I appreciate your openness so much, Sue! You’re willing to be vulnerable and really share your feelings. Thank you. I know you are touching and helping more people than you can even know. I’ve had long periods of living alone and experienced many of the same struggles that you so poignantly describe. There’s no universal cure, but building a friendship base with other single women and then making really intentional plans for the weekend really helped me. Please know that you are helping to reduce stigma around loneliness. It’s a huge gift to all who follow you.
There is nothing from my childhood I miss more than Sundays at Grampa’s. Playing with my cousins and Grampa’s fried chicken for dinner. When I went away to college I missed that so badly. Sundays were so depressing for me. Grampa died during my sophomore year and 50 years later I still long for those Sunday family dinners with him.
I am so sorry you get lonely. I was going to suggest that you just write about it, but you already did and do. And really well, too. I'm old, I live with my dogs, family around here in neighboring villages, but I love living alone. But maybe we appreciate that when we hit our eighties and do some writing. Anyway, drop in anytime if you're in Woodstock. That Woodstock. I'll make the coffee.
Thank you, Abigail. I do write it out, and I'm so glad I have that outlet. What do people who don't write do with their feelings? They have to go somewhere.
Most of the time, I'm fine on my own. I'm uncomfortable with too much company, but there are those moments.
I would love to visit you and your dogs if I'm ever in that part of the country.
I find that living alone is my chance to really get introspective and define my life. That includes volunteering, meaningful hobbies, and the hard realization i may be alone in the immediate sense but I'm really part of everything.
And a dog helps me. Hell, she and her brother kept me alive one dark night; it's my duty to make sure she has the best life.
I have a love/hate relationship with weekends as a single woman who lives alone. Sometimes, it feels like the ultimate freedom to have two whole days to myself. Other times, I feel badly because everyone is almost always too busy to do stuff with me.
Have you gave any consideration of becoming a foster grandparent? There’s a lot of lonely kids.Parents are too busy. It does take us out of our comfort zone. Maybe your church might know a family who has a child or a teen that would like going on outings? All kids love music you could give lessons.!
I'm married, so I do have some company, but Sundays cam still be (usually are!) pretty quiet and non-eventful. Even when I was a kid, I found something very melancholic about Sundays, and Sunday nights especially. (Weekend/freedom's over, back to school/work tomorrow...) It's a little better in that respect, being retired -- but on the other hand, when every day is (theoretically) a "holiday," the days tend to run together, and it's harder to fill the time. It's always fun if we get a last-minute call from someone to come over on Sunday for lunch or coffee, but that doesn't happen too frequently.
Before the pandemic, Sunday afternoons used to be our time to head to the movie theatre. We haven't been back since then -- just got out of the habit (plus it is SO expensive now...!). I've been thinking it's time to go back... I hear The Naked Gun remake with Liam Neeson is pretty funny. ;)
My husband works on Sundays and our kids are grown. I make sure I have at least one social engagement on Sundays — usually a walk to the local farmers market and back, with a friend — otherwise I’m depressed by the end of the day. Thank you for your honesty. It helps.
I'm a little surprised by something here, Sue. I'd always kind of envied church goers for their built-in social activities. But you're a church goer and I don't see you getting much connection out of it beyond service. Is that no longer an option?
Well, it's all finished by noon on Sundays, but you're right. I could be more involved. I live at a bit of a distance from my church and most of its members, and I seem to be working when they do get together. Also, they're busy with their families, and I have no family anywhere nearby.
Oh, the distance makes a difference. Maybe there's a closer one you could use for a social connection. And maybe this idea I have of busy church people isn't really a thing. You shouldn't have to have family to have nearby connections. But it's harder to find than it should be.
Start an Oregon Coast hub for "Community Loaves," a really inspiring nonprofit that started during COVID and has now grown, volunteer by volunteer, to donate over 200,000 homecooked loaves of organic, whole-grain sandwich bread to food banks, along with an even larger number of energy cookies.
It's a wonderful outfit, with a super-smart self-funding model, now spread from its Puget Sound origin into California, Idaho, and Oregon.
