Where Can an Old Lady Get a Safe Non-Sexual Hug?
Many people alone long for touch
Did that question make you laugh? I understand why you might chuckle, but I’m not kidding. For those of us who live alone, hugs are few and far between. Covid-19 didn’t help. Now people ask permission: “Do you do hugs?” We wrap our arms around each other and hope our vaccines and immune systems are working.
Have you heard that people need hugs like they need food and air? No matter how old we are, we still need to be touched, to be held, just like we did when we were babies. In fact, I have read that we need at least four hugs a day. Some experts say we need 12. Show of hands: How many of us have had zero hugs today?
A Psychology Today article on the benefits of hugging says that hugging reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, boosts immune systems, and releases a pleasure hormone called oxytocin. We need human touch.
It’s no wonder so many of us long for a real hug, the kind where you both hold each other, no one holding back, no hurry to end it. Even if their belt buckle is pushing into your stomach and your breasts feel squashed, you hold on because it feels so good.
I had such a hug last week from my friend Sandy. We are both so busy that we decided to schedule bimonthly lunches. Otherwise the time just fritters by. When we meet, we talk and talk and talk, and we hug long and hard. Sandy is the best hugger I know. Before we part, we get out our phone calendars and schedule the next lunch.
If there’s somebody you want to spend time with, set it up. It’s worth it for the hugs. I already need another one.
Even before the pandemic, full-out hugs were outlawed between co-workers, between teachers and students, or in any situation where someone might cry, “Sexual abuse!” That’s a valid concern, even if the teacher just wants to cheer up a little kid who’s crying because his turtle died. Nope, at best, all they can give is a quick sideways squeeze. Or a fist bump, like a priest I used to know. We can’t blame any priest for wanting to avoid suspicious touching after all the clergy abuse that has happened in the past.
But we need hugs. While being hugged, we feel held, loved, and safe. It feels like home. My late husband Fred was famous for his hugs. When he hugged you, you knew you’d been truly hugged. But Fred is gone.
Wikihow has a post on how to hug in various situations. Do we really need instructions? Maybe after the pandemic, we do.
There are some hug substitutes one can try, such as weighted blankets, stuffed animals, and body pillows. You can even wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze, but it’s not the same.
In some locations, you can hire a professional hugger. Read about it here: https://cuddlist.com/ and here: https://www.cuddlecomfort.com.
Is that weird? Would you ever hire a pro? Isn’t this a little like prostitution?
Check out this video of a little boy hugging residents at a nursing home. “Boy offers hugs to lonely senior citizens.” It will make you cry. Those old people don’t get a lot of hugs.
Maybe the best way to get hugs is to give them. To a human. I used to hug my dog Annie all the time. She looked at me like what are you doing? She did not hug back. Why not offer hugs to people who seem to need them, asking, “May I hug you?” Maybe most of us are too shy for that, but it’s a suggestion.
If you are blessed with a romantic partner, you have a built-in hug dispenser. Likewise with your children, except maybe for their teenage years. But if you live alone, it’s not so easy. When you’re with someone you trust, it’s okay to say, “I need a hug.” Ninety-nine percent of the time, the other person will oblige. We never outgrow the need to be touched.
Where do you get your hugs these days? Are you someone who initiates hugs or do you shy away? Who is the best hugger you know?
Photo by Ivan Babydov: https://www.pexels.com/photo/tender-woman-hugging-obedient-dog-at-home-7788647/
How did I end up alone? I didn’t have any kids. After my husband and I retired to the Oregon coast, far from family, he died of Alzheimer’s. You can read our story in my forthcoming memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, coming out in June. Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.
It is not so easy to gauge the nature of a hug in terms of sexual or non sexual but one thing is settled
it sooths a person miraculously. So we may not indulge in its nature but accept it with pleasure.
We do not have any mechanism to change minds of people so keep up hugging as much as it can be.
Having lived alone for about 30 years now, hugs are valuable currency. It’s been 15 years since I chose to have a partner. I take any and all hugs, even the short, stingy ones. But the three best huggers are my friend D’s ex-wife, my friend J, and my cousin, M. Those are long hugs, so close I can feel their heartbeat, and in M’s case, he somehow seems to hug you with his entire body. You can just feel the love radiating into your body with all three. Now that’s good for the soul!