho was the way we imagined being in the space together. I pictured having dinner together, or watching a movie, or having a card game. She cooked at odd hours, ate dinner alone in her bedroom and had boxes (I mean LOTS of boxes) she filled the hallway and loving room with while she “sorted”. It was okay at first, but then after many months of said boxes living there, and not diminishing, I finally asked what her plan was. She got upset, and moved all the boxes either into her bedroom or her shower. And we rarely sat together anywhere again in the house. I don’t think I would do this again.
Good piece, Sue, I love how you've gone into detail about the drawbacks and possible pitfalls of sharing a home - on both sides. Over the past 10 years or so, I've been a lodger with a Spanish owner in his flat in Madrid for two years(felt like being a student again, but it ws the start of a big new phase of my life so that was OK); we hit it off from the start, having our rows and complaints, but never anything terminal. He was very sensitive to my situation as lodger and always referred to me as his flatmate and friend. While travelling in Europe, I've stayed with several friends/family in their homes and learned how to adapt and fit in with other people's lifestyles, which has sometimes been uncomfortable and I've realised that people have habits I couldn't live with, especially if my housing security depended on them. I've lived for almost a year with a friend, because I had no choice, when I became ill and couldn't be alone. It was very challenging, even though she was well-meaning and generous.
I've thought long and hard about my future living needs and preferences and find that my options are very limited. I don't own any property. Co-housing schemes, where you have your own unit and can share as much common life as you like (with a compulsory minimum contribution of time and effort to communal life) sound ideal, yes, of course. The principle is wonderful, and such schemes are growing and developing here in the UK. But - and i've done a lot of research - they're out of the question. Most units are to buy, not rent, and are often above market rate in order to recoup the cost of building and running the development. Barely any are available to rent, because this can only be done by finding some kind of housing association, local council or charity to buy the units and act as landlord. There are a couple of schemes that have more equitable funding models, but these struggle to maintain financial stability, I'm told.
I can't let my tiny spare room out to anyone because my contract doesn't allow it. So, far from being the ageing owner who can take in a lodger or someone to share my home, even if I could tolerate it I am that lodger/sharer, who would be living in someone else's space and feeling constantly aware that I need to do everything as they require. Like a Victorian governess. Alternatives? A house share, find another renter? How to find someone compatible in all the necessary aspects? Feels like looking for a needle in a haystack. I take comfort from the noble and proud figure of Jane Eyre, but I fear there will not be a Mr Rochester to give me my happy ending.
Maybe things are different in the US and/or Canada... I feel so envious when I read of people like the friends of the writer below, who were 'the right people'. I can't help but think that the chances of achieving that are similar to the chances of meeting 'the right' partner - a matter of good fortune.
Thanks again. Julie G
Julie, thank you for sharing your story. The only time I was on your side of the equation, looking for a room to rent in a house, the options were terrible. In one situation, I declined the room but started a relationship with the landlord that ended quite badly. It is not easy to find the right place with the right people. I believe it's the same in the U.S. as in the UK.
I hope I can age at home. I am married with no children. I grew up with three older sisters, no brothers. I moved out on my own at age 22, after sharing a bedroom with one sister up to that point. Was on my own until hubby moved in with me at age 36. No thanks on a "golden girls" arrangement! I'm not really close to any of my siblings. We get along ok but they never reach out, I'm always making the first move. This is not self-pity, just facts. I had an aunt who lived to 99 who was married but never had children. She was able to find an arrangement of independent living where she had her own apartment but could do shared meals if she chose. If I was forced to, I would hope I could afford such an arrangement.
Yes. I never shared a room growing up, and I think that makes it harder for me to share now. I don't even like to share a motel room. I had an aunt who lived to 100. Her sister, who made it to 101, lived in her own house on the same street. They were there for each other, but not in each other's faces all the time.
Such a very difficult decision to make. I like my own space and have lived very well with my husband for the past 20 years, but roommates in college were never a great experience for me.
I am an only child and although consider myself an extrovert, I appreciate my alone time too.
Living in a community amongst others like myself with separate and shared spaces, would be ideal.