I have helped and advised and volunteered with a lot of nonprofits over the decades, and this one is the best because their self-funding model is so brilliant ... by working with great specialty local mills like Cairnspring Mills in Burlington, WA, they source super high-quality flour in bulk and sell it to the bakers at a profit for them but at a substantial discount off retail. The world is so sad and depressing right now that finding something tangible to do that's worthwhile is a very necessary antidote. There are bakers with Community Loaves who do a dozen or more loaves every couple weeks, and it's a great cure for the blahs and the blues -- and if you start a hub, you'll get to meet a lot of nice people.
Sue, I admire your ability to consistently post these essays that so accurately and honestly describe the ups and downs of being single later in life. I'm amazed at how much you are doing! Yes, there is definitely something different about the weekend vibe. It seems like everyone else is out having a great time with friends or family. The TV shows and ads reinforce this image (or myth) of endless fun with friends and happy family barbecues. The reality is there are family conflicts, exhausting schedules, disappointments, losses, and worries in most families and relationships. As Liz said it is necessary to be intentional about making plans (which is where I often fail to plan ahead and then have no one to enjoy a movie with).I know one widow who plans simple, casual dinner parties and invites neighbors and friends. She also joined some clubs to widen her social circle. Another put in a fire pit and invites neighbors to have wine. We all need a support system and it takes effort to create it and maintain it. I have found as well, that where you live can make a huge difference. Are the neighbors mostly couples and families? Then you can count on being alone a lot. My life totally changed by spending winters in a larger community with more single women and more activities I enjoy and can do by myself (lectures, art fairs, classes) if I have no one to do it with, but also group activities such as outings to museums, concerts etc. Being in a bigger "pond" has opened a lot of doors to new friends and activities. Also, having dogs it is easy to meet people at the community dog park. I also had some business cards made with my contact information to give to people I meet. I order them from a company called Felix Dolittle that has lovely designs and people tend to keep them because they are so distinctive. So that's worked for me and made me realize that your community's demographic can make a big difference in social opportunities and life satisfaction. I also try to start the morning by making a list of the things I want to get done that day. That gives the day some structure and feeling of accomplishment. And I've actually grown to enjoy Sundays as a time to recharge and not have to do anything. Thanks for the links to resources on this topic.
It is fascinating to me that your email landed the day after I had the most intensely lonely Sunday and had wondered if anyone else felt it too? Weirdly reassuring to have those feelings recognised. Most weekends when I'm feeling more chipper and upbeat I try to build in comforting rituals: a newspaper, a walk, a fortnightly visit to a Mindfulness and Meditation session at a local Quaker chapel. But when that weight of emptiness returns, as it did on Sunday, and with it the exhaustion of knowing that I've tried everything to not make me feel like this but here it is again, that sensitivity to anything and everything that references company and security of relationship, there is really nowhere to go with it. I cannot see the point of taking my sad old head off to visit somewhere when I know that I'd rather do it with someone I can share it with. For me this last Sunday, it all came down to one simple thing, the great need of a big hug from someone who cares.
I'd had another testing time with my sister the day before, who proves the rule "Never try and explain yourself to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you". Her conversational technique is like a tennis match - one subject is raised and a new one comes straight back, with barely an acknowledgement of the last. I feel so unheard by her and depleted and wretched after a session with her but worse still is the knowledge that I know there is no one in my life (now that one of our brothers has died) that I can really talk to, who knows at least something of who I am, what I care about, what interests me, what makes me - and them hopefully- laugh. My humourless and brittle sister is not one of them. I moved here to be nearer my sister and her family and, well, I wish I hadn't. Still, every day I'm not speaking to her is a day better than the last I suppose.
But the boredom and loneliness of repetitive chores and walks I've done a hundred times on my own, with my ideas that are never heard and jokes that are never shared, sends me into a realm of utter madness. I had to request a hug from friend on the Monday ... He said "She's only your sister", which both hit and missed the point. Sometimes it's worse to hear bad advice and have a hug that's not forthcoming.
Thankyou for vocalising something that is genuinely full of pain, the single life on a Sunday.
Oh Chloe, I wish I could hug you. This is exactly what I was trying to say about how we feel sometimes. We may pull it together and seem fine to the outside world but when we're alone with nothing to stop the flood of feelings, it's hard to get out before we drown. Let's both keep trying to make it better.
