Such an honest & thoughtfully written problem that everyone has a potential to face.
Thank you for shedding light on this issue. It is one of the hardest and most serious things that those of us without a large nearby support network face.
Thanks, Sue. This is an important issue, especially as we age and can't always do the things we did when we were younger. Getting your church group together for mutual support was a great idea. I imagine it made a lot of folks rest easier. xoA <3
A difficult, yet all too real dilemma for many of us. I’m always stymied as to who I should list as my contact… one or two neighbors who are delightful? My daughter who is about 40 minutes away? My brother who is halfway across the country? There has got to be a better solution to this.
The secondary aspect to this dilemma is when being released after surgery, I was asked “who is at home to take care of you?” My answer was a shrug of my shoulders and the attempt at being ludicrous by saying “my cat”.
In some areas there are comfort care givers that cost about $40/day. Down by where my folks lived in FL, there was a program called Seniors helping Seniors for only $17/day. But all of that was on a schedule. In areas where there are no Ubers, nor late night taxis, it’s a serious challenge.
I have a living husband but I’m living abroad, so when he’s not available due to work (he’s a teacher and it’s not flexible) I find myself in a similar situation.
It’s been one of the biggest fears as we’ve found out we can’t have children, I’m missing support now and I’m in my 30s (and my husband is living) what about the future?
Many people criticise the church, but I always stand by that it provides a very good community. I’m not religious myself but living abroad I sometimes consider it, just to know I have people who care. My brother-in-law argues you can make community without a church, in theory you can, but no body does.
I thought about this a lot when I lived alone for a decade. It was very confronting. It's one of the sad parts of having lost a sense of 'the village' where there would be friends, family and neighbours around us who we could call on. Thanks for naming this.
As a caregiver, there's a cornerstone that I have to keep fit because if I don't and something happens, then what happens to Mum? An additional fear on top of what you've described and an added pressure.
This is why I'm a big advocate of getting to know your neighbours and fostering 2-3 contacts nearby, like you've done at Church. For someone who's done the exact opposite through 18 relocations it doesn't come naturally to spread roots. If not neighbours there are more local groups in UK and US than most people realise, and if anyone has difficulties doing that ask your PCP/GP.
A big hug to everyone - you're not alone, you're already connected here! xo
I learned the hard way, sitting in the chemo waiting room as a patient, being in the hospital for a stroke, that my mother and siblings (some who lived within a mile of the hospital) would never be there for me. Not fun to learn, especially after being the one there for them throughout the decades. My ex-husband and I decided to be our emergency contacts. I'm reliable but him, not so sure. Sometime I just leave that line blank at doctors' offices.
I so get this. Caring for Mom, I always wonder, who will do this for me. No siblings. No partner. No children. I hate the look on the nurses faces when they see I've left "emergency contact" blank, and they ask and I have to say, no, there's no one. My go-to person for this sort of thing passed away himself ten years ago. The next on the list disappeared when he got married (we'd been in regular contact before that).
My closest friend is also caring for her elderly mother and we have very differing views on end of life care. I'd trust her with my finances, but my health care proxy? No. She once said "You know I'd keep you alive even if you were just eyeballs on a plate."
That said, she is my go-to for escorts after, say, a colonoscopy, but I'm the same, I'd rather call a cab and take care of myself. But that's not exactly an eyeballs on the plate scenario.
Great article, and relevant for all of us, partnered or not, children or not. But especially urgent for soloists.
I had an ambulance ride to the ED at 4am this week. We have a subscription ambulance service in Victoria Australia, so that is ok. I wasn’t well enough to go to the central lifts and use my key fob to let the crew in... luckily, my fever impaired brain eventually remembered there was an emergency key safe for this situation, and some deep scrolling on my phone found it. So I only had to totter to the intercom & front door. I have no idea what they would have done otherwise.
The hospital is only 2km but was on ‘bypass’ & I was the 2nd last person let in to triage. Goodness knows how far away I might have been sent. Clear across our sprawling city was a distinct possibility.
I tried to call my NOK, my husband who was sleeping at work, but he had turned his phone to silent since he wasn’t on call. He called back a few hours later, and came to take me home when I was released before heading back to work. My mum was my other contact but she is in residential care now.
I now have to rethink my whole emergency contacts (again). More and more I hope we can choose to be this for our neighbours without necessarily being best buddies the rest of the time.
Definitely a dilemma. I feel a couple years ago tore both quadriceps tendons and ended up in a wheelchair while waiting for surgery and recovering. Thank goodness my kids were near. And I have fabulous friends I can call anytime. But think ahead! My house was problematic. Working on that now.
Thank you for this vulnerable and necessary post. I’ve almost always been at the ER alone - I’ve been chronically ill since I was a teen and lost my mom before I turned 20. Never had a chance to really date or marry. It’s so important to have these types of issues sorted out and an emergency contact in place.
Big thanks to Victoria @carermentor for flagging your post for me! I’m doing a 5 part series on hospital & ER visits when you’re chronically ill. One will be dedicated to the importance of having an advocate at all times.
Today you said "just ask" and people will pledge to come to our aid as your neighbors and friends did. Not all of us are that lucky. I did ask - people that I'd done a lot for over the years - but no one could commit.
Sue, you are an angel to get this PSM out. I think the excuse many people have is that it won’t happen to them. Unfortunately, it might. Don’t take the chance.
Blessings. For everybody reading this, take the first steps at the very least and have two emergency contacts in your home and on your fridge. I have a phone app “medisafe” for all my prescriptions.
Such an honest & thoughtfully written problem that everyone has a potential to face.
Thank you for shedding light on this issue. It is one of the hardest and most serious things that those of us without a large nearby support network face.
