Even loners like me can make new friends
if you're open to the possibility
“I really like you,” “S” said as we closed our laptops after an intense writing session at the library. She went on to tell me how glad she was that we had met through the 60+ Women’s New Friends group here in Newport, Oregon.
My heart melted. It actually worked. I made a new friend. I also wrote some good stuff on a day when I thought I was too depressed to do anything useful. I had seriously considered skipping this meeting, but I had to go into town for a haircut anyway, so I went. I told S that I was in a bad place. She sympathized, and then we wrote.
We talked way more than we should have at the library because we had so much to tell each other. I don’t feel guilty. The librarian was the noisiest person in there, with the woman with the very noisy bag of chips coming in a close second. At least we whispered.
Back in November, I wrote here about the 60+ Women’s New Friends group. Some women had put out a call on Facebook for lonely women in the Newport area to meet and do things together.
I haven’t participated much. The group formed just about the time I was getting into the weekly open mics at Café Chill and bonding with the folks there. I already have a busy schedule with church, music, and writing activities. I don’t really need a group to make me write. But what the heck; I tried it, and now I have the option of hanging out with other women who might become friends.
The group has been quite successful. They offer group activities almost daily, including short and long walks, game nights, happy hours, and lunches. Next week, they’re going tide-pooling, and a new group for artists is forming.
Some of the 60+ Women’s New Friends activities don’t interest me. I don’t drink, hate playing games, and rarely have time for an all-afternoon weekday hike, but I’m glad they’re available. I’m also glad someone else is organizing it.
I don’t bond with everyone I meet. In some cases, we have nothing in common. Some of the women have husbands or boyfriends and kids, some are still working, and others are retired. Most don’t understand what a writer’s life is like.
Can you be friends if you don’t share some aspect of your lives, if you don’t have a common passion, say for long walks, dogs, or listening to blues music at the Bay Haven? I’m not sure. But I think it’s healthy to meet people whose lives are different.
S is only 59 years old, but that’s fine with me. I need some younger friends. We are both writing books. We’re both from California. She is not alone now, but she was widowed for a long time. She knows what it’s like to be alone. Plus, we just clicked.
Last week, I went on one of the walks, and the click didn’t happen. The others walked slower than I like to go and never stopped to look at the ocean roaring nearby. They talked nonstop about their kids, “friends” I didn’t know, and their little dogs, which hurt because I’m childless and “between dogs” right now. Of course, different people might show up next week, and I walk every day anyway, so there’s always a chance for magic.
It’s about making the space for friendship to happen.
As I wrote before, all this took was someone to say, “Hey, I don’t like doing things alone. Want to start a group and hang out together?” This easily could have failed, but judging by the photos on Facebook, it’s working. They’re getting a crowd, people are making friends, and they’re having fun.
It has been a long time since someone told me they liked me and enjoyed spending time with me. Well, my hairdresser tells me she likes me, but that’s not the same thing. Mostly she likes my hair, that I tip well, and that I laugh at her dumb stories. Outside of the salon, we would NOT get along.
It takes guts to invite strangers to meet and do things together. If I had thought of starting such a group, I’m not sure I would have done it. I wanted to form a singles group at our church a few years back, and I never did that. God bless those who are just a little more outgoing than I am and those who have the courage to say yes to a friendship blind date, especially in these contentious times.
I’ll bet you’re wondering why I haven’t gotten a new dog yet. Well, after our extensive discussions a while back, with several of you saying I don’t have to do anything about this until I’m ready, I decided to wait until April. I’ll be traveling around the Southwest in March for author activities and fun. I plan to finally visit New Mexico, among other things. Yes, I will be doing it alone. I’m looking forward to the adventure.
I don’t want to bring a dog into a new home and leave her with a sitter a few weeks later. It’s too confusing and stressful for both of us. Plus, the weather right now is cold, wet, and muddy. So, April. For sure.
Maybe I’ll take the new dog on a walk and introduce her to the other women’s chihuahuas and pugs.
Do you know of any friendship groups in your area? Would you consider forming one or joining one? How do we make new friends when we’re grownups living alone and doing most things by ourselves? Is it different for men? I read somewhere that guys will gather to do projects but not just to be buddies. Is there any truth in that?
I welcome your comments.
The 60+ Women’s New Friends Facebook group is private. If you live in or near Newport, Oregon, I would be happy to invite you in.
How did I end up alone? My first marriage ended in divorce. My second husband died of Alzheimer’s after we had moved to the Oregon coast, far from family. I never had any kids, only dogs. Now I live by myself in a big house in the woods. You can read our story in my new memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s, available now at your favorite bookseller. Visit https://www.suelick.com for information on all of my books.