This made me sad. I understand it even though I am married. I’ve struggled throughout my life to find meaningful connections in certain places I’ve lived and I tend towards depression. I’ve never had a significant career and have always been a “trailing spouse.” I think part of the problem is our culture, which values busyness and productivity. Just being is not enough. Thank you for your honesty in writing this and giving voice to what a lot of us feel.
Hi Martha. You're so right. We feel guilty if we're not busy busy busy. I know I have trouble just sitting still. It's a skill we all need to learn. Thank you for your kind words.
Such good information and ideas here! Your post hits home with many. When I was young I would go to my parents' house on Sunday afternoons. I might wash my car, or just visit and have a nice dinner. Since then I don't recall being at loose ends, having been a wife and/or mother since.
On the other topic you mentioned: please don't accept that advice from your doctor, regarding Prediabetes. Ignoring it (and drinking more water) will almost certainly lead to full-blown Type 2 Diabetes and kidney damage(because drinking more water will not fix either of those.) I don't have the kidney issues, but was diagnosed with Prediabetes about a year and a half ago. I got serious about getting sugar out of my diet and found Dr. Eric Westman on the internet. He has an active YouTube channel, plus social media. He's based at Duke University. His book, "End Your Carb Confusion" is easy to read and very helpful. (I also bought the cookbook, but don't recommend it. Just wasn't the kind of cooking I enjoy, with some odd ingredients.) Best wishes! Thanks for writing and sharing.
Thanks, JH. I double-checked on the prediabetes thing. I did not fast before the blood tests, and I'm told my number was okay because I had eaten recently. But with my family history, I am quite aware of the need to cut back on carbs. As for the kidney result, I think I'm going to ask for a retest.
I appreciate your openness so much, Sue! You’re willing to be vulnerable and really share your feelings. Thank you. I know you are touching and helping more people than you can even know. I’ve had long periods of living alone and experienced many of the same struggles that you so poignantly describe. There’s no universal cure, but building a friendship base with other single women and then making really intentional plans for the weekend really helped me. Please know that you are helping to reduce stigma around loneliness. It’s a huge gift to all who follow you.
Thank you, Liz. I worried that this was too whiny. I'm so glad it helps.
There is nothing from my childhood I miss more than Sundays at Grampa’s. Playing with my cousins and Grampa’s fried chicken for dinner. When I went away to college I missed that so badly. Sundays were so depressing for me. Grampa died during my sophomore year and 50 years later I still long for those Sunday family dinners with him.
Ah, Sundays. Thanks for sharing with us how the time hangs heavy for you on some Sundays.
I am so sorry you get lonely. I was going to suggest that you just write about it, but you already did and do. And really well, too. I'm old, I live with my dogs, family around here in neighboring villages, but I love living alone. But maybe we appreciate that when we hit our eighties and do some writing. Anyway, drop in anytime if you're in Woodstock. That Woodstock. I'll make the coffee.
Thank you, Abigail. I do write it out, and I'm so glad I have that outlet. What do people who don't write do with their feelings? They have to go somewhere.
Most of the time, I'm fine on my own. I'm uncomfortable with too much company, but there are those moments.
I would love to visit you and your dogs if I'm ever in that part of the country.
Thanks for the honest share.
I find that living alone is my chance to really get introspective and define my life. That includes volunteering, meaningful hobbies, and the hard realization i may be alone in the immediate sense but I'm really part of everything.
And a dog helps me. Hell, she and her brother kept me alive one dark night; it's my duty to make sure she has the best life.
I'm rambling. Please take care!
Thank you, heydave!
Also - please let me know if you’re ever in New Hampshire!
I have a love/hate relationship with weekends as a single woman who lives alone. Sometimes, it feels like the ultimate freedom to have two whole days to myself. Other times, I feel badly because everyone is almost always too busy to do stuff with me.
Have you gave any consideration of becoming a foster grandparent? There’s a lot of lonely kids.Parents are too busy. It does take us out of our comfort zone. Maybe your church might know a family who has a child or a teen that would like going on outings? All kids love music you could give lessons.!