Thanks, Sue. This is an important issue, especially as we age and can't always do the things we did when we were younger. Getting your church group together for mutual support was a great idea. I imagine it made a lot of folks rest easier. xoA <3
A difficult, yet all too real dilemma for many of us. I’m always stymied as to who I should list as my contact… one or two neighbors who are delightful? My daughter who is about 40 minutes away? My brother who is halfway across the country? There has got to be a better solution to this.
The secondary aspect to this dilemma is when being released after surgery, I was asked “who is at home to take care of you?” My answer was a shrug of my shoulders and the attempt at being ludicrous by saying “my cat”.
You nailed it. This is a real problem for many of us. Remember, almost one-third of American homes are occupied by just one person living alone.
In some areas there are comfort care givers that cost about $40/day. Down by where my folks lived in FL, there was a program called Seniors helping Seniors for only $17/day. But all of that was on a schedule. In areas where there are no Ubers, nor late night taxis, it’s a serious challenge.
I remember the day I took Mr. J off of my emergency contact form. It still breaks my heart.
I have a living husband but I’m living abroad, so when he’s not available due to work (he’s a teacher and it’s not flexible) I find myself in a similar situation.
It’s been one of the biggest fears as we’ve found out we can’t have children, I’m missing support now and I’m in my 30s (and my husband is living) what about the future?
Many people criticise the church, but I always stand by that it provides a very good community. I’m not religious myself but living abroad I sometimes consider it, just to know I have people who care. My brother-in-law argues you can make community without a church, in theory you can, but no body does.
Thank you for your insightful writing as always.
I thought about this a lot when I lived alone for a decade. It was very confronting. It's one of the sad parts of having lost a sense of 'the village' where there would be friends, family and neighbours around us who we could call on. Thanks for naming this.
Thank you I am going to subscribe for real as everything you write is so valid and meaningful .
A very real issue, thank you for voicing it Sue!
As a caregiver, there's a cornerstone that I have to keep fit because if I don't and something happens, then what happens to Mum? An additional fear on top of what you've described and an added pressure.
This is why I'm a big advocate of getting to know your neighbours and fostering 2-3 contacts nearby, like you've done at Church. For someone who's done the exact opposite through 18 relocations it doesn't come naturally to spread roots. If not neighbours there are more local groups in UK and US than most people realise, and if anyone has difficulties doing that ask your PCP/GP.
A big hug to everyone - you're not alone, you're already connected here! xo
Thanks Sue
I learned the hard way, sitting in the chemo waiting room as a patient, being in the hospital for a stroke, that my mother and siblings (some who lived within a mile of the hospital) would never be there for me. Not fun to learn, especially after being the one there for them throughout the decades. My ex-husband and I decided to be our emergency contacts. I'm reliable but him, not so sure. Sometime I just leave that line blank at doctors' offices.
I so get this. Caring for Mom, I always wonder, who will do this for me. No siblings. No partner. No children. I hate the look on the nurses faces when they see I've left "emergency contact" blank, and they ask and I have to say, no, there's no one. My go-to person for this sort of thing passed away himself ten years ago. The next on the list disappeared when he got married (we'd been in regular contact before that).
My closest friend is also caring for her elderly mother and we have very differing views on end of life care. I'd trust her with my finances, but my health care proxy? No. She once said "You know I'd keep you alive even if you were just eyeballs on a plate."
That said, she is my go-to for escorts after, say, a colonoscopy, but I'm the same, I'd rather call a cab and take care of myself. But that's not exactly an eyeballs on the plate scenario.
Great article, and relevant for all of us, partnered or not, children or not. But especially urgent for soloists.
I had an ambulance ride to the ED at 4am this week. We have a subscription ambulance service in Victoria Australia, so that is ok. I wasn’t well enough to go to the central lifts and use my key fob to let the crew in... luckily, my fever impaired brain eventually remembered there was an emergency key safe for this situation, and some deep scrolling on my phone found it. So I only had to totter to the intercom & front door. I have no idea what they would have done otherwise.
The hospital is only 2km but was on ‘bypass’ & I was the 2nd last person let in to triage. Goodness knows how far away I might have been sent. Clear across our sprawling city was a distinct possibility.
I tried to call my NOK, my husband who was sleeping at work, but he had turned his phone to silent since he wasn’t on call. He called back a few hours later, and came to take me home when I was released before heading back to work. My mum was my other contact but she is in residential care now.
I now have to rethink my whole emergency contacts (again). More and more I hope we can choose to be this for our neighbours without necessarily being best buddies the rest of the time.
Yes yes yes yes me parte el alma
Definitely a dilemma. I feel a couple years ago tore both quadriceps tendons and ended up in a wheelchair while waiting for surgery and recovering. Thank goodness my kids were near. And I have fabulous friends I can call anytime. But think ahead! My house was problematic. Working on that now.
Thank you for this vulnerable and necessary post. I’ve almost always been at the ER alone - I’ve been chronically ill since I was a teen and lost my mom before I turned 20. Never had a chance to really date or marry. It’s so important to have these types of issues sorted out and an emergency contact in place.
Big thanks to Victoria @carermentor for flagging your post for me! I’m doing a 5 part series on hospital & ER visits when you’re chronically ill. One will be dedicated to the importance of having an advocate at all times.
Today you said "just ask" and people will pledge to come to our aid as your neighbors and friends did. Not all of us are that lucky. I did ask - people that I'd done a lot for over the years - but no one could commit.
Sue, you are an angel to get this PSM out. I think the excuse many people have is that it won’t happen to them. Unfortunately, it might. Don’t take the chance.
Blessings. For everybody reading this, take the first steps at the very least and have two emergency contacts in your home and on your fridge. I have a phone app “medisafe” for all my prescriptions.
I'm looking up medisafe right now. Thank you.
Let me know what ringtone you selected.