I am hopeful I will be able to find that place when the time comes.
I will continue looking for those communities with both separate and shared spaces and will share what I find.
Have you heard of Baba Yaga House? It’s in a Paris suburb. A group of women of age got together and through sheer will, got this building done. They are women of age only, they have small flats with kitchens and which are fully self contained, but common areas as well. They take care of each other as they age. Men can visit of course, but not spend the night. They have committees (as a coop would) and do things like set up grocery trips, activities etc, but it is all governed by the residents. I could be down with something like that.
I hadn't heard of that. Baba Yaga House sounds wonderful.
Thank you very much Sue, I hope they exist and that if and when we need them, they still exist.
Not if I can in the smallest possible way avoid it. Every roommate situation I’ve ever had has been an absolute nightmare. My home is my sacred space. I don’t want anyone else in it, unless they are very, very special to me, out most of the time and just visiting. I’m quite a homebody and I would be very hard for anyone to take for an extended period of time. Plus, I don’t want to have to mind my Ps and Qs all the time. I *need* my own space. I would just feel terrible if I had to put the burden of me on anyone. I’m firmly in the no camp!
Heather, I suspect I'm the same way. I love that line "My home is my sacred space."
Thanks, Sue. It came from a discussion, that line, with other people of Nature Based Faiths, on just that — sacred space. While many held that their garden, forest, beach, river was there sacred spot, I live in Canada. Realistically, I can’t spend much time outdoors for half the year. And I don’t have a room in my townhouse for ritual/prayer etc, so another and I agreed that our whole homes are sacred. Following from this, it’s easy to see why I am reluctant (or dead set) against sharing it with just anyone.
Interesting topic, Sue. Really enjoying your work!
Thank you!
I'm 66, I've been married for 48 years, and I have 2 adult child, one of whom( a daughter) who lives with us. I haven't really thought of what I will do, where I will live and with whom, should I find myself spouseless one day. I love reading your substack writings, Sue... I've learned a lot about the strength and resiliency of people( women in particular) when faced with seemingly impossible and usually much less than ideal situations in life.
I pre-ordered your book and am very much looking forward to reading it later this month. My mom, my mother in law and several aunts had lewey body dementia and/ or Alzheimers and are recently deceased ( all 5 of them passed in the last 5 years)
In her last 10 years of life, my mom had several" co-morbidities" , but she was an avid reader until Macular Degeneration made that impossible, and she loved to take long walks until severe spinal stenosis ended that...she passed at the age of 91.
The "happy part" of this story was that several years after being widowed, while she was still relatively healthy, after living with myself and my husband for 4 years, my mom decided she wanted to" give us our space" in our retirement, so we could travel without worrying about her health and safety.
After doing some research, we found her a wonderful Senior Living Community that was like living in a hotel with a shared dining room, where you could eat 3 meals a day in the company of others, if you chose to. If you chose to cook for yourself, there were 4 " country kitchens" on property. Ordering groceries or meals from area restaurants , to be delivered, was also a choice.There was plenty of parking for those who were still driving . There was no nursing staff, it wasn't assisted living, you had to be able to live independently. Each apt had a refrigerator, microwave and space for a crockpot / air fryer/ toaster oven. There was a hairdresser/ barber on the premises, as well as a gym, a library, a movie viewing room, and a pub- where happy hour was celebrated daily ( BYOB) or your choice of a glass of red or white wine! In the courtyard were several raised gardens to plant and cultivate flowers or veggies and there was a community bus for trips to area restaurants, wineries, malls, casinos,etc.
I really like the set up and the choice of being able to socialize ( or not...which would most likely be my personal choice, lol ) as well as the fact that the price is fairly reasonable, currently at approx $4k monthly ( includes rent, 3 meals per day, electricity, phone, wi-fi heat, A/C etc.) not a horrible deal, given that it's Connecticut- not an inexpensive state to live in.
I think this type of independent, senior living would suit most people, as there are many choices available within it. I'm keeping it in mind for my future, if/ when it becomes necessary.
Joyce, that sounds good. I do like my outdoor space, but when the time comes, I might be interested in something like this.