I'm married, so I do have some company, but Sundays cam still be (usually are!) pretty quiet and non-eventful. Even when I was a kid, I found something very melancholic about Sundays, and Sunday nights especially. (Weekend/freedom's over, back to school/work tomorrow...) It's a little better in that respect, being retired -- but on the other hand, when every day is (theoretically) a "holiday," the days tend to run together, and it's harder to fill the time. It's always fun if we get a last-minute call from someone to come over on Sunday for lunch or coffee, but that doesn't happen too frequently.
Before the pandemic, Sunday afternoons used to be our time to head to the movie theatre. We haven't been back since then -- just got out of the habit (plus it is SO expensive now...!). I've been thinking it's time to go back... I hear The Naked Gun remake with Liam Neeson is pretty funny. ;)
My husband works on Sundays and our kids are grown. I make sure I have at least one social engagement on Sundays — usually a walk to the local farmers market and back, with a friend — otherwise I’m depressed by the end of the day. Thank you for your honesty. It helps.
I'm a little surprised by something here, Sue. I'd always kind of envied church goers for their built-in social activities. But you're a church goer and I don't see you getting much connection out of it beyond service. Is that no longer an option?
Well, it's all finished by noon on Sundays, but you're right. I could be more involved. I live at a bit of a distance from my church and most of its members, and I seem to be working when they do get together. Also, they're busy with their families, and I have no family anywhere nearby.
Oh, the distance makes a difference. Maybe there's a closer one you could use for a social connection. And maybe this idea I have of busy church people isn't really a thing. You shouldn't have to have family to have nearby connections. But it's harder to find than it should be.
Start an Oregon Coast hub for "Community Loaves," a really inspiring nonprofit that started during COVID and has now grown, volunteer by volunteer, to donate over 200,000 homecooked loaves of organic, whole-grain sandwich bread to food banks, along with an even larger number of energy cookies.
It's a wonderful outfit, with a super-smart self-funding model, now spread from its Puget Sound origin into California, Idaho, and Oregon.
217,098 energy cookies
203,655 sandwich loaves
886 bakers
https://communityloaves.org
What a wonderful thing to do! Thanks for sharing this, John.
I have helped and advised and volunteered with a lot of nonprofits over the decades, and this one is the best because their self-funding model is so brilliant ... by working with great specialty local mills like Cairnspring Mills in Burlington, WA, they source super high-quality flour in bulk and sell it to the bakers at a profit for them but at a substantial discount off retail. The world is so sad and depressing right now that finding something tangible to do that's worthwhile is a very necessary antidote. There are bakers with Community Loaves who do a dozen or more loaves every couple weeks, and it's a great cure for the blahs and the blues -- and if you start a hub, you'll get to meet a lot of nice people.
Sue, I admire your ability to consistently post these essays that so accurately and honestly describe the ups and downs of being single later in life. I'm amazed at how much you are doing! Yes, there is definitely something different about the weekend vibe. It seems like everyone else is out having a great time with friends or family. The TV shows and ads reinforce this image (or myth) of endless fun with friends and happy family barbecues. The reality is there are family conflicts, exhausting schedules, disappointments, losses, and worries in most families and relationships. As Liz said it is necessary to be intentional about making plans (which is where I often fail to plan ahead and then have no one to enjoy a movie with).I know one widow who plans simple, casual dinner parties and invites neighbors and friends. She also joined some clubs to widen her social circle. Another put in a fire pit and invites neighbors to have wine. We all need a support system and it takes effort to create it and maintain it. I have found as well, that where you live can make a huge difference. Are the neighbors mostly couples and families? Then you can count on being alone a lot. My life totally changed by spending winters in a larger community with more single women and more activities I enjoy and can do by myself (lectures, art fairs, classes) if I have no one to do it with, but also group activities such as outings to museums, concerts etc. Being in a bigger "pond" has opened a lot of doors to new friends and activities. Also, having dogs it is easy to meet people at the community dog park. I also had some business cards made with my contact information to give to people I meet. I order them from a company called Felix Dolittle that has lovely designs and people tend to keep them because they are so distinctive. So that's worked for me and made me realize that your community's demographic can make a big difference in social opportunities and life satisfaction. I also try to start the morning by making a list of the things I want to get done that day. That gives the day some structure and feeling of accomplishment. And I've actually grown to enjoy Sundays as a time to recharge and not have to do anything. Thanks for the links to resources on this topic.
