When Valentine's Day makes you feel bad

Getting through this Hallmark holiday alone

Happy Valentine's Day!

If those words make you groan, curse, or weep, you are not alone. For the huge portion of the population who are not in a romantic relationship, this whole holiday is cruel.

Everywhere you look, you see hearts and the colors red and pink. Why????

It starts when we’re little kids cutting hearts out of construction paper (or maybe now they draw them on their Chromebooks). I don’t if this happened in your schools, but we used to have to make or buy valentines to distribute to the whole class. If you had a crush on someone, you really wanted them to give you something special, but they probably didn’t and sometimes they ran out of cards before they got to you.

I just flashed on a kid named Darrell. I wonder what happened to him.

This holiday can make you feel like a failure if you don’t have someone. It can amplify the grief or even trauma if you have loved and lost someone. In the new book Single, author Nicola Slawson goes into depth about how the end of a relationship can really mess you up. You lose not only the person but all the hopes and dreams attached to them.

Even for those who are not alone, this day can get messy. What if your loved one does nothing or tries to do something that goes badly?

What about all those people for whom this is also their anniversary, especially if they’re not together anymore? Who needs another reminder?

It’s so awkward. Are one’s friends and children supposed to offer cards and gifts, too? Please, we just got over Christmas.

I have no Valentine’s Day memories with my first husband, which probably tells us something about why that marriage didn’t last.

Fred, my second husband, tried. One year early on, he took us to the most expensive restaurant he could find. Very fancy. But it was so crowded we couldn’t hear each other talk. We couldn’t afford much of anything on the menu, and it took forever to get served. The men’s finals of the Olympic figure skating championships were happening that night. All I really wanted to do was watch TV.

We didn’t do that again. After a few years, we settled for cards and saying we loved each other. No big gestures needed. Besides, he was a tax preparer in the middle of tax season.

Well into Alzheimer’s, Fred went to the store with his caregiver and bought me flowers, which was sweet—until he realized he had lost his debit card in the process.

After he died, an elderly couple at church used to give me chocolate roses on Valentine’s Day because they figured I’d be lonely. They always sat in the pew behind the piano where I was stationed. I could hear them whispering to each other. They’re both gone now. I miss them.

A friend sent me a Valentine’s Day card online yesterday. Very sweet. I appreciate her spreading the love. If her kids don’t do anything for her today, she will be hurt. I have no expectations, and that’s okay.

My only plan for this day of romance is to work and go to town for groceries and a prescription. I’ll probably take a walk, eat leftovers for dinner, watch TV . . . Zzzzzz. I may go hear a friend sing tonight. Solo, of course.

Enough about me.

This day can really suck for those who are not in relationships for whatever reason. Every holiday kind of beats us over the head with, “You’re alone, pitiful you.”

Shut up. We are not pitiful.

We can turn this into a day of loving ourselves. Buy yourself roses and chocolates if you want them. Toast yourself with something special. Take a hike or watch a movie. Do whatever makes you happy.

Don’t go to a restaurant. I don’t care how ballsy you are, you will be uncomfortable. You'll be surrounded by couples who feel compelled to do something because it’s Valentine’s Day, and the menu will be designed for parties of two.

You don’t have to do anything. In fact, it might be a relief to not have to worry about this holiday.

Valentine’s Day is named after St Valentine, one of the many, many saints we have in the Catholic Church. He was a martyr or possibly several martyrs combined into one legend. Decapitated. Not romantic at all. The Catholic Church took his day off the liturgical calendar in 1969. We’re actually celebrating St. Cyril today. But we’re still “hearting” all over the place.

Any doctor can tell you real hearts aren’t even shaped like that.

I looked up alternative activities for those of us who are alone. It's the same advice as for Christmas, Mother’s Day, and all the rest. Do something you enjoy and let other people go nuts making Instagram moments. Blue Sky moments. TikTok moments. Whatever.

Stay off social media if it bothers you. Do whatever you would do on a Friday the 14th of any month and move on.

What are your thoughts on this day? Does it bother you? Do you treat it like just another day or do something special for yourself? What is your advice for getting through this day alone.

Are you wearing red today? Why?

Additional reading

The Catholic Roots of St. Valentine’s Day | Franciscan Media

St. Valentine - Saints & Angels - Catholic Online

21 Things to Do If You're Single on Valentine's Day

I restacked Jody Day’s Valentine’s Day post. Read it here. So good.

Photo by Laula Co on Unsplash

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How did I end up alone? My first marriage ended in divorce. My second husband died of Alzheimer’s after we had moved to the Oregon coast, far from family. I never had any kids, only dogs. Now I live by myself in a big house in the woods. You can read our story in my new memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, available now at your favorite bookseller. Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.