Laurel,
Thank you for all of this good information. Together, we can make this work.
It is fascinating to me that your email landed the day after I had the most intensely lonely Sunday and had wondered if anyone else felt it too? Weirdly reassuring to have those feelings recognised. Most weekends when I'm feeling more chipper and upbeat I try to build in comforting rituals: a newspaper, a walk, a fortnightly visit to a Mindfulness and Meditation session at a local Quaker chapel. But when that weight of emptiness returns, as it did on Sunday, and with it the exhaustion of knowing that I've tried everything to not make me feel like this but here it is again, that sensitivity to anything and everything that references company and security of relationship, there is really nowhere to go with it. I cannot see the point of taking my sad old head off to visit somewhere when I know that I'd rather do it with someone I can share it with. For me this last Sunday, it all came down to one simple thing, the great need of a big hug from someone who cares.
I'd had another testing time with my sister the day before, who proves the rule "Never try and explain yourself to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you". Her conversational technique is like a tennis match - one subject is raised and a new one comes straight back, with barely an acknowledgement of the last. I feel so unheard by her and depleted and wretched after a session with her but worse still is the knowledge that I know there is no one in my life (now that one of our brothers has died) that I can really talk to, who knows at least something of who I am, what I care about, what interests me, what makes me - and them hopefully- laugh. My humourless and brittle sister is not one of them. I moved here to be nearer my sister and her family and, well, I wish I hadn't. Still, every day I'm not speaking to her is a day better than the last I suppose.
But the boredom and loneliness of repetitive chores and walks I've done a hundred times on my own, with my ideas that are never heard and jokes that are never shared, sends me into a realm of utter madness. I had to request a hug from friend on the Monday ... He said "She's only your sister", which both hit and missed the point. Sometimes it's worse to hear bad advice and have a hug that's not forthcoming.
Thankyou for vocalising something that is genuinely full of pain, the single life on a Sunday.
Oh Chloe, I wish I could hug you. This is exactly what I was trying to say about how we feel sometimes. We may pull it together and seem fine to the outside world but when we're alone with nothing to stop the flood of feelings, it's hard to get out before we drown. Let's both keep trying to make it better.
It’s really all we can do! Hugging you back Sue. >> Sigh << Folks with instant access to a hug just don’t know how lucky they are 😌
This made me sad. I understand it even though I am married. I’ve struggled throughout my life to find meaningful connections in certain places I’ve lived and I tend towards depression. I’ve never had a significant career and have always been a “trailing spouse.” I think part of the problem is our culture, which values busyness and productivity. Just being is not enough. Thank you for your honesty in writing this and giving voice to what a lot of us feel.
Hi Martha. You're so right. We feel guilty if we're not busy busy busy. I know I have trouble just sitting still. It's a skill we all need to learn. Thank you for your kind words.
Such good information and ideas here! Your post hits home with many. When I was young I would go to my parents' house on Sunday afternoons. I might wash my car, or just visit and have a nice dinner. Since then I don't recall being at loose ends, having been a wife and/or mother since.
On the other topic you mentioned: please don't accept that advice from your doctor, regarding Prediabetes. Ignoring it (and drinking more water) will almost certainly lead to full-blown Type 2 Diabetes and kidney damage(because drinking more water will not fix either of those.) I don't have the kidney issues, but was diagnosed with Prediabetes about a year and a half ago. I got serious about getting sugar out of my diet and found Dr. Eric Westman on the internet. He has an active YouTube channel, plus social media. He's based at Duke University. His book, "End Your Carb Confusion" is easy to read and very helpful. (I also bought the cookbook, but don't recommend it. Just wasn't the kind of cooking I enjoy, with some odd ingredients.) Best wishes! Thanks for writing and sharing.
Thanks, JH. I double-checked on the prediabetes thing. I did not fast before the blood tests, and I'm told my number was okay because I had eaten recently. But with my family history, I am quite aware of the need to cut back on carbs. As for the kidney result, I think I'm going to ask for a retest.
Excellent idea, a retest, especially if this is a new finding. Some reference ranges are based on the patient being in a fasting state.